new year’s day, 2022. <3
bless bless bless bless. up. (and down ;))
XO
a.
i release you because i love you
Tag: healing
Honing + Homing– mission statements for the New World
I do not come to you with an abundance of formal certifications– none, actually, save for a Bachelors in Media Studies now over ten years ago. I have learned as our ancestors learned– through the natural world, from story, in community, in communion with spirit, and from direct experience.
I did not come to this work because it interested me. I came because my life depended on it.
At 21, I was Managing Editor of a glossy arts magazine in my home neighborhood. At 25, I was managing high-level corporate clients as a digital project manager for a rapidly growing tech start-up. At 30, I became Director of Public Programs for a world-renowned outdoor art museum, NYC park, and community event space. I have self-published 4 books and performed all over the city in venues large and small.
I have wanted to end my life many, many times. I have suffered through the literal shattering of my container so that I could expand to more fully accommodate my truest Self. I was arrested for spreading positivity through poetry graffiti. Ended up an outpatient in an addiction treatment center after my relationship– with a man struggling mightily with hard drug addiction– exploded. Lived years and years of compounded, unresolved interpersonal trauma and codependency. And was diagnosed bipolar II and anxiety disorder in 2018.
With the help of alternative frameworks, earth-based traditions, radical vulnerability, community in the human and more-than-human worlds, and the “mythic remediation” that comes with recontextualizing my Life as Legend– I have arrived in this Place that allows me to come to you As I Am, to meet You, As You Are.
I am interested in Ecopsychology and its practice of Ecotherapy because it brings me new vocabulary for the deeply interconnected, reverential, poetic, mythic, wild realms I have inhabited my whole life, but especially over the past 5 years of descent and healing. I am naturally inclined to help you walk between worlds and reclaim your birthright as a wondrous creature on this precious earth, privy to the generative wisdom and inner/outer adventures that extend so far beyond our purely mental capacities as well the mortal realm.
I am here to shatter traditional narratives and disempowering, oppressive, disconnected frameworks in the way that my own was shattered– to remind you that there is a framework that already exists, that already belongs to you, as you belong to it.
During my time in the addiction treatment center, one day in group a man who never ventured to say anything, for weeks, suddenly spoke– and he said, “You have to rewrite your own legacy. Because if not they’re going to be standing around your casket saying– ‘He never got a hold of that, did he? He never kicked it.'” On the way out of the room I told him, “I liked what you said about rewriting your legacy.” And he replied– “You have to, or someone else will.”
NOVA.
channeled + wrote this morning.
spoken + shared with YOU.
***
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MESSENGER?
right after i wrote that sentence a shiny big red heart balloon floated into my windowframe. it floated on the air before landing in the back yard of the house where i live. balloons from nowhere have been a sign from my nana not long after she passed. that and the encouraging rainbows i’ve been seeing in windows– first randomly in brooklyn, and then in several houses i passed during my morning walk in the in-between times.
i am being called to deliver this Legend. my fear stops me– not fear of what i have to say. not fear of being seen. but fear of having my voice fall silent. there is so much noise– how to cut through it? how to reach people when you cannot physically be with them?
i am reminded again– speak plainly, and even just for yourself, your voice will be heard.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MESSENGER?
i think i have subconsciously always been drawn to it– growing, as i got older, to accept it as my true duty– because inherently there is a letting go, a releasing, that is required. the messenger is the messenger no matter the circumstance. it is something that is beyond you– something you need to ‘move out of the way’ for, ‘keep yourself pure’ for, treat yourself kindly, for– so that it can move through you, and out into the world. something that is greater than you, but that comes from you.
each of us have this ability, and often we silence it.
yesterday i was asked, while the clinician from the counseling center drafted up a safety plan for me– what is worth being alive for?
and i realized in that moment– it was me. it had to be me. just me.
it is this inherent worth i have been seeking for many years, and certainly most acutely in my adult life– especially the past five years spent wandering the wilderness.
to step back– and give yourself permission.
to release your story.
to be Seen, as you are.
to soften and ACCEPT and let PASS the feelings and sensations that come through you.
to remember what it feels like to be, purely, a receptor..
you do not judge what you are receiving, you just be with it. which is even a subtler form of witnessing, for me– witnessing feels divorced and cold, sometimes, when i think of it.
this is a Seeing. a Being With. an Accepting. and a–
Creation of Safety, Within.
so that Whatever It Is you Receive– you know that you will be Safe in being with it, experiencing it, acknowledging it.
we have developed triggers and defense mechanisms that do not belong to us.
i have very many that i did not realize for a very long time.
in my discovery of them, i was bent on analyzing them– this, has always, given me fascination, control, obsession.
i deeply, deeply want to understand.
i deeply, deeply want to know.
but because i am a storyteller– because i take stock of my life in its episodes, its adventures, its memories, its STORIES– i began dragging this tome around with me. it has stooped my posture, and lowered– sometimes even obliterated– my ability to see through and into the Present Moment. into the Expansivity that is my birthright. because, of course– there is a life history here.
there is a sense of Self that is based on what has happened in the past. based on trauma. based on learned behaviors, inherited behaviors. and things we needed to do in order to survive.
i have realized, over the past day or so– in a way that is more alive than i have before– that there exists a Pain Body.
it is this Pain Body that is holding the hulking tome. not even carrying it– clutching it. offering it to you whenever you try to cast out into the Wild Unknown.
here, it shows you, reminds you. it remembers every single moment, every single page.
here, remember when you failed.
here, remember when you were betrayed.
here, remember when you felt smaller than small, worthless.
here, remember when you tried– here, and here, and here, and here. and it didn’t work.
i do not feel this force as malevolent.
it just Is, what it Is. as All Things Are.
it is a victim and product of its circumstance.
but You Are Not.
You Are Not.
i do not wish to destroy the Pain Body.
i have learned inside my Legend– that violence is not the way. force is not the way.
it is an Allowing, a Being With, a sure-footed present consciousness– that allows things to release, to Flow, for Highest Good.
i See myself, in my mind’s eye– where i have experienced so many things– guides, gifts, quests, signs and symbols–
i See myself taking the tome from the Pain Body. with its missing skin and its patchiness, its shackles and punctures, its hardened, sad eyes– its relinquishment of Trust, to be Seen. to be Touched.
why would i want to continue hurting this creature?
why would i want to continue punishing this creature— telling it how small it is, how worthless, in agreement– of what it already feels and believes it is, and is Not?
this is where the Great Work happens. the Allowing. the Accepting. the pivot we are all being called to make, right Now–
is an internal one. as they often are. but we remain distracted– by everything Else.
i was Met today, on that walk in the morning in-betweens– by my black wolf and my white wolf. they were those with whom i began this quest, long ago and just yesterday– all Time is all the Same.
we walked under the archways and stood before a towering stone support for the bridge above us–
but all i saw in my mind was a radiant stained glass, not unlike ones i had seen in lofty, ornate cathedrals.
in that stained glass i saw the Newness. i saw NOVA. i saw my Self.
and the black wolf, standing beside me, was his half-hybrid, half-human self.
and the white wolf, now, too– was a beautiful woman with white wings flowing from her temples.
i understood the Union. i understood the Balance.
i understood the other pages in this story– i could not fully understand, at the Time.
who is coming to Be With the Pain Body?
it is this reunited Self. this reconstructed Self. a Self that has existed and yet has never existed, at the same Time.
i realized once more that when we feel Sovereign and Safe in our bodies, we can hear the messages Clearly.
they transform effortlessly and shift from the riddles or metaphors into plain spoken truth.
days ago– as in many times during my Legend– i actually did not want to kill myself. i did not want to die.
my Spirit was EXPANDING radically– in ways the old world, the old container– Could. Not. Hold.
we have a Choice, in every Moment.
be obliterated with the old container. the one that was too small to hold us. the one that restricts us.
or create a New Container for the Winged Self. one that can truly support the fuller Wing-Span.
that is who i saw on that stone wall turned mystical stained glass window, underneath the bridge.
standing in the park with my shimmering guides that only my internal eyes could see.
NOVA. do you know where this name came from?
a child had written with chalk on some stones that i stumbled upon, at the base of a tree.
“fairy house.”
and on the rock sitting above it– “HI NOVA.”
sometimes we are recognized by Spirit, by Wonder, in ways we cannot yet acknowledge ourselves.
yet this is the Work, and the Work i invite you to do, with Me, With and For Your Self.
this Newness is an ever-present Gift. this burst of a star, this beginning.
but it can only be given PERMISSION– SAFETY– KINDNESS– AGENCY– with which to begin–
if we gently remove the tome of our Past Lives from the grasping, tired hands of the Pain Body.
you may Burn it, or you may Bury it. it is no matter.
the ritual happens Inside.
i understand now that the more important thing– the most important thing– is not what happens to that book of the Past.
it’s what future-creating action is set into motion– when you sit down beside the Pain Body.
and let your Highest Self re-teach it how to Feel. Accept Love. Accept Touch. and Heal.
i thank you for the opportunity to flow this through me today.
it is not the Last, and not the First.
but the Present, Ever, and Always.
NOVA**.
A PRAYER TO SEE + BE SEEN
“An exploration of mental illness as an invitation to radical self-discovery instead of a disease with no cure.” it means the world to me to be able to share this documentary film, CRAZYWISE, that has helped me so much on my own mental health journey– and to do two events, starting tomorrow, world mental health day– with the wholehearted support of art house astoria and astoria presbyterian church– based expressly around creative reframing for mental health & mental illness, the ways we can take our journeys back into our own hands. please join us & RSVP on eventbrite: tinyurl.com/creativereframingnyc. i’m grateful for my life and for the opportunity to speak on these literally life-changing and life-saving topics, with humans whose work and being i truly admire.
A PRAYER TO SEE & BE SEEN:
Creative Reframing for Mental Health & Wellbeing
a 2-part event featuring CRAZYWISE screening, discussion & experiential resource-sharing
World Mental Health Day is a day for global mental health education, awareness and advocacy against social stigma. During this week, we gather together in an effort to SEE & BE SEEN– to build community, share resources, and dive into alternative methods of exploring mental health and mental illness– recontextualizing it as an invitation to radical self-discovery instead of a disease with no cure.
Thursday, October 10 – 6:30-8:30pm
CRAZYWISE – documentary screening
We will screen the 2017 documentary CRAZYWISE, with time for opening/closing exercises and post-film reflections.
SHORT SYNOPSIS:
Crazy… or wise? The traditional wisdom of indigenous cultures often contradicts modern views about a mental health crisis. Is it a ‘calling’ to grow or just a ‘broken brain’? The documentary CRAZYWISE explores what can be learned from people around the world who have turned their psychological crisis into a positive transformative experience.
WATCH TRAILER / FULL SYNOPSIS: https://crazywisefilm.com/
Saturday, October 12 – 5-7pm
Experiential resource sharing with presentations/activities & discussion
Building on the theme established by CRAZYWISE– what are our options and resources for creatively reframing mental illness and founding a progressive new relationship with our inner selves? We explore and experience with several members of the community sharing their approaches, including healing practices and traditions, floatation therapy, mindfulness, storytelling and “living your legend,” with time for group discussion and activities.
FEATURING:
Satya Celeste of SacredWaters
Rebecca Gitana Torres of Healing Through The Home
Alex Tatis of Refined Inner Being LLC
Sydney Projekthandmade of innerNest
Representatives from Mindful Astoria
Audrey Dimola, ‘THE BOOK OF LEGEND’
Aldo Cano Trevino of Mental Health First Aid
FREE EVENTS – ALL ARE WELCOME
LIMITED SEATING AVAILABLE, PLEASE RSVP
http://tinyurl.com/creativereframingnyc
!!! SPREAD THE WORD + SHARE !!!
Hosted & curated by Audrey Dimola
Part of World Mental Health Day 2019 at Art House Astoria Conservatory For Music and Art, in partnership with Astoria Presbyterian Church
paths in the pathless wilderness: mental health advocacy
“i write today because i am still alive. i write today from inside, outside, and on the other side of the underworld. i write because, in legend— the hero always returns with the story. and in the hero’s journey, in fact— this is the very purpose. i write today because legend saved my life in a way that nothing else could— not a diagnosis, not modern medicine, not the concern of loved ones or colleagues, not any traditional path that i was prescribed…”
in recent years i have come to realize and internalize that the best way to tell my story– or any story, for that matter– is to speak it plainly.
i marvel at where this website began, over 10 years ago– a place to house my work as a young arts journalist, which in many ways avoided inclusion of what was deeply and actually going on with me— that gradually grew into this space of radical honesty, performance, curation, and experimentation across many genres. it is in this moment that i type here and reflect– a few short weeks to my 33rd birthday– so grateful for the hard-won heartwork and legend i have come to accept as my own.
‘for this i was born, and for this i have come into the world, to bear witness to the truth.’ -john 18:37.
after writing and self-publishing my third book, WILDLIGHT, creating my first alchemical theatre work, PROVENANCE, and being increasingly candid in person and on the internet (especially on instagram) of the places my journey was taking me– i have come to This Point. the point at which i encapsulate the stories and philosophies and lessons that have saved my life.
‘IF YOU BRING FORTH THAT WHICH IS WITHIN YOU,
THEN THAT WHICH IS WITHIN YOU
WILL BE YOUR SALVATION.
IF YOU DO NOT BRING FORTH
THAT WHICH IS WITHIN YOU
THEN THAT WHICH IS WITHIN YOU
WILL DESTROY YOU.’ –the gnostic gospels.
i added a MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCACY page to my website this morning– even though this journey is not JUST about mental illness, or meant for those who are suffering with the same– mental illness and mental health are inherently about the journey to reclaim your life and the state of your soul, from all those other destructive and un-true stories that do not belong to you. in the greater, greatest scheme– we are being called to a new reality. one we create with our own hearts, our own hands, our own imaginations– free-dreaming and manifesting in tandem with the creator force energy that shaped our world.
i am currently working on a new book and performance/workshop series seeking to explore these spaces in ways i began with PROVENANCE, WILDLIGHT, and my ‘widening circle’ open mic/open share gatherings, but now– further. it is the merging of poetry, prose, story, ritual, improvisation, spirit work, and sacred/safe space facilitation– and it begins. HERE.
‘one thing is certain. the search for this savior calls for a pathfinder. someone who is capable of finding paths in the pathless wilderness, and who will shrink from no danger and hardship. in other words– a HERO.’ –michael ende, ‘the neverending story.’
AN EXCERPT– from what is forthcoming—
the stories are not just things i choose to write— now i am living them, experiencing them, inside them. it is reality that i define— and that no one defines for me. and the more i feel into it, explore it, believe it, trust it— the more i see the truth of where stories, where meaning itself, emanated from— in the first place. this is the place of legend. this is the hero’s journey, in real time. this is the odyssey, the great quest, the incredible journey— it is in your life, right here, right now.
i do not come to make a map for you, to plot the course for you— you and only you alone can do this. my guides will not be your guides, my legend will not be your legend. but it is my hope in sharing where i have been, what i have been through— that a potentiality for yours will burst open or begin to blossom.
if it is a choice between— having solely the options you are being presented with— and alternatively, the options that you and only you can write, create, and describe— what do you wish for? power stripped or power reclaimed? darkness traversed or darkness feared? a broken mind that needs to be fixed— or a teeming landscape of lesson and legend that you can bravely quest and explore?
this is not for the faint of heart. this is not easy. this is not clean. this is not without struggle. without blood. without nearing the edges of existence, the edges of death.
but in my heart, and in my opinion— if we all heave a last breath anyway, and either way— why not fill your living lungs with the breath of adventure, and leave a story behind along the way?
why not begin a quest to exalt and reclaim and rediscover the most wonder-full and worthy hero there is… yourself?
much more to come. i feel, i know–
for the pathless wilds
for the unfathomable
and the holy unknown,
XO
a.
in praise.
this came through, today:
i am unafraid of that which is my destiny.
i walk, lamp in hand, proudly, infinity symbol emanating from my chest. down these hallways, glistening white, columns and arches, to the places in the chambers of our heart that are not chambers at all.
what could we do if we understood our infinity?
what could we create?
there is no fall.
we were always barefoot in the garden, i know, i feel this when my feet touch grass and i understand. they ask me to write what i know is true, what do i know is true?
mental illness is an illusion.
duality is an illusion.
every spirit is called to initiation that which cannot be cured by doctors visits or prescriptions or suicide. we are here in this incarnation to commune with divinity, as divinity. to return. to place our offering, our brick in the foundation, our fire on the altar. this, as they say, the new city, the new kingdom, rising from the heart of the garden, the garden that is now not just a teeming protected paradise but BOUNDLESS, stretching on all sides, not just oasis but pervasive land of knowledge, justice, divinity, infinitude, love, truth.
love is the highest law, there is no other.
we must learn from teachings, from elders, traditions, but the greatest religion is that which we hold truest to our sacred hearts.
what sets you aflame, what do you understand in the core of you that is immutable? that is what you must dedicate your life to. that is what you will be drawn in return to, over and over and over.
we must look out for each other. we must care for each other. we must not compete. we must commune, share, understand.
as the world becomes increasingly isolated we must make our bodies and spirits the bridge.
we must never stop learning, seeking, but also in conjunction to actualize- to realize what is already there. the alchemical gold had to exist to be transformed, it can function in no other way.
there are many tools and many doors but the one true door is in your heart. the immutable Law, the Instinct, the Animal Soul, the divine archetypal protectors and the New Archetypes we form in the architecture of our spirit.
we learn so that we can cast out further into the truth. not to collapse under the weight or shadow of the masters, YOU ARE MASTER, hear this, YOU ARE MASTER. you take from humanity when you relegate yourself to smallness, smaller than your expansiveness, your infinite inherent worth.
use the tools, use the doors, but do not depend upon them solely- BELIEVE it is in your birthright to commune with divine energies, guides, messengers, spirits, and to recognize and accept your place AMONG THEM not prostrated before them.
interdependent co-arising we say once again, all is co-created every moment, in the spirit, it is not prostration to the altar, you are the altar, tend the fire, realize we are all architects and the time is forever and ever Now.
i wake these hallways as i have done time after time, life after life, aspects and self and whole and integrated. all the resonances you have ever felt can attest to this, it is all one great picture divined by eternal fate, eternal faith.
have FAITH in what you are, brothers and sisters, children, gods and goddesses, messengers, warriors. we are here to guide each other not just to be guided. we are here to strike foundations not just to help build.
every book you take off the shelf echoes inside you, every leaf turned is a veil ecstatically moved aside between chambers in your heart- so to enjoin, so to resolve, so to integrate. in this Kingdom, our Kingdom. everything that you are drawn to is already a part of you, you are not moving towards it, it is moving towards you, you are already standing together, you already have been.
realize that you can take these journeys- without aids, without complicated circumstance, that you can commune in your very home space, in your very moment, in your very joy or sorrow or frustration- these walls are not walls, these doors are not even doors. bursted, out, infinite, expanded.
we will come again and again to you, link and share with us, these teachings are yours as they are ours. we will write the legend of the New Kingdom, together. we will speak plainly. we will heal the people. we will heal ourselves. this is in our destiny to do, in your destiny to do, your personal legend, your truth.
do not slink from your destiny. the call will become louder and louder, old false kingdoms will fall but only so you can realize you are already standing in the New.
many of our brothers and sisters are articulating the call, bless them, bless yourself, continue to share.
we are not from On High to give to you, do not prostrate before us, do not cling to old legends and old truths.
we are beside you co-creating in the infinite present. you are walking with us in the glittering hallway, bursting out with excitement and joy to share, to shine the lamplight in your chest, to return to the people the wisdom that THEY have written, that belongs to THEM, in the kingdom and infinite brotherhood of man, to stand at the podium between columns and arches as you have seen before, this is your birthright, to plunge the depths.
the words are not enough, messenger goddess child, the words are not enough, any who read this. you HAVE been called to be the living word, to make your life the liturgy of the New Kingdom, through every manifestation, every person your hands touch, every heart your heart opens to, heal them, heal you, step into the abyss of the unknown and WALK THE BRIDGE. you have done this, you remember. it is why you love your bridge so much. it is why the worlds feel so fluid, because they are.
you walked out into the Nothing and made it Path. you walked out into the sky and made it Bridge. you remember.
this is what you do in this incarnation, not to long for old incarnations, but to MERGE WITH THEM non dualistically, as ALL SELVES at once, ALL FREEDOMS ignited and enacted.
we are so proud of you, wilderness tabernacle to the truth, righteous fire on the altar to the divinitude of man and woman, animal self reclaimed with exploration and wildness, nature echoing back in protection, teach others to See by Seeing. teach others to Understand by Understanding. lead others to Walk by Walking. but walk Beside them and not in Front. walk With them as i walk With you. and we shall see these coming days already in fruition, in every righteous action resolving inaction, in every fiery force of Love dissolving fear.
we love you as you love yourself as you love us as you love the world as you love the flickering lamp in your hands, you were born with.
go forth, beloved. go forth and stand in the kingdom. you do not even have to build. you are already there.
i came to Live the New Kingdom. with Love.
{{thank you for the opportunity to share}}
aho and ashe
more light & more life
thanks to my incredible, lionhearted 9th grade english teacher at LIC high school, my latest book WILDLIGHT is being read & responded to in her classroom.. unreal
hello out there my beauties,
i’m going to hit you with a bunch of wild & wonderful things…
** 2018 SEASON OF FREE PUBLIC PROGRAMS BEGINS AT SOCRATES SCULPTURE PARK THIS WEEKEND
check it all out: http://socratessculpturepark.org/programs/all/
this weekend kicks off what every weekend will look like through mid-sept:
SATURDAY- yoga @ 9:30 & 11am
saturday sculpture workshop- art-making workshop with a different artist each week, drop-in anytime from 12-3pm
mini-market with vendors like hellgate farm & little wildbranch bakery 11am-4pm
SUNDAY- yoga @ 10am
tai chi @ 11am
and that’s in addition to a FULL SEASON of music, international film, art-making, festivals, cultural performances, dance & more, everything from our new festival QUEENS GREEN DAY on june 2 to the metropolitan opera and ballet folklorico mexicano’s guelaguetza festival.. please come out & see us!
** MY NEW BOOK ‘WILDLIGHT’
“three years of blood, sweat, fire, heart, and LIVING have gone into this book, plunging into the wildernesses of love, spirituality, addiction, sex, shamanism, mental health struggles, self-love, and rebirth.”
my latest book of poetry & prose, ‘WILDLIGHT’ has now been out for almost 2 months and i am forever grateful and incredulous that this thing exists in the world…
if you’d like a copy or to learn more: https://audreydimola.com/books/wildlight/
** SHARING THE JOURNEY ON PODCASTS!
i was recently featured on three amazing podcasts..
* NYC Geek Society’s NYC Geek Podcast #3 (Poetry & Discussion)
Audrey Dimola comes in to discuss her book “Wildlight: Poetry and Prose From Inside the Fire”. Jon reads an excerpt from the book, which is a catalyst to a discussion about the metaphysical / physical realms, heartbreak, travel, and philosophy.
* ME2RADIOZONE mental health podcast with alex tatis & keys will
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE #AWARENESSISEMPATHY here
May is Mental Health Awareness month and Alex and Keys had the dopest experience with mental health advocate Audrey Dimola! Audrey, a Queens native, is a powerhouse and a constant stand for the mental health community in addition to being a self published author. Shit gets real when Audrey takes it there with a powerful, authentic piece from her new book “Wildlight”. Follow us on IG and FB @Me2RadioZone to see what your mental health crusaders are up. Join the movement!
* IT’S IN QUEENS podcast with rob mackay & chris donovan
This week Rob and Chris welcome writer, poet, performer, singer and of course Director of Public Programs at Socrates Sculpture Park in Long Island City, Audrey Dimola. They talk about the multitude of programs coming to Socrates Sculpture Park including movie nights, art installations, yoga, tai chi, farmers market and more. The crew touches on some events happening in Queens this week including a ragtime tribute concert at St.Michael’s in East Elmhurst, a ton of activities in Long Island City including the Wizard of Oz and painted canoes, two Queens Symphony Orchestra performances, the folks at King Manor kicking it old school and bringing it new school as well, a Flushing Town Hall global mash up and finish up with some more information on Audrey. She is a published author and her latest book of poetry and prose is called Wildlight. Available through her website and coming to an independent bookstore near you.
** IT’S MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH & SO EXCITED TO SHARE THESE UPCOMING EVENTS/OPPORTUNITIES…
* IN QUEENS: HEALTHY FAMILIES DAY OF WELLNESS
i recently connected with the wonderful nicole, outreach coordinator for department of health and mental hygiene’s THRIVE NYC program and she is helping to organize this- bringing families together for mental health education and resources in Western Queens!
* IN NYC: A CELEBRATION OF DANGEROUS GIFTS
i also recently connected with the incredible sascha who is one of the founders of the radical mental health group ICARUS NYC who is organizing with/through/as ‘the institute for the development of human arts’ an event called A CELEBRATION OF DANGEROUS GIFTS in june…
So many of the things labeled “mental disorders” have lessons to teach and power to give if we learn how to harness them. We have found this much easier to do in community.
The Institute for the Development of Human Arts (IDHA) invites you to a day of community, art, music, spoken word, global report backs from the culture shift front and celebration of madness and creativity.
We understand that it is time for a new paradigm in mental health: one that affirms self-determination and healing, that accounts for the complexity of personal, social, and collective traumas and oppression, that opens up our narrow definition of “normal” for the full range of human experience, and allows us to look beyond medicalized and disease-centered thinking to offer regenerative, holistic, and transformative practices.
this is a HUGELY important effort for all of us- re-contextualizing and re-engaging with the idea of mental illness in a revolutionary way (closer to awakenings and gifts than illnesses we need to be cured of)… did i mention y’all should watch the film ‘CRAZYWISE‘??
thank you all for being a part of my journey. it has been an even wilder one for the past few months but i feel a vital breath in my lungs howling-
MORE. LIFE.
all my love,
XO
a.
WILDLIGHT LIVES.
HOW TO BUY:
WILDLIGHT is available for purchase directly from the author via PayPal, for $18.00.
Please note you do not need to have a PayPal account- simply choose “Pay with Debit or Credit Card” to check out as a Guest.
If you would like to use another payment method- feel free! You can send $18 via Venmo to audrey.dimola@gmail.com, or contact me for other options.
///
the fact that this book exists means that there is triumph of the holy wild spirit over heartache, darkness, ruin, illness and dis-ease, lack of self-worth, addiction, depression, sorrow, death.
i cannot describe how proud i am of this piece of my heart, blood, and bones.
3 years, 258 pages.
i proudly present my third book of poetry and prose, WILDLIGHT.
available for you. NOW.
///
WILDLIGHT: POETRY & PROSE FROM INSIDE THE FIRE
MARCH 20, 2018 – SPRING EQUINOX
three years of blood, sweat, fire, heart, and LIVING have gone into this collection, plunging into the wildernesses of love, spirituality, addiction, sex, shamanism, mental health struggles, self-love, and rebirth.
///
“to all those
who reclaim their
spirits from darkness-
who resolve to protect
the body as an altar,
and keep the fire safe-
know there is an energy of
resilience that unites us all.
we may have to fight everyday-
but we never fight alone.
this is a book about reclamation.
about staying close to the fire. trusting in your wildlight.
it is a book about struggles with honesty, with identity. about all-consuming loves- passion, destruction, regeneration. about leaving and returning. about lack of self-love and self-worth. about mental illness and addictions. about the indomitable power of the human spirit. about reasons to live. about what happens when you break away from the life you thought you wanted- to walk into the wild. to be taught in ways only the universe can truly teach you- with blood, with sweat. with grief, and wonder. with fire. with heart.
it is a book about trying and trying and trying again…”
crack the spine of this book and the author will know it. this is an alchemical document- rubbed with earth, singed with flame. found curled inside the inmost core of an animal, fanged and feathered. each word a bone picked from an endless desert, blessed with tears and triumph from the road. “WILDLIGHT” was written from 2015 to 2017 by a shamanic poet and journeywoman who is most often likened to wildfire or supernova- this third collection of poetry and prose an act of sacred invocation that will keep howling at you even when its pages are closed.
THE POET IS UNAFRAID TO BECOME FULL WILDERNESS.
///
NYC PERFORMANCE & RELEASE PARTY:
March 24, 2018 3-5pm at Q.E.D.: A Place to Show & Tell in Astoria [Facebook]
more upcoming SHOWS
///
READ SELECT PIECES FROM “WILDLIGHT”:
+ lazarus was a house on fire (WOMAN)
+ reliquary: the body
+ blue sky
+ peter (i want to be real)
+ studies in reaching
+ somewhere else
+ two wolves
THE JOURNEY ON INSTAGRAM: #wildlightbyajd
VIDEO FROM THE DAY I RELEASED THE BOOK:
XO with ecstatic love and FIREFIREFIRE,
a.
speak plainly
tonight i truly felt my feet planted firmly on the ground, with my channel open to the stars. rooted and yet stretched to the infinite.
this morning i felt called to just speak. speak plainly. so often, especially as poets, we get in our own way, spin complex metaphors, sometimes hieroglyphic layers of meaning.. when do we just deliver the message- where we are, as we are?
this is what i spoke tonight at my new friend yuko’s fantastic FREEDOM show.. after which i have been vibing with beautiful and talented people i am so grateful to have in my life, new friends i am grateful to have met. and dancing around my apartment to steely dan at 2am. (yup)
***
FREEDOM is one of the divine’s broadest and farthest-reaching gesticulations in our universe.
it is an energy that- once you tap into- makes anything possible.
i personally have time after time fallen prey to the idea that once you identify and claim the precious and wild idea of FREEDOM… BANG! it’s done. you get it, and you’re free. forever.
doesn’t totally work that way.
the beautiful thing about freedom is that it finds you.
this is not about being positive, free, and triumphant forever, from the moment you claim it to the rest of your life. it’s about the reality that nothing is linear and “solvable” in that way.
freedom is really about honesty with yourself for where you actually are. and that’s why freedom is so powerful. it can find you in the darkness. at the end of your rope. inside a jail cell. in recovery. with the knife in your hand. on top of a bridge. in therapy. laying next to you in your own grave.
it’s not about being consumed with shame and fear and loathing for ending up there, for not “staying free.”
it’s about meeting yourself where you actually are and realizing that true freedom is the voice that whispers to you- get up. don’t jump. stay awhile. love yourself.
and focusing your gratitude and energy on that regenerative spirit is what will really keep you free.
**
i believe we are all messengers, shamans, teachers, healers.
the freedom in being yourself, being honest with yourself, is a direct conduit to the divine. the soul of the universe.
i say to the lightworkers, the lightbringers, which we all are- don’t get caught up in only bringing light, and the shame and disillusionment when you don’t, or can’t. the world needs your warrior songs, your songs of struggle, your trials by fire, too.
that is your real duty.
stand as you are. speak as you are. and bring it to the world.
***
and then i read this [brand new poem] written on xmas wkend before i slipped into some heavy, heavy darkness.
thankfully- i slipped back OUT from that paradigm like a bad, bad dream. and here we are. a few short days from the new year. .. still listening to steely dan.
You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
This one’s for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I’ll make it this time
I’m ready to cross that fine line
[…]
This is the night of the expanding man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I’ll be what I want to be
#hello2018
XO
a.
[things coming soon // including CHURCH OF THE SACRED BODY]
we only heal in spirals
touch my mouth with your hands
touch my mouth with your hands
oh i want to understand
the meaning of your embrace
i know now i have to face, the temptations of my past
please don’t let me disgrace
where my devotion lays
now that i know the truth, now that it’s no excuse
keeping me from your love, what was i thinking of?
holding me from your love, what was i thinking of?
thank you lauryn. you are brilliant.
///
my words. #fromtoday.
sister fire spoke to me
she said put the antler back around your neck
know that there is a purpose in all you do
you get lost to get found you get lost to get found, girl
to show you yourself over and over that you can.
that you can.
sitting here with flickering flames in cups
salt lamp emanating radiance my hands
to your mouth put your hands to my mouth
let me remember how to pray
let me honor my own radiance
let me remember how to pray
there is darkness darkness only dark
down well-worn paths in my cognitive loops
i say pull the axe from the thornbush righteous one
i say cut i say cut a new way
you were not meant to die in darkness, my love
you were not meant to die right here
i know you want to lay until the vines steal your breath
take you back to where you came from heal the heart
returned to earth but i say i say my child
you must believe that the righteousness of the warrior
is inside your very being
i say go on you don’t need your eyes your hands
you do not need your feet or legs
you need the whole body burning spirit
led by your heart
my girl i say pick up the axe my love
and cut that new way
cut that new new new way
do not be disillusioned, heartbroken from
finding your way back here
she sings he’s just like water
she’s just like water
you are her she is him
sanctified these candle flames
in cups this salt rock glow on my lips
bid me to speak my love
let me remember how to live
stuck in the vines my girl
curled in the vines my girl
you have to get up
you have to get up
not wait for the light
cut a hole to the light
not wait for the light
cut a hole to the light
come on.
come on and on and on
crumpling days of protection
solar plexus you forget your
intention to grab your
bunches of feathers
jump that cliff and
commit to soar
the vines are growing around you, girl
the vines are stealing your breath, girl
what will you do?
what will you do?
do not be disillusioned by ending up here again
the candle flames in cups the salt rock lamp
we always heal in spirals
it’s the only way to find our way back
we always heal in spirals
it’s the only way to find our way back
do not be angry at your constitution
at your weakness at your ache
another man almost stole the life of you
but the bone in your backbone is back
not stiff but fluid not braced for impact but
impactful, my love
the only thing you can collapse into
is gentleness
is gentleness
is love
touch my mouth with your hands
my mother father goddess
touch my mouth with your hands
let me speak these words i
fought my way here to say
i will not die buried in the vines
i will not die buried in the vines
i will cut my own way.
someone once said
there is a way to die a
spiritual death
there is a way to
remember your lips
pressed
to the holiness
of a creator that
loves you
that you can finally
feel
because you finally
love yourself back
take yourself back
my girl my heart
be gentle if it seems like
it’s perpetually
on the mend
give it some time
you always fighting fires
making fires
spreading fires
keep the warmth
remember that the
next fire your spirit wants to feel is
the sun on your skin
on the other side of this
tunnel of black dark
my love
we can only heal in spirals
it’s the only way we can
find our way back.
i can only heal in spirals
it’s the only way i was able to
find my way back.
///
“see fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need.. and i just retired from the fantasy part.”
///
“at that point, i had to do some dying.”
“artists do fall apart,” a record executive says. “the most commonly held falsity in the game is that they have it all together. they fall apart. […] they all have a moment where you go, ‘are they really all there?’ and i think lauryn chose to expose that to the world.”
bless up, queen.
bless up, brothers & sisters.
XO
a.
[[shows + events // what’s coming up]]
wellness, or- only the wounded healer heals
how do we resolve dualities in our lives? by truth-bringing. staying close to our fires. striving to be cognizant when a visceral fear response drives us to carry out our same destructive impulses. paying attention to pendulum swings. what manifests in the body, body as compass. these truths began in me two years ago, now just starting to fully take shape. we know** how to heal ourselves. we just have to trust** that we do. currently- i am riding the line between instinct and archetype, vibrating at the still point where the medicine is- the real** medicine, and not the quick relief.
i wrote this some weeks ago- funny how, when you are so focused on healing in one part of your life (in this case for me, destructive habits in love and relationships)- you have absolutely no idea** how much you are neglecting the others (in this case for me, the connection between my soul and physical body). trying times, my friends! but there is always hope..
listening to the jungian ‘only the wounded healer heals‘ lecture, mixed in with some ‘women who run with the wolves’ (always) and a new favorite in the fantastic ‘care of the soul’- coupled with intensities of pain and discomfort- is reconstructing my presence to be patient. patient with this psychic sickness, this chronic illness- how the disease can cure. how the wounded healer can heal.
it is alarming how fast you slip into familiar modes of thought. the analogue to this is my crash at the end of 2011-2012, but also my senior year of college. i was looking outwardly instead of inward. no recognition of psyche/soma, just- my body is going rogue and rebelling against me. this marked disconnect- i am trapped in here, can’t control what “it’s” doing, spirit afraid for its life- is the root of all poisons. and where we go in places of fear, for comfort- hiding in the arms of partners, the authorities of chemical medicine.. it’s why i was dismantled- i wasn’t listening. i didn’t remember- i am a healer. and i must listen when the body speaks.
there are layers in everything. psyche and soma are linked. but lately it has been- insurance, referrals, doctors, results, appointments, schedule conflicts, trapped, trapped, trapped. a near immovable ball of anguish and tension lodged in my gut. what about just slowing? what about just moving? returning to self, encouraging the energy to get unstuck. my absorptive nature brings me empathy but also danger. i am equipped to ‘take it.’ it is in my constitution, my mother’s and nana’s too. but i must remember i have tools.
the body has its own subtle and not so subtle clues, or alarms. will we slow, and listen? or run towards panic and relief- often, in our fear, to what makes it worse?
through loving myself i must learn to listen too. i am not just a passenger in this vessel. if i am the firekeeper and the body is the living altar, then my devotion must not be only to my spirit. this incredible organism, this universe we are gifted with- we subject to abuse and destruction, and then instantly become angry when “it’s not working,” when we get sick, feel tired, suddenly stricken with symptoms or ailments. it is as my brilliant friend and teacher paul once wrote- anything you think is distracting you from your work, is your work. similarly- anything you think is distracting you from your life, is your life.
when you leave yourself so debilitated, even a break becomes a violent crash rather than a mindful release. life/death/life.
we always have a choice.
i am working through my body this time- the psychic ailments collected through these past years. what can my psyche/soma do with all of that while i keep filling it up with toxins, emotional and otherwise? it has no place to go. it explodes.
“rather than blame, we could respond”
“listen to these symptoms and adjust life accordingly”
“if the pain could speak, what might it say?”
i speak my pain in poetry, readily- but that is not a whole remedy. it must be listened to and moved out of the body.
“all these noble, richly poetic organs, teeming with meaning and power, have been made into functions”
what can be accomplished with- running from supposed cure to supposed cure, not questioning anything, just- how do i get this to start working again so i can continue with what i was doing?
this is a bigger issue than just the various illness. it’s wringing myself out of the toxins that are incongruent with the person i am at my core, with the life i want to lead.
“the ancient greeks taught that the god who heals is the same god who brought the disease in the first place”
know thyself.
“if we allow sickness to lead us into wonder about the very base of experience, then our spirituality is strengthened. accepting that we are wounded, we enter life differently than if our only concern is to overcome the wound.”
whatever this ailment, psychic or somatic- i will overcome it. because i vow to learn the things i have not learned before. yoga, movement, free(er) expression, song, drumming, releasing, honesty, good food, and habits that will serve me. it is not about what is “right” or “what i should do,” but instead what serves me.
and what serves you is this, wild one.
i know who i am
now
daughter of one from
time before time
i sit at the right
hand of
the wilderness
ready to
shatter the
timepiece
ready to invest in
my becoming
there is no
ghost now, no
dream and no
fire but
my own
how do you walk
from child of
wolf to wolf
woman?
with eyes open
heart split wide
bearing boughs
of truth.
i picked up four stones from the riverbed and arranged them in compass formation. i placed my hand over each, reciting the last prayer i could remember.
whenever you are most scared, go north.
when the darkness seems it will never end, go north.
when you are no longer afraid to die, go north.
when they tell you not to go. go north.
-from ‘two wolves‘
coming up & some more updates:
9/19 NeverTheLess: A Night Of… DUALISM
8-10pm El Barrio Art Space, 215 E. 99th St NYC – $10
a tribe of badass women share poetry, art, music on the topic of DUALISM! i was truly affected by their debut NeverTheLess earlier this year and can’t wait to see how this one turns out <3
[Facebook]
9/28 ART + POETRY SALON curated by Effie Pasagiannis
7-10pm Arlo NoMad, 11 E 31st St NYC – $10
if you know me you know how much i love creative collaboration, and this is one such night in which poets share the original work they’ve written from visual art!
[Facebook]
in other news…
the summer was absolutely consumed in making magic with the incredible communities and cultures at socrates sculpture park- if you’re so inclined, here’s a [photo album] of what i’ve been doing at the park in my first year as public programs director :)
speaking of- two more chances to experience big festivals at socrates before the season is done next month:
QUEENS FOOD DAY
10/14 11am-3pm FREE
a festival of exploring, sharing, conversations, and activities surrounding food justice, nutrition education, urban farming, planting and gardening, sustainability, and healthy living with tons of local community partners!
[Facebook] / [Socrates website]
HALLOWEEN HARVEST
10/28 11am-3pm FREE
this year it’s dia de los muertos/day of the dead themed with a performance/procession by ballet folklorico mexicano, art and costume making, a communal ancestral altar, and our annual tradition of doggie costume contest!
[Facebook] / [Socrates website]
ps- my third book of poetry and prose, WILDLIGHT will be coming in 2018. not exactly as planned but.. i trust. <3
as we head into the introspective fall and winter months, i am writing with a sincere wish that you are looking after yourselves (the way i obviously haven’t been lately). looking forward to these seasons of turning inward for cultivation, HEALING, shamanic journeying and exploratory movement- and giving thanks for another year of life (i turned 31 last month!) to explore, share, create what i wish to experience..
grateful for you all, and wishing you brave passage on this seasonal transition-
here,
where frantic ego
swinging lamp
stops short
at the edge-
it is only truth
who can jump
the cliff
and
live
XO
a.
adhesive.
i am i am i said i’m not myself but i’m not dead & i’m not for sale
hold me closer closer let me go let me be just let me be -STP.
“the pull is visceral. it may also be an act of self-loathing or anger against home or society or even the human condition in which the promise of death shadows us from those first fresh moments of birth.” -scott weiland, ‘not dead & not for sale.’
there comes a time when the pain is too great and you have to make things.
physically- knot them, paint them, scratch them, burn them. scavenge in the street, rip from pages, make a mess. as much of a mess you feel like you are- to create- that.
because- for a person for whom words are everything- sometimes they mean nothing.
and out of this disillusion, disappointment, hurt- something else is born. something in the realm of craft and mystic- synthetic. organic. trash. treasure. dirty hands to remind you you’re still alive and there is still a way to express the infinite bewilderment of that fact.
the only way to truly rail against death is to disappear for awhile- and create something.
//ajd 2.10.16
“i embrace the day at a time mindset. for me, there’s no other way to live. i’ve got to stay present. i am optimistic. i have to learn to see the beauty in the mundane. i believe this is a key to my spiritual well-being. i have to change my perception and see god’s beauty in everything.”
“the human heart filled with sorrows and gold.”
-scott weiland, ‘not dead & not for sale.’
**works pictured:
. still frame from movement to ‘interstate love song’
. still – collage
. i only have one antler (assemblage to the old life); what are bones for anyway (the stake, & association- ‘dying isn’t the hard part’) [two pieces]
. incomplete initiation [detail]
. breathing is the hardest – collage
. i only have one antler (assemblage to the old life) [detail]
. breathing is the hardest – collage [detail]
. still frame from movement to ‘interstate love song’
. incomplete initiation
. notes from the bottom (this is a cry for help)
**notes to self:
an installation is coming
do everything in the glow of candles and christmas lights
art is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
XO
a.
audrey di mola - folkloric futurism 