audrey dimola[art for the wild]

Posts Tagged ‘heal yourself

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how do we resolve dualities in our lives? by truth-bringing. staying close to our fires. striving to be cognizant when a visceral fear response drives us to carry out our same destructive impulses. paying attention to pendulum swings. what manifests in the body, body as compass. these truths began in me two years ago, now just starting to fully take shape. we know** how to heal ourselves. we just have to trust** that we do. currently- i am riding the line between instinct and archetype, vibrating at the still point where the medicine is- the real** medicine, and not the quick relief.

i wrote this some weeks ago- funny how, when you are so focused on healing in one part of your life (in this case for me, destructive habits in love and relationships)- you have absolutely no idea** how much you are neglecting the others (in this case for me, the connection between my soul and physical body). trying times, my friends! but there is always hope..

listening to the jungian ‘only the wounded healer heals‘ lecture, mixed in with some ‘women who run with the wolves’ (always) and a new favorite in the fantastic ‘care of the soul’- coupled with intensities of pain and discomfort- is reconstructing my presence to be patient. patient with this psychic sickness, this chronic illness- how the disease can cure. how the wounded healer can heal.

it is alarming how fast you slip into familiar modes of thought. the analogue to this is my crash at the end of 2011-2012, but also my senior year of college. i was looking outwardly instead of inward. no recognition of psyche/soma, just- my body is going rogue and rebelling against me. this marked disconnect- i am trapped in here, can’t control what “it’s” doing, spirit afraid for its life- is the root of all poisons. and where we go in places of fear, for comfort- hiding in the arms of partners, the authorities of chemical medicine.. it’s why i was dismantled- i wasn’t listening. i didn’t remember- i am a healer. and i must listen when the body speaks.

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there are layers in everything. psyche and soma are linked. but lately it has been- insurance, referrals, doctors, results, appointments, schedule conflicts, trapped, trapped, trapped. a near immovable ball of anguish and tension lodged in my gut. what about just slowing? what about just moving? returning to self, encouraging the energy to get unstuck. my absorptive nature brings me empathy but also danger. i am equipped to ‘take it.’ it is in my constitution, my mother’s and nana’s too. but i must remember i have tools.

the body has its own subtle and not so subtle clues, or alarms. will we slow, and listen? or run towards panic and relief- often, in our fear, to what makes it worse?

through loving myself i must learn to listen too. i am not just a passenger in this vessel. if i am the firekeeper and the body is the living altar, then my devotion must not be only to my spirit. this incredible organism, this universe we are gifted with- we subject to abuse and destruction, and then instantly become angry when “it’s not working,” when we get sick, feel tired, suddenly stricken with symptoms or ailments. it is as my brilliant friend and teacher paul once wrote- anything you think is distracting you from your work, is your work. similarly- anything you think is distracting you from your life, is your life.

when you leave yourself so debilitated, even a break becomes a violent crash rather than a mindful release. life/death/life.

we always have a choice.

i am working through my body this time- the psychic ailments collected through these past years. what can my psyche/soma do with all of that while i keep filling it up with toxins, emotional and otherwise? it has no place to go. it explodes.

“rather than blame, we could respond”
“listen to these symptoms and adjust life accordingly”

“if the pain could speak, what might it say?”

i speak my pain in poetry, readily- but that is not a whole remedy. it must be listened to and moved out of the body.

“all these noble, richly poetic organs, teeming with meaning and power, have been made into functions”

what can be accomplished with- running from supposed cure to supposed cure, not questioning anything, just- how do i get this to start working again so i can continue with what i was doing?

this is a bigger issue than just the various illness. it’s wringing myself out of the toxins that are incongruent with the person i am at my core, with the life i want to lead.

“the ancient greeks taught that the god who heals is the same god who brought the disease in the first place”

know thyself.

“if we allow sickness to lead us into wonder about the very base of experience, then our spirituality is strengthened. accepting that we are wounded, we enter life differently than if our only concern is to overcome the wound.”

whatever this ailment, psychic or somatic- i will overcome it. because i vow to learn the things i have not learned before. yoga, movement, free(er) expression, song, drumming, releasing, honesty, good food, and habits that will serve me. it is not about what is “right” or “what i should do,” but instead what serves me.

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and what serves you is this, wild one.

i know who i am
now
daughter of one from
time before time
i sit at the right
hand of
the wilderness
ready to
shatter the
timepiece
ready to invest in
my becoming
there is no
ghost now, no
dream and no
fire but
my own
how do you walk
from child of
wolf to wolf
woman?
with eyes open
heart split wide
bearing boughs
of truth.

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i picked up four stones from the riverbed and arranged them in compass formation. i placed my hand over each, reciting the last prayer i could remember.
whenever you are most scared, go north.
when the darkness seems it will never end, go north.
when you are no longer afraid to die, go north.
when they tell you not to go. go north.
-from ‘two wolves

coming up & some more updates:

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9/19 NeverTheLess: A Night Of… DUALISM
8-10pm El Barrio Art Space, 215 E. 99th St NYC – $10
a tribe of badass women share poetry, art, music on the topic of DUALISM! i was truly affected by their debut NeverTheLess earlier this year and can’t wait to see how this one turns out <3
[Facebook]

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9/28 ART + POETRY SALON curated by Effie Pasagiannis
7-10pm Arlo NoMad, 11 E 31st St NYC – $10
if you know me you know how much i love creative collaboration, and this is one such night in which poets share the original work they’ve written from visual art!
[Facebook]

in other news…

the summer was absolutely consumed in making magic with the incredible communities and cultures at socrates sculpture park- if you’re so inclined, here’s a [photo album] of what i’ve been doing at the park in my first year as public programs director :)

speaking of- two more chances to experience big festivals at socrates before the season is done next month:

QUEENS FOOD DAY
10/14 11am-3pm FREE
a festival of exploring, sharing, conversations, and activities surrounding food justice, nutrition education, urban farming, planting and gardening, sustainability, and healthy living with tons of local community partners!
[Facebook] / [Socrates website]

HALLOWEEN HARVEST
10/28 11am-3pm FREE
this year it’s dia de los muertos/day of the dead themed with a performance/procession by ballet folklorico mexicano, art and costume making, a communal ancestral altar, and our annual tradition of doggie costume contest!
[Facebook] / [Socrates website]

ps- my third book of poetry and prose, WILDLIGHT will be coming in 2018. not exactly as planned but.. i trust. <3

as we head into the introspective fall and winter months, i am writing with a sincere wish that you are looking after yourselves (the way i obviously haven’t been lately). looking forward to these seasons of turning inward for cultivation, HEALING, shamanic journeying and exploratory movement- and giving thanks for another year of life (i turned 31 last month!) to explore, share, create what i wish to experience..

grateful for you all, and wishing you brave passage on this seasonal transition-

here,
where frantic ego
swinging lamp
stops short
at the edge-
it is only truth
who can jump
the cliff
and
live

XO

a.

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i wish i knew, i wish i had a way – to take you away from yourself.
the tricks your mind plays.. the sadness. the darkness. it’s hereditary. maybe.
i remember when you told me, that night in the car – i hope that doesn’t happen to you.
i never even realized you thought about those things.
and i told you i’d fight it, fight the darkness, but you said – you can’t. why do you think i can’t work?
so every day, i guess – i’m fighting. for both of us..
and you don’t even know it.

28 years later and i’m still trying to scale your walls.
– excerpt from THE WILD PAPERS

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the darkness has crept up on me recently.

it’s funny how we get so entrenched in our own situations, worlds, societies, histories, genetics, pre-dispositions, habits, etc. that we forget it wasn’t always like this.. and we don’t have to be bound by it.

this is a strange time to be alive – one in which my heart tells me to be wild. but everything else pokes and prods at me – to stay connected, update my status, check my notifications, my messages, my comments, my likes, my invites.. share, share, share, check, check, check.

the mind has a fantastic capability.. that has been whittled down to infinite scroll and obsessive checking, reporting, observing, comparing.. everything. i am specifically talking about facebook/social media and i am specifically talking about myself..!

i made the decision a week or two ago to quit. for anyone who knows me and how interconnected i enjoy being, especially as an extra-visible media person/artist/party animal/scribe – this is strange and drastic. however – i feel my mental state was far stranger and more drastic.

i have lived on the internet since i was 12 or 13 years old. what about us internet kids, coming into our identities as early teens at the BOOM – we grew up like this, yet we have enough of “life before” to make us wistful.. is this always why i feel like i’m living in two worlds at once, pulled by both? and what about “kids these days” – who have nothing to compare it to? you’re born with an ipad in your hand.. my friend’s baby knows how to tap and swipe and she’s not even 2 years old.

there’s nothing wrong with the internet. it’s a beautiful thing. i’ve been connected to friends from all over the world – some of which i’ve still never met in person. you have a myriad amount of information at your fingertips. the ease of sharing moves at lightspeed, like life itself..

i remember fondly the days of AIM chats and ICQ, angelfire and geocities. message boards, RPG’ing, and writing stories. teaching myself HTML, the satisfaction of skinning a scrollbar or making a photo into a clickable button. endless xanga entries, lyrics, photos, and chat excerpts. all the zillions of ‘about’ statements you write as you grow, change, get older.. myspace. collecting internet friends and comments. and now facebook. and all the rest. we grew up with the rise of the internet. we remember the excitement! the addiction. all of a sudden – everything is meant to be documented and shared, and easily. there’s a whole other WORLD that exists out THERE – in internet-space. and there’s nothing in us – or in me, specifically – that knows how to turn it off.

until now.

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“If science could see freedom, what would it look like? If it wanted to find the will, where would it search? [George] Eliot believed that the mind’s ability to alter itself was the source of our freedom.

i started reading a book i found tossed around the apartment – “proust was a neuroscientist” by jonah lehrer. i didn’t start reading it until now, and – like many things in my life – it arrived when i was ready for it. sometimes you need a reminder of our inherent ability to learn, change, grow. literally the way we’re wired.. literally the way we evolve. the randomness. the chance. the mistakes. the oddities. the way we sneak out from under the thumbprint of concrete rules and regulations.. to be this strange being that was made to change. inherently – we are made for freedom.

this invigorates me.

to look back into history and see people emerging from their ages of anxiety. twisting and turning through theories and speculations, what stuck, what didn’t.. to be reminded that everyday – we have a chance. we have newly born parts of our brains. we can create new pathways. new patterns. and break them. and make them. again and again and again.

“…human freedom is innate, for we are the equation without a set answer. We solve ourselves.”

i guess what i’m trying to say is – it’s beautiful to be human. this freedom i am constantly grasping for – freedom from my habits, my patterns, my addictions, my anxieties – is literally in the fiber of my being. for me, it’s come through resolving to stay wild and keep away from the things i feel are WASTING my brain cells. scroll, scroll, infinite scroll – and endless DISTRACTIONS. i want to read books like these. i want to climb trees. i want to live without documenting every single moment as it happens. i want to live without so much STUFF. and i want to feel – like i have lately – that there are no longer four walls encasing me. that there is more than constantly having to keep up. more than constantly feeling like i’m missing something. more than the knee-jerk reaction to grab my phone or open up a tab for facebook or figure out a filter for instagram at every spare moment, between every task..

yes, this is our world. our gorgeous and troubled age of anxiety, our age of everything and nothing, our culture of scarcity, our over-information age, our over-stimulation age. but this is also me – having grown up with the internet, being prone to anxiety and distraction, having a past of OCD and fixation.. letting my patterns get out of control.

“Eliot was fond of quoting Tennyson’s In Memoriam: ‘There lives more faith in honest doubt,/ Believe me, than in half the creeds.’”

we fall into these pits so we can dig our way out. there is no other way. there is no learning that comes from walking on a straight road, straight into nowhere, knowing it all, seeking nothing. the learning comes from the sweat and the dirt under our fingernails. the blood and bruises. the ache. the digging. the getting up. the walking on.. the doing it again. and doing it differently.

our so-called “mistakes,” our contradictions, our doubts, our duality, our paradoxical nature, our “reckless swings of animal will” (i LOVE that phrasing).. it. is. part. of. us. the blessing of chaos and the randomness that literally allows for our evolution..

the fact that “the mind ‘is not cut in marble – it is not something solid and unalterable’ […] As Eliot wrote, ‘we are a process and an unfolding.’” this is seeming so absolutely riveting and electric to me right now. the fact that – not only is this okay.. it’s how it’s supposed to be.

i think i love this idea so much because it’s literally saying, in science, in our very BEING, our very BODY, written INTO US – is hope. we are malleable. “the soul ‘may be rescued and healed.’”

i am being reminded – by words, by nature, by my contemporaries, by science, by art – that everyday we have a chance to decide. it is MY responsibility to rewire myself, rewrite myself. that a possibility for something ELSE exists every single day, every single moment – and it’s not just new age gospel or self-help fodder. not just in our souls. but inherently – in our bodies, in our blood.

“To accept the freedom inherent in the human brain – to know that the individual is not genetically predestined – is also to accept the fact that we have no single solutions. Every day each one of us is given the gift of new neurons and plastic cortical cells; only we can decide what our brains will become.”

only WE can decide what our brains will become.

“…to be alive is to be ceaselessly beginning.”

and let us never reach the end.

XO

a.

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ps: i picked up a four of clubs / four of wands on the street the other night, and now i know why. (ever find cards on the street? google them. playing cards translate into tarot meanings..). four of wands?

“seeking freedom
getting out of an oppressive situation
breaking free of bonds
cutting loose
opening to new possibilities
escaping unhappy circumstances
claiming self-determination
letting go of limitations”

“If you feel trapped or restricted right now, use the energy of the Four of Wands to launch you into freedom. Do not be afraid to claim the open vistas that are rightfully yours…” [more?]


Into the wild wonderland…

Celebrated as “a wildfire in a world of fluorescent bulbs” and a “poetic force of nature,” Queens, NYC native Audrey Dimola is a shamanically-inclined poet, performer, curator, local arts advocate, community organizer, and lifelong artist, as well as Director of Public Programs at Long Island City’s Socrates Sculpture Park. // Thanks so much for stopping by! You’ll find all my work on this website, past and present, as well as new blog posts. Poetry, prose, videos, events, photos, articles – it’s all here. // STAY WILD, STAY GRATEFUL!

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My Books

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Decisions We Make While We Dream (2012)

TRAVERSALS (2014)

WILDLIGHT coming soon

Compass Project Poetry Stickers

As of February 2012, I've been sticking my Compass Project poetry and prose stickers up around NYC & sending them around the world! Have you seen some? Want some? Find out more!