how do we resolve dualities in our lives? by truth-bringing. staying close to our fires. striving to be cognizant when a visceral fear response drives us to carry out our same destructive impulses. paying attention to pendulum swings. what manifests in the body, body as compass. these truths began in me two years ago, now just starting to fully take shape. we know** how to heal ourselves. we just have to trust** that we do. currently- i am riding the line between instinct and archetype, vibrating at the still point where the medicine is- the real** medicine, and not the quick relief.
i wrote this some weeks ago- funny how, when you are so focused on healing in one part of your life (in this case for me, destructive habits in love and relationships)- you have absolutely no idea** how much you are neglecting the others (in this case for me, the connection between my soul and physical body). trying times, my friends! but there is always hope..
listening to the jungian ‘only the wounded healer heals‘ lecture, mixed in with some ‘women who run with the wolves’ (always) and a new favorite in the fantastic ‘care of the soul’- coupled with intensities of pain and discomfort- is reconstructing my presence to be patient. patient with this psychic sickness, this chronic illness- how the disease can cure. how the wounded healer can heal.
it is alarming how fast you slip into familiar modes of thought. the analogue to this is my crash at the end of 2011-2012, but also my senior year of college. i was looking outwardly instead of inward. no recognition of psyche/soma, just- my body is going rogue and rebelling against me. this marked disconnect- i am trapped in here, can’t control what “it’s” doing, spirit afraid for its life- is the root of all poisons. and where we go in places of fear, for comfort- hiding in the arms of partners, the authorities of chemical medicine.. it’s why i was dismantled- i wasn’t listening. i didn’t remember- i am a healer. and i must listen when the body speaks.
there are layers in everything. psyche and soma are linked. but lately it has been- insurance, referrals, doctors, results, appointments, schedule conflicts, trapped, trapped, trapped. a near immovable ball of anguish and tension lodged in my gut. what about just slowing? what about just moving? returning to self, encouraging the energy to get unstuck. my absorptive nature brings me empathy but also danger. i am equipped to ‘take it.’ it is in my constitution, my mother’s and nana’s too. but i must remember i have tools.
the body has its own subtle and not so subtle clues, or alarms. will we slow, and listen? or run towards panic and relief- often, in our fear, to what makes it worse?
through loving myself i must learn to listen too. i am not just a passenger in this vessel. if i am the firekeeper and the body is the living altar, then my devotion must not be only to my spirit. this incredible organism, this universe we are gifted with- we subject to abuse and destruction, and then instantly become angry when “it’s not working,” when we get sick, feel tired, suddenly stricken with symptoms or ailments. it is as my brilliant friend and teacher paul once wrote- anything you think is distracting you from your work, is your work. similarly- anything you think is distracting you from your life, is your life.
when you leave yourself so debilitated, even a break becomes a violent crash rather than a mindful release. life/death/life.
we always have a choice.
i am working through my body this time- the psychic ailments collected through these past years. what can my psyche/soma do with all of that while i keep filling it up with toxins, emotional and otherwise? it has no place to go. it explodes.
“rather than blame, we could respond”
“listen to these symptoms and adjust life accordingly”
“if the pain could speak, what might it say?”
i speak my pain in poetry, readily- but that is not a whole remedy. it must be listened to and moved out of the body.
“all these noble, richly poetic organs, teeming with meaning and power, have been made into functions”
what can be accomplished with- running from supposed cure to supposed cure, not questioning anything, just- how do i get this to start working again so i can continue with what i was doing?
this is a bigger issue than just the various illness. it’s wringing myself out of the toxins that are incongruent with the person i am at my core, with the life i want to lead.
“the ancient greeks taught that the god who heals is the same god who brought the disease in the first place”
know thyself.
“if we allow sickness to lead us into wonder about the very base of experience, then our spirituality is strengthened. accepting that we are wounded, we enter life differently than if our only concern is to overcome the wound.”
whatever this ailment, psychic or somatic- i will overcome it. because i vow to learn the things i have not learned before. yoga, movement, free(er) expression, song, drumming, releasing, honesty, good food, and habits that will serve me. it is not about what is “right” or “what i should do,” but instead what serves me.
and what serves you is this, wild one.
i know who i am
now
daughter of one from
time before time
i sit at the right
hand of
the wilderness
ready to
shatter the
timepiece
ready to invest in
my becoming
there is no
ghost now, no
dream and no
fire but
my own
how do you walk
from child of
wolf to wolf
woman?
with eyes open
heart split wide
bearing boughs
of truth.
i picked up four stones from the riverbed and arranged them in compass formation. i placed my hand over each, reciting the last prayer i could remember.
whenever you are most scared, go north.
when the darkness seems it will never end, go north.
when you are no longer afraid to die, go north.
when they tell you not to go. go north.
-from ‘two wolves‘
coming up & some more updates:
9/19 NeverTheLess: A Night Of… DUALISM
8-10pm El Barrio Art Space, 215 E. 99th St NYC – $10
a tribe of badass women share poetry, art, music on the topic of DUALISM! i was truly affected by their debut NeverTheLess earlier this year and can’t wait to see how this one turns out <3
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9/28 ART + POETRY SALON curated by Effie Pasagiannis
7-10pm Arlo NoMad, 11 E 31st St NYC – $10
if you know me you know how much i love creative collaboration, and this is one such night in which poets share the original work they’ve written from visual art!
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in other news…
the summer was absolutely consumed in making magic with the incredible communities and cultures at socrates sculpture park- if you’re so inclined, here’s a [photo album] of what i’ve been doing at the park in my first year as public programs director :)
speaking of- two more chances to experience big festivals at socrates before the season is done next month:
QUEENS FOOD DAY
10/14 11am-3pm FREE
a festival of exploring, sharing, conversations, and activities surrounding food justice, nutrition education, urban farming, planting and gardening, sustainability, and healthy living with tons of local community partners!
[Facebook] / [Socrates website]
HALLOWEEN HARVEST
10/28 11am-3pm FREE
this year it’s dia de los muertos/day of the dead themed with a performance/procession by ballet folklorico mexicano, art and costume making, a communal ancestral altar, and our annual tradition of doggie costume contest!
[Facebook] / [Socrates website]
ps- my third book of poetry and prose, WILDLIGHT will be coming in 2018. not exactly as planned but.. i trust. <3
as we head into the introspective fall and winter months, i am writing with a sincere wish that you are looking after yourselves (the way i obviously haven’t been lately). looking forward to these seasons of turning inward for cultivation, HEALING, shamanic journeying and exploratory movement- and giving thanks for another year of life (i turned 31 last month!) to explore, share, create what i wish to experience..
grateful for you all, and wishing you brave passage on this seasonal transition-
here,
where frantic ego
swinging lamp
stops short
at the edge-
it is only truth
who can jump
the cliff
and
live
XO
a.
audrey di mola - folkloric futurism 