go slowly.

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you are the only one who can decide what is healing to you and what that actually means.

sometimes you can’t accept help.

sometimes help is the thing that turns you further and further away.

sometimes you know you’re spiting yourself. isolating yourself. hurting people you love. but there’s nothing you can do.

for me, i’m such a hyper-aware/obsessive/fixating person that my cognition is on overload- what is the reason? how are we processing this? what comes nextnextnext?

the greatest thing- the only thing- we can do.. is just show up. as yoga teaches us every time we arrive.

just be there, in some situation out of the ordinary. with no expectation, cognition, pressure, NOTHING.

applaud yourself for the days you move. smile. go outside to touch a tree. look at the stars.

don’t guilt yourself into or out of anything.

just show up at yoga. start making some crazy collage. make a therapy appointment. go for a walk. make yourself a meal. any small thing. and then just be there. be in it. receive it. because the healing just happens. i feel it right now, 3 days back into yoga.

you can read self-help and advice books until the end of time- and i love them too- but you have to just embody it. get there. be there. get out of bed. or go to sleep early. and show up.

sometimes teachings work backwards for me because i constantly beat myself up- i know this. i know better. you feel the pressure, the expectation, the guilt, shame, time slipping away.

so- i am just writing to you lovingly from a moment outside the darkness.

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just show up.

because the possibility of transformation is so much more pure and REAL than any kind of cognition, reasoning, logic, grandiose or complicated process your mind wants to implement.

right now- that’s all i can ask of myself. showing up, everyday. some consistency that i have never had in this increasingly bewildering world.

our lives feel meaningless because we’re always waiting for the big bang, so overstimulated it’s only the big things that can touch us anymore. what about the sensations of being alive, the sights and sounds, awareness?

as my best friend said so perceptively.. we are pulled over on the side of the road fiddling with our GPS, google maps, and wifi signal. instead of remembering- WE. CAN. JUST. DRIVE.

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here, my heart goes analog.

“go slowly, and you will find the way out.”

XO

a.

for the one who needs to climb to understand.

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“when we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: be still! be still! look at me! life is not easy, life is not difficult. those are childish thoughts… home is neither here nor there. home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.” -hesse

trees are extremely close to my psychic sense of self.. in fact, on a morning in which i had given away some keys to an old life- i climbed the tree in that photo at the edge of astoria park and found- another key, tied to a red string. life is all about the symbology we apply to it, the meaning we ourselves ascribe.. or else there is nothing. i will never forget how- in my heartache and restlessness i sat, read, communed, and wrote stories up in my favorite tree in fort greene part in brooklyn (which i later discovered was named by a little girl i ran into as ‘the grandmother tree’.. perhaps my nana sent me another grandmother on earth..?). i have beautiful memories of climbing trees with my brother and sister in rainey park in long island city- teaching my sister how to trust her wildness, my own self being spurred on by her presence to climb higher, abandon my fear. this piece came out of an interaction this morning- and i was just thinking of how i haven’t posted something non-event related in awhile.. here you are. thanks for the inspiration. and thanks to my brothers & sisters. the trees.

**

i am doing what i know. i cannot do what i cannot know. and so i do this. do not tell me not to climb the trees. to touch them, to trust them with my body, to be held by them as they hold me in psychic spirit, to rest, to receive. do you remember your girl-self, the explorer, who could only touch to understand- to press against, to peer, to look, to feel? eyes are hands sometimes. bodies are all points of an eight-sided starburst, each point a perceptor, antennae- in my vision the bears and birds gave me their feathers and furs- i am just beginning to remember the reason why. do not tell me not to climb the trees- how you anchor my movements in ego, the cement that sticks to my wild bones, hardening, separating- my soul from sinew, my song from self, the trees i give, they give, we give to each other. i feel their LIVING HEART, not as mere idea, but BREATHING- we complete the sacred circle, i hear their energy in my head. have you forgotten the will of palpability? of feelings beyond discernment from afar, ribbons of judgment cast down from lofty windows, tangled in branches of trees- why yes, i am sitting in. i feel as creature, i must do as creature, this is what makes me think without discord, perceive without pretense, REMEMBER that i can talk to souls that communicate without limiting sound-words through limited language i can no longer hear when my chest is pressed up against the bark so tight we can feel each other’s intention. love so purely encircling it is like the infinite warrior guardian i want to know how to be.. can be. if the trees teach me this, teach you this- why halt the force of echo, remembrance? i can only do what i know, just as you can. and this is what i know: i will climb the trees until my body can no longer. wild and grateful, still, to be healed by the medicine of my memory. do not pretend to know more than i know about the earth and what it wants, the trees and what they feel, my heart and what their hearts need to feel. i can hear them and so can you. we all know the same, we all know nothing, we are all prostrate before the altar of learning, listening- what you hear is different from what i hear, and that is okay. let the trees be. i am, i say, i am. i am feeling, holding, releasing, dreaming, reading, gazing, blessing, infinitely talking, feeling, seeing. to them, with them, as them. i hear them too loud to let them be. they hear me too loud to let me be. we are. being. .. are you?

XO

a.

happy birthday to me

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can there be any possibility of completely understanding who we are and why we’re here or where we are going? […] you have to keep on asking. -kunitz

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! <3 (leo grrlz throw ya paws up!! ;))

thank you all for helping make it a crazy-beautiful and incredibly memorable trip around the sun..

for all the words, the enthusiasm, shows attended, inspiration shared, hugs exchanged, hearts touched, collaborations made, opportunities presented, magic conjured, and LOVE given freely.. thank you, thank you, thank you.

for this one life, this voyage of mine that sometimes veers into the wildest of waters- i am so grateful.

i realized the other day that the gorgeous moments of life are a lot of like bright islands in a shadowy sea.

each moment stands like an island circling light like a beacon in the darkness- it can’t be compared to anything else, it just is. even lost in the wild sea, know that- a few more breaths, strokes- the light will fill you, find you again. be witness to what it is you feel. the grace in almost drowning and finding another island. life is like that. light-filled islands in the dark, wild sea. shifting, eroding, flooding, so you can’t quite stay, but god.. so beautiful while you do.

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my birthday wish is to remain cognizant of how lucky i am, every. single. day.

i want to share 29 pieces of wisdom with you that have been helping me through the wilderness of this particularly heart-cracking summer.

with fire-filled thanks for my twenty-ninth year..

out of darkness lion heart pumping,

XO

a.

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29 for 29 / how to make it through the wilderness:

1. don’t forget that this too is part of the magic you have to offer the world. this pain we go through. our wilderness years. –nick calder

2. in other words, fear doesn’t go away. the warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew everyday. –the war of art

3. discontent, restlessness, doubt, despair, longing […] instead of facing them, one runs away; one escapes- into depressions, nervous breakdowns, drink, love affairs, or frantic, thoughtless, fruitless overwork. anything, rather than face them. anything, rather than stand still and learn from them. one tries to cure the signs of growth, to exorcise them, as if they were devils, when they really might be angels of annunciation. –gift from the sea

4. we insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity- in freedom. –gift from the sea

5. maybe that’s why i have a fragile heart. you can’t accept everything, or you become a monster. –the golden legend (film)

6. the kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. they have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually. –when things fall apart

7. you don’t have to have a college degree to serve. you don’t have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. you don’t have to know about plato and aristotle to serve. you don’t have to know einstein’s theory of relativity to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love. and you can be that servant. –MLK

8. being preoccupied with our self-image is like being deaf and blind. it’s like standing in the middle of a vast field of wildflowers with a black hood over our heads. –when things fall apart

9. if you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin. –women who run with the wolves

10. there must be a little, and in many cases, a good deal of blood spilled on every story, on every aspect of your own life […] if a person is to carry a true medicine. –women who run with the wolves

11. listen to the birds always. –shane hobel, mountain scout survival

12. and though of magnificence and splendour, your house shall not hold your secret nor shelter your longing. for that which is boundless in you abides in the mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning mist, and whose windows are the songs and the silences of night. –the prophet

13. do it with all your heart and then don’t care when it breaks. –eduardo, on the metro

14. I placed one foot on the wide plain
of death, and some grand immensity
sounded on the emptiness.

I have felt nothing ever
like the wild wonder of that moment. –rumi

15. for horror not to repeat itself endlessly we have to understand its makeup, be willing to look at it, get close to it, at the same time not burn up with it. what we avoid corrupts and deforms us- we are always twisting away from it. and it shows in our writing, in the way we sit and walk. –the true art of writing

16. it is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. it is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. when one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. if one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. […] only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others, i am beginning to discover… –gift from the sea

17. only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. –when things fall apart

18. ask not of things to shed their veils. unveil yourselves, and things will be unveiled. nor ask of things to break their seals. unseal ourselves, and all will be unsealed. […] if, then, your world be such a baffling riddle, it is because you are that baffling riddle. and if your speech be such a woeful maze, it is because you are that woeful maze. –the book of mirdad

19. if there’s a god or any kind of justice under the sky
if there’s a point, if there’s a reason to live or die
if there’s an answer to the questions we feel bad to ask
show yourself, destroy your fears, release your mask… –QUEEN [listen]

20. ’i’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart.
‘yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart.
‘but you have never been beyond it.’ –coelho

21. i am always being overwhelmed, i require it to sustain life. –everett ruess

22. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR MY EGO TO DIE! –nahko [listen]

23. what the hibernating winter in their blood/ needs to become- some dreaming scene/ of humans lumbering away, walking/ on their tongues and tasting/ the truth of the earth. –hochman

24. how sublime is the silence of nature’s ever-active energies! there is something in the very name of wilderness, which charms the ear, and soothes the spirit of man. there is religion in it. -wilderness & the american mind

25. TODAY, TODAY LIVE LIKE YOU WANNA
LET YESTERDAY BURN & THROW IT IN A FIRE
IN A FIRE, IN A FIRE
LIVE LIKE A WARRIOR –matisyahu [listen]

26. But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us- to know
Whence our lives come and where they go. -m.arnold

27. We want so much,
When perhaps we live best
In the spaces between loves,

That unconscious roving,
The heart its own rough animal.
Unfettered. -tracy k. smith

28. an animal flowers in the elements. it grows wings. –humanimal

29. the solution for me, surely, is neither in total renunciation of the world, nor in total acceptance of it. i must find a balance somewhere, or an alternating rhythm between these two extremes; a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return. –gift from the sea

& one for luck**

when you look back on a lifetime and think of what has been given to the world by your presence, your fugitive presence, inevitably you think of your art, whatever it may be, as the gift you have made to the world in acknowledgment of the gift you have been given, which is the life itself. and i think the world tends to forget that this is the ultimate significance of the body of work each artist produces. that work is not an expression of the desire for praise or recognition, or prizes, but the deepest manifestation of your gratitude for the gift of life. –kunitz

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lose your self-consciousness
gain your self-awareness
back.

be the light on the underside
of leaf
move like the forest teaches
you to move

the goal for you is to overcome
restriction

it is up to you to be a human
translation of the wild

be the wolf they can see in the
shine of your iris in sunlight

help them remember how. –notes from my treehouse

sea shanty

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things have been tumultuous.

today, on a whim, i got in a cab and told the driver: “anywhere in coney island.”

in my entire life, i don’t think i’ve ever been to the beach completely alone.

after having so much trouble writing.. relating. feeling. loving. believing.

in the sea, by the sea, as the sea- i was accepted, broken.

and in the space- i wrote.

i.
it is always as if- i am
seeing it for the first time.
i must believe as the first man did
god is in the ocean.
god is in the earth.
i no longer believe in one god.
i do not know of omniscience.
i only remember what healing is
when my feet touch scorching sand
particles glittering in a force
as wild
as i am.
nature is my only echo.
i am part and parcel.
crash of wave in my roiling heart.
murky depths.
unexplainable.
home to everything.
home to nothing.
home- forever changing.
i must have been a sailor.
because i can’t remember
what it’s like to not be in motion.
dwarfed and frightened and
awed by
majesty beyond your
mortal life.
when i arrive here:
I Arrive.
seagull shadow on
pen and paper.
leopard crabshell
discarded on the beach.
i want to walk
straight out into the
water
and never look back.
as hard as i try-
i cannot understand
anything else.
my heart on fire
has cooled
to floods, to this-
giving and taking
away, giving and
taking
away.
my mind which
never lets me
rest now
dissolving to
foam, bubble,
fragments. seabirds.
i know now
even the barnacles,
the ocean moss, the
crusted shells in
cluster-
have a place here.
i, too, would
latch on
and never leave.

ii.
i love
everything about
the ocean.
even, suddenly, things i couldn’t
bear to behold.
here there are no
notifications.
no guilt, no
smashed
hands or
phones.
you cannot force me
to feel.
i, who in these moments
have felt nothing,
now feel
all.
or at least-
the smallest glimmer
from a match-flick
of something.
an ocean whisper-
don’t leave us.
not yet.
we still have
things
to say.

iii.
if i could lead you
into a poem that is
my life
right now it would be
sounds and
only
darkness.
the slightest shrill of
wayfaring birds, the
slightest swing of
contained flame
in the distance
on the end of
an
outstretched arm,
the prow of a ship,
a billowing sail
saying only- i can
do this.
you must try
to move with me
in the dark.
walking will
do you no good here.
nor any knowledge
of four walls.
only sandy stretches
glittering like nebulas
a sky made of
bluing mussel shells
and fading
footprints.
there is no way
to make me see
otherwise-
the worldly things
besides
ankles tangled
with seaweed,
the crash of wave,
the
infinite
motion.
please do not
ask me to
stand still.
please do not beg me
to feel something
when i am curled
inside
these shadows.
only remind me
of the cycles.
the dusk and dawn
of the sea.
remind me that
these waters
in my heart
my head
this poem
are home for all
who have no
other place
to simply be.

iv.
i feel so infinite and
at peace.
like nothing exists
but this.
if i have to, everyday
or every other day or
every friday
i will return to
this ocean.
i feel as out of place
in the world as
a girl with fins
on land.
i am singing my own
sea shanty
in my heart
always.
i told him this morning
my heart feels like
a piece of driftwood
with the ocean crashing
against it.
and now here i am-
standing in the
water.
calmed by the sea
crashing into
me.

v.
this glittering sand
feels like
the most beautiful thing
i have ever seen.
it reminds me what i am a
part of and
what is a part
of me.

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thank you, coney island.

XO

a.

forget me not.

sparkler

i wrote this for someone very dear to me, in remembrance of someone dear to him. their story, her story, hit me hard. the details. realizing yet again that all we have is this moment.. and everything we leave behind. the impressions we make on the people we love – and even people we’ve never met. sometimes a star is just that bright..

this is for sweet alex, with love to her.. and all those we are left staring at the sky, wishing for.

“life is beautiful, go tell everyone”

this is for you, dear beauty
i’ve never met-
because the wildness makes
us all sisters.
the universe doesn’t always
make it easy but
souls still burn
even in absence. sometimes
even brighter..
never contained. only memories.
only purity. only song. only
golden strands & flecks of
blue. you.
this is for you, beauty.
who had things to do
on the other side of silence,
your path redrawn abruptly-
all of us
lighting candles,
watching for your spark
inside the flame.
the last thing he
said to you was a sweet
promise to keep
“until next time” –
now saved
for the clouds..
a thousand candles,
a jazz band
bumpin’ so fine
you can dance
as long &
as joyfully
as you damn well
please.
& that is what we
will do,
beauty.
we will look at your
smile in photos
& post words you
can’t read & title
as-yet-unimagined artworks
after your mexican
standoff eyes in the
19th century drawing
room of your face.
& we will go on.
all the strange &
simple things-
the dusting of snow,
soggy cereal, the
sighs on the other
end of the phone..
we know you’re still
working, out there.
& we must too.
you are part of the
wild now.
the endless whirling in
our heads when we
try to sleep,
where we go
when we get lost
in brushstrokes,
the feeling that
makes us dance &
dance until we cry
from laughter,
from ache..
how lucky are we
to have seen a
shooting star?
some souls have
forever to make a
move & never do.
others streak across
our sky but once
& we can never
ever
forget.
travel well,
beauty.
we’re curling up inside
the space you left
this winter..
the glow of your
remembrance
will keep us warm.

XO

a.

grateful for AND’s…

i am so excited to say that the #UseYourAnd campaign has officially LAUNCHED!

useyourand

the Gillette Venus #UseYourAnd global campaign launched yesterday to celebrate the BEAUTY of being OUTSIDE THE BOX. it’s centered around this video, which i am so lucky to be featured in:

Show “or” the door-this is the story of “&”. The story of realizing your true potential. Put an end to the one-dimensional labels that limit your potential. Because you are beautiful AND smart. You can be an astronaut AND a soccer player AND a ballerina. Your life is composed of many ANDs – an empowering sum of all of the things you are, and all you want to be. Venus invites you and women everywhere to take a stand against one-dimensional labels. #UseYourAnd.

there are no words to say how grateful i am to be part of a campaign that hones in on something i believe in SO strongly: being bold and multi-faceted in the face of labels – overcoming all those gatekeepers that are CONSTANTLY trying to hold us back or pin us down. it’s all about making people FEEL something.. and reading the comments from friends and strangers alike is truly heart-stirring. this is what it’s about – reminding each other why we’re here and who we truly are. that there is no box, no cage, no boundary that can contain us. we are limitless. wild AND smart AND bold AND… :)

THANK YOU so much to the entire cast, crew, and production team. i will NEVER forget this experience.

here’s also a fantastic look at the story behind the campaign:

(video no longer available)

You are too beautifully complex for a simple label. Venus is on a mission to put an end to one-dimensional labels that limit your potential. Because you can rock an outfit & the stage. Win the race & the crown. Climb mountains & corporate ladders. You are beauty & brains. Grace & guts. Time to show “or” the door and believe in the power of &.Venus invites women everywhere to take a stand against one-dimensional labels and #UseYourAnd.

i LOVE how i am listed as “poet & optimist”!! and i LOVE how Gillette took steps to find REAL girls with REAL stories.. my soul-sisters in these videos are incredible, and there is nothing more rewarding than to be cast for who you really are. i feel so blessed to be doing one of the things i love most in the world, performing poetry/spoken word, for this campaign.

please share, tweet, like, and of course HASHTAG #UseYourAnd on all forms of social media to share YOUR journey and your limitless qualities, and to help bring this story to other friends and loved ones. it’s our positive revolution, one soul at a time, all across the globe…

so incredible.

see more from Gillette Venus on Facebook, Twitter & YouTube!

infinitely,

XO

a.

* by the way, just in case anyone lands here from elsewhere – gillette venus wrote the fantastic words (not me), then found a real poet to perform it (me!). :)

happy wild new year

you are a warrior

last day of 2014.. this year has given me so much. the first year i really, truly began to LIVE FREE. through loss, through change, through pushing further, through smashing up against walls, crashing through mirrors, feeling the RUSH, the elation of knowing the universe is racing hard alongside you, spurring you onward – yes, yes, YES.

work

i spent last night planning and plotting with my best friend in the whole world. i feel again that everything has a purpose. that the compass in your heart is the only thing worth following. that everything else is noise.

i have found the wildness once more.

this year i performed on stages big and small, released TRAVERSALS to the world, experimented, collaborated, cried, forgot how to cry, burned, moved, ran, shook, curled in the shadows, and burst into the light once again. i’ve been on TV and on the internet, in books and in the trees..

audrey inspired word

tree

but i have learned that what truly matters – is walking the walk. practicing what you preach. remaining a student. learning everyday. staying humble but staying WILD. staying GRATEFUL. pushing harder. patting yourself on the back. trusting your instincts. because you KNOW. you always.. know.

what matters is warmth. transparency. and connection. the REALNESS of the experience that we are all here to dance and struggle and sing to.

there is no going back once you embrace potentiality. the possibility of every moment. the realization that it doesn’t matter anymore what THEY think, what ANYONE thinks, what it looks like from the OUTSIDE. keeping up appearances..

what matters.. is YOU. raw, real YOU.

this is all i am – and all that i can be. rediscovering the WILD WOMAN we somehow lose along the way..

“It is these fleeting tastes which come both through beauty as well as loss, that cause us to become so bereft, so agitated, so longing that we eventually must pursue the wildish nature. Then we leap into the forest or into the desert or into the snow and run hard, our eyes scanning the ground, our hearing sharply tuned, searching under, searching over, searching for a clue, a remnant, a sign that she still lives, that we have not lost our chance. And when we pick up her trail, it is typical of women to ride hard to catch up, to clear off the desk, clear off the relationship, clear out one’s mind, turn to a new page, insist on a break, break the rules, stop the world, for we are not going on without her any longer.”
-Women Who Run With The Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD

i will keep living. and talking myself into living.. i will keep feeling. i will keep remembering. even when it hurts.. i will separate nostalgia from pain. try hard. make it come alive again. make it all pure. turn it into fuel. because i am a magician.. alchemist. blood and sweat and fire turned to happy tears.

i have always been too loud, too wild, too restless in my thoughts and emotions.

this shining set of wings, they hurt when they broke through but now –

after the unendurable. after the grief..

they belong.

BEST WISHES from my heart to yours for two-thousand-fifteen.

thank you INFINITELY for your love, support & inspiration..

XO

a.

CATCH ME

* In the Winter 2015 issue of Queens Library’s “Enrich Your Life”

audrey dimola queens library

* In Kingston University’s Words, Pauses, Noises

* On NY1 TV talking about TRAVERSALS & Queens lit – watch here!

* In a Local Express feature interview in the Queens Gazette newspaper

* And in a Gillette Venus internet campaign for 2015 – YES! #UseYourAnd!

UPCOMING EVENTS

* Hosting Boundless Tales Reading Series 1/8/15, 7pm [Facebook]

* Featured Reader at Queens Library Main Branch (Jamaica) 1/11/15, 2-4pm [Website]

* Featured Performer at Mike Geffner’s The Inspired Word 5-Year Anniversary Extravaganza 1/17/15, 7pm [Website]

* Hosting & Curating my Nature of the Muse fireside reading & live writing show! 1/29/15, 7:30pm – featuring Marc Montfleury, Roya Marsh, Valerie G. Keane, Kevin Marquez, and special musical guests Jeanne Marie Boes and Geoff Ong. [Facebook]

TRAVERSALS!

My second book was released in November 2014. Get it directly from ME via PayPal or on the shelves of the Astoria Bookshop!

traversals astoria bookshop

So grateful for the amazing feedback.. The journey is everything.

gianna traversals

“I’ve never heard you speak but I heard cracks and cries of voice not unfamiliar, the words came right off the page. And I sat in a dark cafe but the space was illuminated because the pages went by, flames in my hands. You have a powerful rhythm and song to your writing…”
g. ligammari, artist

“Enjoyed every poem, some of them made me laugh and others made me teary-eyed. This Queens radiant poet is as honest and open as any human can be…” wendy angulo, CEO/founder of wendy angulo productions, & curator of canvas of words

“Audrey = magic. Every day. Get the book – it’s a stunner.” –anne born, author of a marshmallow on the bus

traversals praise

Get more info about TRAVERSALS, excerpts, and additional reviews!