LIVE THEATRE / Personal Truth + New Names

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hello my friends–

i haven’t written to you since before all of this began. truly hoping that you and your loved ones are okay– that you are finding joy and lightness in this– that you are protecting yourself with love from all the fear-mongering, being led by evolution into alternate and higher states of consciousness and healing.. we are IN THIS, aren’t we? here. we. are. please reach out if you want to chat, zoom, so on and so forth. i am doing my best to be Here, first and foremost for mySelf {self-care is essential and 250% valid– please remember this..}.

most immediately i wanted to share with you– that we are presenting the mystical and ritualistic theatrical offering, “A PASSION” by DZIECI live on YOUTUBE LIVE tonight (april 10) at 8pm as we usually do in person– in time for easter and passover.

working with this company since last year has been transformative and life-changing– and being a direct part of how they have “accepted the conditions” and adapted such a physical play full of presence to the virtual medium we have at our disposal– has been exhausting, revelatory, precious, frustrating, and full of inherent truth.

{edit from the FUTURE, you can watch it HERE!}

“Taking ‘The Passion According to St. Matthew’ as a starting point, Dzieci researched early translations of the text, relying heavily on the Aramaic Pashita, and incorporated Hebraic song and chant and ritual elements of Judaism to craft a work that would appeal to the human spirit in everyone.

This delicate and communal piece was originally crafted with choral singing, dance, and ritual movement. It has now been re-envisioned for another medium. Though separated in body, may we remain together in spirit.”

i have also been directed to Speak Plainly about Extraordinary Things.
to stand more fully in my Truth of Being as messenger, alchemist, bridge-walker, spirit-talker, storyteller-seer.

i shared this last night on instagram {after 4 hours of dzieci rehearsal in the dark on the floor in my bathroom ;) #accepttheconditions}:

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#realism
today during my somatic session i heard my {brilliantly intuitive} practitioner reflect this seemingly innocuous sentence to me: ‘this feels too good, i can’t stay here’ — but without warning, immediately, tears sprang to my eyes, i turned away + my body locked up tight into defensive crunch.
i couldn’t believe how quickly + how deeply the nerve was pressed.
and there it was.
the dichotomy, stark– and i got to be with mySelf, and lead mySelf through it. without forcing, without pushing, without jargoning/analyzing to death inside my mind.
just by Being. With.

it’s difficult for me to face the idea that my time as Wildfire is over. this was the name that resurrected me, that pointed me in direction of my purpose.
but i have lived enough days burning my way through things.
the fire that i feel now is Honed. Gentle. Focused.
the fire, the heat– channeled, directed– into another kind of self-generated alchemical fuel.

i have been given New Names– perhaps as bastian was directed in the neverending story, to give the childlike empress her New Name + recreate fantastica in his own unique way.

the faeries gave me NOVA.🌟
and last night in my dreams, i was given LinnĂ©a,đŸŒŒ ringing in my ears as i awoke. subsequently not surprised to understand its link to my beloved linden– grandfather tree– its flower and leaf i have tattooed on my forearm beneath ‘A Prayer To See + Be Seen.’ i have been wild for so long. forceful. erratic. stubborn. cavalier.
but i am not afraid to be gentle.
i am not afraid to be good.
i am not afraid to move with peace, have peace, Be Peace.

may i grow– towards new stars✹ and with deeper rootsđŸŒ±– as holy New Destinies shape themselves inside me […] 💎

***

this is a Moment to Stand Fully, and Truly As We Are.
surely, the truth of our lives, and the life of humanity Itself, depends on It.
what is the message held in the truth of your life, and are you allowing yourself to express it?
this time is as right and as true as any– in fact, perhaps so much truer.

wishing you and your beloveds safe travels in these strange times.

loving always,

XO

audrey
{NOVA Linnéa}

here also is a new PRAYER POEM i wrote called “the body is a prayer for beginning,” debuted live this past february for borne dance company‘s eating disorder/mental health awareness event :)

go slowly.

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you are the only one who can decide what is healing to you and what that actually means.

sometimes you can’t accept help.

sometimes help is the thing that turns you further and further away.

sometimes you know you’re spiting yourself. isolating yourself. hurting people you love. but there’s nothing you can do.

for me, i’m such a hyper-aware/obsessive/fixating person that my cognition is on overload- what is the reason? how are we processing this? what comes nextnextnext?

the greatest thing- the only thing- we can do.. is just show up. as yoga teaches us every time we arrive.

just be there, in some situation out of the ordinary. with no expectation, cognition, pressure, NOTHING.

applaud yourself for the days you move. smile. go outside to touch a tree. look at the stars.

don’t guilt yourself into or out of anything.

just show up at yoga. start making some crazy collage. make a therapy appointment. go for a walk. make yourself a meal. any small thing. and then just be there. be in it. receive it. because the healing just happens. i feel it right now, 3 days back into yoga.

you can read self-help and advice books until the end of time- and i love them too- but you have to just embody it. get there. be there. get out of bed. or go to sleep early. and show up.

sometimes teachings work backwards for me because i constantly beat myself up- i know this. i know better. you feel the pressure, the expectation, the guilt, shame, time slipping away.

so- i am just writing to you lovingly from a moment outside the darkness.

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just show up.

because the possibility of transformation is so much more pure and REAL than any kind of cognition, reasoning, logic, grandiose or complicated process your mind wants to implement.

right now- that’s all i can ask of myself. showing up, everyday. some consistency that i have never had in this increasingly bewildering world.

our lives feel meaningless because we’re always waiting for the big bang, so overstimulated it’s only the big things that can touch us anymore. what about the sensations of being alive, the sights and sounds, awareness?

as my best friend said so perceptively.. we are pulled over on the side of the road fiddling with our GPS, google maps, and wifi signal. instead of remembering- WE. CAN. JUST. DRIVE.

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here, my heart goes analog.

“go slowly, and you will find the way out.”

XO

a.

Discovery: it’s whatever you want it to be.

There is so much I want to say about TRAVERSALS, the launch, new adventures and struggles and challenges, but first.. This.

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Remember the way it was when you were a kid.

I like this concept of the personal essay. I don’t like that my computer is forcing me to use upper-case I’s. But I digress.

I can’t stop dipping back into the past. But with recent readings I feel better about my constant sense of longing. I am at odds.. I am the ennui-obsessed artist constantly stretching fingertips towards the sky. However I also have been so lucky to learn about Eastern philosophies and all of those New Age-y teachings that have thankfully become so much more prevalent now.. BE GRATEFUL. For what you have. Inherently does that mean – don’t REACH?

I feel bad for reaching. Guilt. Something I always tangle with.. How can I be the fully present, open-eyed, grateful yogini while also grappling with the sense of ennui that makes me create? (And get into trouble…) I think I need to accept – they are both part of me. There is no grand transformation that is one day going to occur to make me think and feel the way I’m “supposed to” to live a better, fuller life.

I am a wildchild. That means many things.. That means embracing all parts of myself – the stillness of the forest, the tumble of the river, the CRASH of a waterfall.

I am everything.

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And this is why I cannot stop reaching towards the past. Although I was not exempt from anxieties, fears of mortality, insomnia, boredom, etc etc etc – there was something different. Something us “grown-ups” are always trying to get back.

When you were little – when you wanted to do something, you did it. Even though you had no money of your own and little means besides imagination, household objects, and whatever your parents or loved ones gave you.. I remember. Without training or schooling or funds or qualifications – you just were.

If you wanted to be a photographer, you took pictures. If you wanted to be a dancer, you danced. An acrobat, a writer, a choreographer, a teacher, an explorer, a singer.. There was no knee-jerk reaction to stop yourself and say, waitwaitwait – I can’t be THAT because I am THIS. Or I don’t have enough money, time, resources, influence, on and on. And my personal favorite – who am I to think I can be X, Y, or Z? Who the hell do I think I AM?

Why, would you look at that. Who the hell do I think I am? Whatever I want to be.

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I feel like the actions we took when we were little are a wonderful compass to follow when it comes to direction for the rest of our lives – because we truly did what we wanted to, without worrying about what anyone else would think. At least I did.

I was Renaissance woman before I even truly knew what the Renaissance was. I was a singer, poet, playwright, director & stage manager, athlete, obstacle course organizer, amusement park builder, adventure leader, teacher, circus coach. Imaginary figure skater. Radio DJ.. I always come back to this because I need to REMEMBER. We all do.

When we are spinning out in life.. Trace your way back to your little self – the being who did whatever gave them JOY. Would your kid self waste time with things they didn’t want to do? Naw. And I’m not talking about quitting your job! Running into the hills! Never paying bills! I’m talking about.. Connecting to your true self, which I think is so pure when you’re a child. Connect to that self, and dream boldly the way you used to. Do what you can, where you are – the way you did when you were a child. A blanket becomes a fort. Your living room becomes the woods. A pile of pillows is the ocean to dive into. Need palm trees for the beach? Draw them, cut them out, and stick them up on the wall. Not good enough? We didn’t even have a second to consider it..

It sounds so rudimentary but with our world constantly beating us up and dumbing us down and distracting us – we FORGET! Ah, God, always – we forget. We clutter ourselves with CONDITIONS, CIRCUMSTANCES, dare I say EXCUSES! But you know what?

It’s okay.

Because just like you changed from a mermaid into a unicorn with the flick of a wrist when you were a kid – you can change your circumstance. The slightest, tiniest efforts – they matter.

Some days – they just suck. You know it. I know it. But infuse your life with that little kid magic.. You haven’t lost it. Even if you have to search down deep in the darkest caverns of your mind..

Your inner child is waiting with a lantern.. and the promise of ADVENTURE.

light

GO!

XO

a.