go slowly.

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you are the only one who can decide what is healing to you and what that actually means.

sometimes you can’t accept help.

sometimes help is the thing that turns you further and further away.

sometimes you know you’re spiting yourself. isolating yourself. hurting people you love. but there’s nothing you can do.

for me, i’m such a hyper-aware/obsessive/fixating person that my cognition is on overload- what is the reason? how are we processing this? what comes nextnextnext?

the greatest thing- the only thing- we can do.. is just show up. as yoga teaches us every time we arrive.

just be there, in some situation out of the ordinary. with no expectation, cognition, pressure, NOTHING.

applaud yourself for the days you move. smile. go outside to touch a tree. look at the stars.

don’t guilt yourself into or out of anything.

just show up at yoga. start making some crazy collage. make a therapy appointment. go for a walk. make yourself a meal. any small thing. and then just be there. be in it. receive it. because the healing just happens.Β i feel it right now, 3 days back into yoga.

you can read self-help and advice books until the end of time- and i love them too- but you have to just embody it. get there. be there. get out of bed. or go to sleep early. and show up.

sometimes teachings work backwards for me because i constantly beat myself up- i know this. i know better. you feel the pressure, the expectation, the guilt, shame, time slipping away.

so- i am just writing to you lovingly from a moment outside the darkness.

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just show up.

because the possibility of transformation is so much more pure and REAL than any kind of cognition, reasoning, logic, grandiose or complicated process your mind wants to implement.

right now- that’s all i can ask of myself. showing up, everyday. some consistency that i have never had in this increasingly bewildering world.

our lives feel meaningless because we’re always waiting for the big bang, so overstimulated it’s only the big things that can touch us anymore. what about the sensations of being alive, the sights and sounds, awareness?

as my best friend said so perceptively.. we are pulled over on the side of the road fiddling with our GPS, google maps, and wifi signal. instead of remembering- WE. CAN. JUST. DRIVE.

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here, my heart goes analog.

“go slowly, and you will find the way out.”

XO

a.

Discovery: it’s whatever you want it to be.

There is so much I want to say about TRAVERSALS, the launch, new adventures and struggles and challenges, but first.. This.

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Remember the way it was when you were a kid.

I like this concept of the personal essay. I don’t like that my computer is forcing me to use upper-case I’s. But I digress.

I can’t stop dipping back into the past. But with recent readings I feel better about my constant sense of longing. I am at odds.. I am the ennui-obsessed artist constantly stretching fingertips towards the sky. However I also have been so lucky to learn about Eastern philosophies and all of those New Age-y teachings that have thankfully become so much more prevalent now.. BE GRATEFUL. For what you have. Inherently does that mean – don’t REACH?

I feel bad for reaching. Guilt. Something I always tangle with.. How can I be the fully present, open-eyed, grateful yogini while also grappling with the sense of ennui that makes me create? (And get into trouble…) I think I need to accept – they are both part of me. There is no grand transformation that is one day going to occur to make me think and feel the way I’m “supposed to” to live a better, fuller life.

I am a wildchild. That means many things.. That means embracing all parts of myself – the stillness of the forest, the tumble of the river, the CRASH of a waterfall.

I am everything.

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And this is why I cannot stop reaching towards the past. Although I was not exempt from anxieties, fears of mortality, insomnia, boredom, etc etc etc – there was something different. Something us “grown-ups” are always trying to get back.

When you were little – when you wanted to do something, you did it. Even though you had no money of your own and little means besides imagination, household objects, and whatever your parents or loved ones gave you.. I remember. Without training or schooling or funds or qualifications – you just were.

If you wanted to be a photographer, you took pictures. If you wanted to be a dancer, you danced. An acrobat, a writer, a choreographer, a teacher, an explorer, a singer.. There was no knee-jerk reaction to stop yourself and say, waitwaitwait – I can’t be THAT because I am THIS. Or I don’t have enough money, time, resources, influence, on and on. And my personal favorite – who am I to think I can be X, Y, or Z? Who the hell do I think I AM?

Why, would you look at that. Who the hell do I think I am? Whatever I want to be.

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I feel like the actions we took when we were little are a wonderful compass to follow when it comes to direction for the rest of our lives – because we truly did what we wanted to, without worrying about what anyone else would think. At least I did.

I was Renaissance woman before I even truly knew what the Renaissance was. I was a singer, poet, playwright, director & stage manager, athlete, obstacle course organizer, amusement park builder, adventure leader, teacher, circus coach. Imaginary figure skater. Radio DJ.. I always come back to this because I need to REMEMBER. We all do.

When we are spinning out in life.. Trace your way back to your little self – the being who did whatever gave them JOY. Would your kid self waste time with things they didn’t want to do? Naw. And I’m not talking about quitting your job! Running into the hills! Never paying bills! I’m talking about.. Connecting to your true self, which I think is so pure when you’re a child. Connect to that self, and dream boldly the way you used to. Do what you can, where you are – the way you did when you were a child. A blanket becomes a fort. Your living room becomes the woods. A pile of pillows is the ocean to dive into. Need palm trees for the beach? Draw them, cut them out, and stick them up on the wall. Not good enough? We didn’t even have a second to consider it..

It sounds so rudimentary but with our world constantly beating us up and dumbing us down and distracting usΒ – we FORGET! Ah, God, always – we forget. We clutter ourselves with CONDITIONS, CIRCUMSTANCES, dare I say EXCUSES! But you know what?

It’s okay.

Because just like you changed from a mermaid into a unicorn with the flick of a wrist when you were a kid – you can change your circumstance. The slightest, tiniestΒ efforts – they matter.

Some days – they just suck. You know it. I know it. But infuse your life with that little kid magic.. You haven’t lost it. Even if you have to search down deep in the darkestΒ caverns of your mind..

Your inner child is waiting with a lantern.. and the promise of ADVENTURE.

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GO!

XO

a.