wishes – audrey di mola : wilds of the deep heart

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can there be any possibility of completely understanding who we are and why we’re here or where we are going? […] you have to keep on asking. -kunitz

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! <3 (leo grrlz throw ya paws up!! ;))

thank you all for helping make it a crazy-beautiful and incredibly memorable trip around the sun..

for all the words, the enthusiasm, shows attended, inspiration shared, hugs exchanged, hearts touched, collaborations made, opportunities presented, magic conjured, and LOVE given freely.. thank you, thank you, thank you.

for this one life, this voyage of mine that sometimes veers into the wildest of waters- i am so grateful.

i realized the other day that the gorgeous moments of life are a lot of like bright islands in a shadowy sea.

each moment stands like an island circling light like a beacon in the darkness- it can’t be compared to anything else, it just is. even lost in the wild sea, know that- a few more breaths, strokes- the light will fill you, find you again. be witness to what it is you feel. the grace in almost drowning and finding another island. life is like that. light-filled islands in the dark, wild sea. shifting, eroding, flooding, so you can’t quite stay, but god.. so beautiful while you do.

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my birthday wish is to remain cognizant of how lucky i am, every. single. day.

i want to share 29 pieces of wisdom with you that have been helping me through the wilderness of this particularly heart-cracking summer.

with fire-filled thanks for my twenty-ninth year..

out of darkness lion heart pumping,

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29 for 29 / how to make it through the wilderness:

1. don’t forget that this too is part of the magic you have to offer the world. this pain we go through. our wilderness years. –nick calder

2. in other words, fear doesn’t go away. the warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew everyday. –the war of art

3. discontent, restlessness, doubt, despair, longing […] instead of facing them, one runs away; one escapes- into depressions, nervous breakdowns, drink, love affairs, or frantic, thoughtless, fruitless overwork. anything, rather than face them. anything, rather than stand still and learn from them. one tries to cure the signs of growth, to exorcise them, as if they were devils, when they really might be angels of annunciation. –gift from the sea

4. we insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity- in freedom. –gift from the sea

5. maybe that’s why i have a fragile heart. you can’t accept everything, or you become a monster. –the golden legend (film)

6. the kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. they have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually. –when things fall apart

7. you don’t have to have a college degree to serve. you don’t have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. you don’t have to know about plato and aristotle to serve. you don’t have to know einstein’s theory of relativity to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love. and you can be that servant. –MLK

8. being preoccupied with our self-image is like being deaf and blind. it’s like standing in the middle of a vast field of wildflowers with a black hood over our heads. –when things fall apart

9. if you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin. –women who run with the wolves

10. there must be a little, and in many cases, a good deal of blood spilled on every story, on every aspect of your own life […] if a person is to carry a true medicine. –women who run with the wolves

11. listen to the birds always. –shane hobel, mountain scout survival

12. and though of magnificence and splendour, your house shall not hold your secret nor shelter your longing. for that which is boundless in you abides in the mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning mist, and whose windows are the songs and the silences of night. –the prophet

13. do it with all your heart and then don’t care when it breaks. –eduardo, on the metro

14. I placed one foot on the wide plain
of death, and some grand immensity
sounded on the emptiness.

I have felt nothing ever
like the wild wonder of that moment. –rumi

15. for horror not to repeat itself endlessly we have to understand its makeup, be willing to look at it, get close to it, at the same time not burn up with it. what we avoid corrupts and deforms us- we are always twisting away from it. and it shows in our writing, in the way we sit and walk. –the true art of writing

16. it is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. it is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. when one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. if one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. […] only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others, i am beginning to discover… –gift from the sea

17. only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. –when things fall apart

18. ask not of things to shed their veils. unveil yourselves, and things will be unveiled. nor ask of things to break their seals. unseal ourselves, and all will be unsealed. […] if, then, your world be such a baffling riddle, it is because you are that baffling riddle. and if your speech be such a woeful maze, it is because you are that woeful maze. –the book of mirdad

19. if there’s a god or any kind of justice under the sky
if there’s a point, if there’s a reason to live or die
if there’s an answer to the questions we feel bad to ask
show yourself, destroy your fears, release your mask… –QUEEN [listen]

20. ’i’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart.
‘yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart.
‘but you have never been beyond it.’ –coelho

21. i am always being overwhelmed, i require it to sustain life. –everett ruess

22. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR MY EGO TO DIE! –nahko [listen]

23. what the hibernating winter in their blood/ needs to become- some dreaming scene/ of humans lumbering away, walking/ on their tongues and tasting/ the truth of the earth. –hochman

24. how sublime is the silence of nature’s ever-active energies! there is something in the very name of wilderness, which charms the ear, and soothes the spirit of man. there is religion in it. -wilderness & the american mind

25. TODAY, TODAY LIVE LIKE YOU WANNA
LET YESTERDAY BURN & THROW IT IN A FIRE
IN A FIRE, IN A FIRE
LIVE LIKE A WARRIOR –matisyahu [listen]

26. But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us- to know
Whence our lives come and where they go. -m.arnold

27. We want so much,
When perhaps we live best
In the spaces between loves,

That unconscious roving,
The heart its own rough animal.
Unfettered. -tracy k. smith

28. an animal flowers in the elements. it grows wings. –humanimal

29. the solution for me, surely, is neither in total renunciation of the world, nor in total acceptance of it. i must find a balance somewhere, or an alternating rhythm between these two extremes; a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return. –gift from the sea

& one for luck**

when you look back on a lifetime and think of what has been given to the world by your presence, your fugitive presence, inevitably you think of your art, whatever it may be, as the gift you have made to the world in acknowledgment of the gift you have been given, which is the life itself. and i think the world tends to forget that this is the ultimate significance of the body of work each artist produces. that work is not an expression of the desire for praise or recognition, or prizes, but the deepest manifestation of your gratitude for the gift of life. –kunitz

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lose your self-consciousness
gain your self-awareness
back.

be the light on the underside
of leaf
move like the forest teaches
you to move

the goal for you is to overcome
restriction

it is up to you to be a human
translation of the wild

be the wolf they can see in the
shine of your iris in sunlight

help them remember how. –notes from my treehouse

There is so much I want to say about TRAVERSALS, the launch, new adventures and struggles and challenges, but first.. This.

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Remember the way it was when you were a kid.

I like this concept of the personal essay. I don’t like that my computer is forcing me to use upper-case I’s. But I digress.

I can’t stop dipping back into the past. But with recent readings I feel better about my constant sense of longing. I am at odds.. I am the ennui-obsessed artist constantly stretching fingertips towards the sky. However I also have been so lucky to learn about Eastern philosophies and all of those New Age-y teachings that have thankfully become so much more prevalent now.. BE GRATEFUL. For what you have. Inherently does that mean – don’t REACH?

I feel bad for reaching. Guilt. Something I always tangle with.. How can I be the fully present, open-eyed, grateful yogini while also grappling with the sense of ennui that makes me create? (And get into trouble…) I think I need to accept – they are both part of me. There is no grand transformation that is one day going to occur to make me think and feel the way I’m “supposed to” to live a better, fuller life.

I am a wildchild. That means many things.. That means embracing all parts of myself – the stillness of the forest, the tumble of the river, the CRASH of a waterfall.

I am everything.

oliver

And this is why I cannot stop reaching towards the past. Although I was not exempt from anxieties, fears of mortality, insomnia, boredom, etc etc etc – there was something different. Something us “grown-ups” are always trying to get back.

When you were little – when you wanted to do something, you did it. Even though you had no money of your own and little means besides imagination, household objects, and whatever your parents or loved ones gave you.. I remember. Without training or schooling or funds or qualifications – you just were.

If you wanted to be a photographer, you took pictures. If you wanted to be a dancer, you danced. An acrobat, a writer, a choreographer, a teacher, an explorer, a singer.. There was no knee-jerk reaction to stop yourself and say, waitwaitwait – I can’t be THAT because I am THIS. Or I don’t have enough money, time, resources, influence, on and on. And my personal favorite – who am I to think I can be X, Y, or Z? Who the hell do I think I AM?

Why, would you look at that. Who the hell do I think I am? Whatever I want to be.

I feel like the actions we took when we were little are a wonderful compass to follow when it comes to direction for the rest of our lives – because we truly did what we wanted to, without worrying about what anyone else would think. At least I did.

I was Renaissance woman before I even truly knew what the Renaissance was. I was a singer, poet, playwright, director & stage manager, athlete, obstacle course organizer, amusement park builder, adventure leader, teacher, circus coach. Imaginary figure skater. Radio DJ.. I always come back to this because I need to REMEMBER. We all do.

When we are spinning out in life.. Trace your way back to your little self – the being who did whatever gave them JOY. Would your kid self waste time with things they didn’t want to do? Naw. And I’m not talking about quitting your job! Running into the hills! Never paying bills! I’m talking about.. Connecting to your true self, which I think is so pure when you’re a child. Connect to that self, and dream boldly the way you used to. Do what you can, where you are – the way you did when you were a child. A blanket becomes a fort. Your living room becomes the woods. A pile of pillows is the ocean to dive into. Need palm trees for the beach? Draw them, cut them out, and stick them up on the wall. Not good enough? We didn’t even have a second to consider it..

It sounds so rudimentary but with our world constantly beating us up and dumbing us down and distracting us – we FORGET! Ah, God, always – we forget. We clutter ourselves with CONDITIONS, CIRCUMSTANCES, dare I say EXCUSES! But you know what?

It’s okay.

Because just like you changed from a mermaid into a unicorn with the flick of a wrist when you were a kid – you can change your circumstance. The slightest, tiniest efforts – they matter.

Some days – they just suck. You know it. I know it. But infuse your life with that little kid magic.. You haven’t lost it. Even if you have to search down deep in the darkest caverns of your mind..

Your inner child is waiting with a lantern.. and the promise of ADVENTURE.

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