Discovery – audrey di mola – folkloric futurism

Discovery: it’s whatever you want it to be.

There is so much I want to say about TRAVERSALS, the launch, new adventures and struggles and challenges, but first.. This.

heartwall

Remember the way it was when you were a kid.

I like this concept of the personal essay. I don’t like that my computer is forcing me to use upper-case I’s. But I digress.

I can’t stop dipping back into the past. But with recent readings I feel better about my constant sense of longing. I am at odds.. I am the ennui-obsessed artist constantly stretching fingertips towards the sky. However I also have been so lucky to learn about Eastern philosophies and all of those New Age-y teachings that have thankfully become so much more prevalent now.. BE GRATEFUL. For what you have. Inherently does that mean – don’t REACH?

I feel bad for reaching. Guilt. Something I always tangle with.. How can I be the fully present, open-eyed, grateful yogini while also grappling with the sense of ennui that makes me create? (And get into trouble…) I think I need to accept – they are both part of me. There is no grand transformation that is one day going to occur to make me think and feel the way I’m “supposed to” to live a better, fuller life.

I am a wildchild. That means many things.. That means embracing all parts of myself – the stillness of the forest, the tumble of the river, the CRASH of a waterfall.

I am everything.

oliver

And this is why I cannot stop reaching towards the past. Although I was not exempt from anxieties, fears of mortality, insomnia, boredom, etc etc etc – there was something different. Something us “grown-ups” are always trying to get back.

When you were little – when you wanted to do something, you did it. Even though you had no money of your own and little means besides imagination, household objects, and whatever your parents or loved ones gave you.. I remember. Without training or schooling or funds or qualifications – you just were.

If you wanted to be a photographer, you took pictures. If you wanted to be a dancer, you danced. An acrobat, a writer, a choreographer, a teacher, an explorer, a singer.. There was no knee-jerk reaction to stop yourself and say, waitwaitwait – I can’t be THAT because I am THIS. Or I don’t have enough money, time, resources, influence, on and on. And my personal favorite – who am I to think I can be X, Y, or Z? Who the hell do I think I AM?

Why, would you look at that. Who the hell do I think I am? Whatever I want to be.

I feel like the actions we took when we were little are a wonderful compass to follow when it comes to direction for the rest of our lives – because we truly did what we wanted to, without worrying about what anyone else would think. At least I did.

I was Renaissance woman before I even truly knew what the Renaissance was. I was a singer, poet, playwright, director & stage manager, athlete, obstacle course organizer, amusement park builder, adventure leader, teacher, circus coach. Imaginary figure skater. Radio DJ.. I always come back to this because I need to REMEMBER. We all do.

When we are spinning out in life.. Trace your way back to your little self – the being who did whatever gave them JOY. Would your kid self waste time with things they didn’t want to do? Naw. And I’m not talking about quitting your job! Running into the hills! Never paying bills! I’m talking about.. Connecting to your true self, which I think is so pure when you’re a child. Connect to that self, and dream boldly the way you used to. Do what you can, where you are – the way you did when you were a child. A blanket becomes a fort. Your living room becomes the woods. A pile of pillows is the ocean to dive into. Need palm trees for the beach? Draw them, cut them out, and stick them up on the wall. Not good enough? We didn’t even have a second to consider it..

It sounds so rudimentary but with our world constantly beating us up and dumbing us down and distracting us – we FORGET! Ah, God, always – we forget. We clutter ourselves with CONDITIONS, CIRCUMSTANCES, dare I say EXCUSES! But you know what?

It’s okay.

Because just like you changed from a mermaid into a unicorn with the flick of a wrist when you were a kid – you can change your circumstance. The slightest, tiniest efforts – they matter.

Some days – they just suck. You know it. I know it. But infuse your life with that little kid magic.. You haven’t lost it. Even if you have to search down deep in the darkest caverns of your mind..

Your inner child is waiting with a lantern.. and the promise of ADVENTURE.

light

GO!

Discovery: Space.

Giving yourself SPACE.

S P A C E.

Today’s lunchtime meditation at Three Jewels in NYC reminded me.

Laying on the floor, focusing on the breath, for half an hour. In my work clothes, no less.

Not asking anything of yourself but to EXIST. And experience the marvel of your existence.. But just laying. And breathing. Not judging. Coming back and back and back.. To the breath.

Taking a hit off your natural energy.. I haven’t felt this in so long. My mind has been absolutely RUTHLESS lately. I am feeling the effects of all my aforementioned issues in addition to distraction and internet addiction.

But that’s not what this is about.

This is about a dedication to myself and to BEING. Just – being.

And that meditation made me realize that it is still – and always will be – POSSIBLE. To float out of yourself, your body, your constrictions, restrictions, obligations, obsessions, fixations, crippling fears, and exhaustion.

Just float. Away.

This is my journey. Back to the jewel in the center of the lotus.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

now the day has dawned and the lamp that lit my dark corner is out. a summons has come and i am ready for my journey.
– w.b. yeats’ intro to rabindranath tagore’s gitanjali

ALSO: THIS.

Ladies & gents, meet “TRAVERSALS.”

OFFICIAL RELEASE (online/select retailers) 11/3/14

BOOK LAUNCH & PERFORMANCE PARTY in ASTORIA, QUEENS 11/13/14

Preorders & more info on the book & launch can be found here

!!!

Discovery: onward in the dark

Last weekend and this week have been difficult – for subversive reasons.. But I am realizing yet again how important it is to recognize that although we make grand, sweeping gestures about the “REST OF OUR LIVES!” and get enthusiastic about “FINALLY FIGURING IT OUT!” it doesn’t mean it sticks forever.. But that’s totally and absolutely okay.

My anxieties crept in – even worse than they have in awhile. Same with the fixation, the guilt. And the fear that I have, over and over again – that “this feeling” will never go away.. So subtle – how it changes your perspective of everything.. As you think, so shall you be. Fear the world? Yes, that world shall be fearsome. Open yourself to the world? And it will follow suit.

It has been so hard.. I have been so hard on myself. But it makes the rise that much sweeter. And I realized:

This is the place I create from. The place that knows the feeling of pain and dually comforts the world and myself. I would not be able to do otherwise. It is inherent in the art – the authenticity of the anguish or triumph. Not one without the other. One day this week I saw a poetry graffiti piece I forgot I did – I wouldn’t have seen it if I hadn’t missed my stop on the bus. “& though you find yourself grounded, trust that you will fly again.”

We are falling into place to heal ourselves, to heal others – even when we don’t realize it.. The universe will present the signs to you if you keep walking.

As always and forever and ever.. This is the pattern. The push and tug. The ebb and flow. The natural order.. We cannot create, we cannot relate, we cannot truly live – if we do not keep moving onward through the dark.

ONLY BECAUSE WE SUFFER CAN WE LEARN HOW TO BE STRONG.

I realize this is my calling. In the dark I reach for the pen. The chalk. The words. I write these messages because I need them, too.. Not because I am always operating from a place of perfect peace and security. I am afraid. I am crippled by fears. I am lost. I am fighting against the dark.. But doing this makes me feel better. And every time someone tells me that it helped them, too – that they needed to see it, that I played some small part in letting a message from the universe be delivered.. The circle is unbroken. Gratitude. Because without the pain, the words would not exist.

And so:

I shall go on marching,/ opening broad roads against the shadow, making/ the earth smooth, spreading/ the star for those who come. -Neruda

Infinitely,

PS: You can find more images like the ones above on my Instagram @audreyleopard :)

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]

PPS: I would be absolutely remiss not to mention that today is the birthday of my greatest hero.. MR. FREDDIE MERCURY. The man who taught me so much about what I know of bravery, of creativity, of living your destiny, living beyond boundaries, making your legend REAL. Since I was forged as a true Queen fan at 12 years old – there are no words to describe what this man has helped me to realize, what he has taught me, the heights of emotion he has pulled from me.. Pure and complete adoration, forever and ever. Cheers, my darling – my fire will always be linked to yours, my heart bursting with color because yours showed me how.. THANK YOU. FOR YOU. XXXOOO

Discovery: wordless

A photo my boyfriend took in Hawaii.. :)

Strangely, as a writer.. I am always after the wordless.

Especially after chasing words and meaning your whole life – expressing it in poetry, in prose, in speech, on paper, with a pen, with computer keys – tangible.. There is something so interesting in taking it OFF the page. In making it move.

In going forward in my work I am so excited about playing more with this.. This spirit of freedom, of movement, of cross-genre collaboration – of how the arts inform each other and each express something the other can’t. They fill in the cracks. Inspire the other to break open a little more. Breathe a little more. STRETCH a little more..

I am reminded of this every time I move away from pen and page, from computer keys and screen – my time at The Yoga Room brought this to my field of vision and since then I have never been the same. One of my favorite yoga teachers (who is also an amazing friend) paraphrased Martha Graham and said – the body in motion reveals all. I came back to the mat to practice yesterday and felt it immediately. After weeks and weeks of not doing an actual yoga class – I slipped back into this realm. This LANGUAGE. That doesn’t require any planning or pretense or anything besides – showing up.

So much of life is like that, I realize.

‘Daring Greatly’ is inspiring me again this morning. The author has an amazing vulnerability prayer: Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen. SHOWING UP. LETTING YOURSELF be seen.. The incredible experience of being involved in the local literary community has taught me this, and hosting/performing at Inspired Word especially, every couple weeks.. Having the ability to see performers at work, being vulnerable, letting themselves be seen, trying new things, freely collaborating, being open – it has a direct effect on me. I recommend it to EVERYONE – to put yourself in situations surrounded by open-hearted, brave, creative people.. Even if you yourself are terrified, or don’t want to perform – there is so much to be said – as I always discuss with my lovely friend and fellow poet Valerie Keane – for just showing up. Being there. EXPERIENCING..

Back to the wordless: REMEMBER that this exists. That there is a whole other realm for you to tap into, especially if you are usually creating in a medium that “doesn’t work that way.” Inspire yourself to step out of the box we always find ourselves in.. Most of the time, we make the box ourselves. WHY do we have to do it this way? WHY can’t we do it differently from everyone else? WHY can’t we change the course of our own history? Be inspired by the work around you and in your surrounding culture, whether mainstream or local – be inspired, but not dictated by it. All it takes is ONE person to do it differently. It always works this way.. Who says we need to stay in the usual forms, and follow suit?

Ntozake Shange has an incredible book that pushes the boundaries called ‘Lost in Language & Sound’ that has been inspiring me so much. Even the way her words look on the page, even the way she spells things – are so different. Her ideas of the “choreopoem” fall in line with things I started to experiment with – the meeting of words and dance is pure POETRY to me.. She writes: & yes/ in order to think n communicate the thoughts n feelings i want to think n communicate/ i haveta fix my tool to my needs/ i have to take it apart to the bone/ so that the malignancies/ fall away/ leaving us space to literally create our own image.

This is exactly how it felt for me to work on “MIRRORS” with my beautiful friend Kym Nolden, who choreographed this piece for debut at my WORLD OF WORDS: QUEENS show at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center this past April. The whole process was an exercise in vulnerability and trusting.. Being so inspired and humbled and shaken up by the openness of the dancers, the craft of dance itself, the hugeness of the show, the fact that I hadn’t even written “MIRRORS” when we started, hadn’t performed with memorization in many moons, never worked with dancers before, and was struck with emotion every time I performed because the subject of the piece was still raw in my heart and mind..

I remember – in the midst of a solid block of other shows and curating craziness, putting together the show, my own jobs and life happenings, exhaustion, stress, nerves, on and on and on.. Finally getting the piece down in my apartment, practicing it over and over, THEN going to the theatre at LaGuardia, performing it with the dancers for the first time – and absolutely falling apart. I couldn’t remember the words or the cues. Here I was – the curator of the show, the author of the piece – the dancers had their choreography down and were so patient and beautiful and open.. And I was screwing it up! Oh, ego. So much I learned.. I had to get out of my own way. I pushed the ego out. I tried hard to let it go. And I went back the next day, a day or so before the show, and stayed in that theatre by myself for a few hours, running it and running it onstage, all alone in front of 300 empty seats. TRUSTING.. In the beauty of the vulnerability. Of the rawness. Of the uncertainty..

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. -Madeleine L’Engle

And at the show – this is what happened. The piece I am most proud of. The style that – god willing – you will see more of. Thank you endlessly to Handan at LaGuardia for giving me space for the show, and to Kym, Jacob, and Sarah for creating this unforgettable experience with me. My heart is eternally bursting with gratitude for your beautiful energies bringing these words to life..

More to come.

Infinitely,

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]

Discovery: intro

“The colossal vitality of his illusion” – this phrase has always stood out to me in my favorite book since 8th grade, ‘The Great Gatsby.’ It’s becoming more and more clear to me – the colossal vitality of OUR illusion. I feel very lucky each time I’m led to a quote or book or piece of literature/music/art/LIFE that triggers that all-important A-HA! moment that helps to clean my metaphorical lens of this illusion.. And I want to share them with you.

Hence: DISCOVERY.

An effort to post more, reflect more, learn more, retain more.

I just started a new job which is strangely forcing – er, emphatically nudging me – to face a host of my fears. I just turned twenty-eight and the past year has been incredible, beautiful, insane, stressful, painful, amazing. And I’m realizing – as the author of this fantastic book, ‘Daring Greatly,’ realized – that so much of it comes down to VULNERABILITY. WORTHINESS. And this culture of SCARCITY – this culture of NEVER ENOUGH.

I didn’t even realize it.. How pervasive it all is. Now all of us in this rapidly paced, overly connected yet staggeringly disconnected social media/instantly updated/strangely voyeuristic society are constantly putting up boundaries and appearances, even when we don’t realize it. Should I share with people the fact that I get overwhelmed even though I’m an organizer and curator? That even though I’m a poet I deal with vulnerability or expression issues? That I’m a positive, emotional, love-filled person but am near-constantly living with familial guilt and separation anxiety? Anxiety in general? Fears of taking trains and elevators? Habits of manipulating my life, lifestyle, and opportunities due to FEAR? What about my… REPUTATION?!?!? What about how people see me? What about how I want to be seen, who I want to be, who I know I AM? How does it all get so MUDDLED?

There are so many causes we need to take the time to uncover with kindness, grace, and intelligence. ‘Daring Greatly’ illustrated this to me in such a crystal clear way this morning.. HOW can we heal? HOW can we open up? HOW can we appreciate the NOW? HOW can we ever embrace ourselves and THIS moment if we are constantly feeling we are not enough? It’s why we feel like we can never get ahead, aren’t ready, are inadequate in comparison with our peers, our sense of self, pop culture, where society says we should “be” at any given moment.. Author Brené Brown quotes a passage from Lynne Twist:

For me, and for many of us, our first waking though of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something…

The “REVERIE OF LACK.”

ILLUSION! That’s what it is! We are writing this script – all the while not realizing WE’RE pressing the keys or holding the pen.. Brown herself says: Scarcity doesn’t take hold in a culture overnight. But the feeling of scarcity does thrive in shame-prone cultures that are deeply steeped in comparison and fractured by disengagement. […] The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

This, for me, is huge. We are constantly trying to kill the sound in our heads. Muffle it. Medicate it. Ignore it. Sweat it out. Burn it up. But we have to look deeper into the root sometimes. And this to me was so illuminating..

Thus begins this phase. DISCOVERY!

Onward,

UPCOMING:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]