daring greatly – audrey di mola

A photo my boyfriend took in Hawaii.. :)

Strangely, as a writer.. I am always after the wordless.

Especially after chasing words and meaning your whole life – expressing it in poetry, in prose, in speech, on paper, with a pen, with computer keys – tangible.. There is something so interesting in taking it OFF the page. In making it move.

In going forward in my work I am so excited about playing more with this.. This spirit of freedom, of movement, of cross-genre collaboration – of how the arts inform each other and each express something the other can’t. They fill in the cracks. Inspire the other to break open a little more. Breathe a little more. STRETCH a little more..

I am reminded of this every time I move away from pen and page, from computer keys and screen – my time at The Yoga Room brought this to my field of vision and since then I have never been the same. One of my favorite yoga teachers (who is also an amazing friend) paraphrased Martha Graham and said – the body in motion reveals all. I came back to the mat to practice yesterday and felt it immediately. After weeks and weeks of not doing an actual yoga class – I slipped back into this realm. This LANGUAGE. That doesn’t require any planning or pretense or anything besides – showing up.

So much of life is like that, I realize.

‘Daring Greatly’ is inspiring me again this morning. The author has an amazing vulnerability prayer: Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen. SHOWING UP. LETTING YOURSELF be seen.. The incredible experience of being involved in the local literary community has taught me this, and hosting/performing at Inspired Word especially, every couple weeks.. Having the ability to see performers at work, being vulnerable, letting themselves be seen, trying new things, freely collaborating, being open – it has a direct effect on me. I recommend it to EVERYONE – to put yourself in situations surrounded by open-hearted, brave, creative people.. Even if you yourself are terrified, or don’t want to perform – there is so much to be said – as I always discuss with my lovely friend and fellow poet Valerie Keane – for just showing up. Being there. EXPERIENCING..

Back to the wordless: REMEMBER that this exists. That there is a whole other realm for you to tap into, especially if you are usually creating in a medium that “doesn’t work that way.” Inspire yourself to step out of the box we always find ourselves in.. Most of the time, we make the box ourselves. WHY do we have to do it this way? WHY can’t we do it differently from everyone else? WHY can’t we change the course of our own history? Be inspired by the work around you and in your surrounding culture, whether mainstream or local – be inspired, but not dictated by it. All it takes is ONE person to do it differently. It always works this way.. Who says we need to stay in the usual forms, and follow suit?

Ntozake Shange has an incredible book that pushes the boundaries called ‘Lost in Language & Sound’ that has been inspiring me so much. Even the way her words look on the page, even the way she spells things – are so different. Her ideas of the “choreopoem” fall in line with things I started to experiment with – the meeting of words and dance is pure POETRY to me.. She writes: & yes/ in order to think n communicate the thoughts n feelings i want to think n communicate/ i haveta fix my tool to my needs/ i have to take it apart to the bone/ so that the malignancies/ fall away/ leaving us space to literally create our own image.

This is exactly how it felt for me to work on “MIRRORS” with my beautiful friend Kym Nolden, who choreographed this piece for debut at my WORLD OF WORDS: QUEENS show at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center this past April. The whole process was an exercise in vulnerability and trusting.. Being so inspired and humbled and shaken up by the openness of the dancers, the craft of dance itself, the hugeness of the show, the fact that I hadn’t even written “MIRRORS” when we started, hadn’t performed with memorization in many moons, never worked with dancers before, and was struck with emotion every time I performed because the subject of the piece was still raw in my heart and mind..

I remember – in the midst of a solid block of other shows and curating craziness, putting together the show, my own jobs and life happenings, exhaustion, stress, nerves, on and on and on.. Finally getting the piece down in my apartment, practicing it over and over, THEN going to the theatre at LaGuardia, performing it with the dancers for the first time – and absolutely falling apart. I couldn’t remember the words or the cues. Here I was – the curator of the show, the author of the piece – the dancers had their choreography down and were so patient and beautiful and open.. And I was screwing it up! Oh, ego. So much I learned.. I had to get out of my own way. I pushed the ego out. I tried hard to let it go. And I went back the next day, a day or so before the show, and stayed in that theatre by myself for a few hours, running it and running it onstage, all alone in front of 300 empty seats. TRUSTING.. In the beauty of the vulnerability. Of the rawness. Of the uncertainty..

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. -Madeleine L’Engle

And at the show – this is what happened. The piece I am most proud of. The style that – god willing – you will see more of. Thank you endlessly to Handan at LaGuardia for giving me space for the show, and to Kym, Jacob, and Sarah for creating this unforgettable experience with me. My heart is eternally bursting with gratitude for your beautiful energies bringing these words to life..

More to come.

Infinitely,

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]

“The colossal vitality of his illusion” – this phrase has always stood out to me in my favorite book since 8th grade, ‘The Great Gatsby.’ It’s becoming more and more clear to me – the colossal vitality of OUR illusion. I feel very lucky each time I’m led to a quote or book or piece of literature/music/art/LIFE that triggers that all-important A-HA! moment that helps to clean my metaphorical lens of this illusion.. And I want to share them with you.

Hence: DISCOVERY.

An effort to post more, reflect more, learn more, retain more.

I just started a new job which is strangely forcing – er, emphatically nudging me – to face a host of my fears. I just turned twenty-eight and the past year has been incredible, beautiful, insane, stressful, painful, amazing. And I’m realizing – as the author of this fantastic book, ‘Daring Greatly,’ realized – that so much of it comes down to VULNERABILITY. WORTHINESS. And this culture of SCARCITY – this culture of NEVER ENOUGH.

I didn’t even realize it.. How pervasive it all is. Now all of us in this rapidly paced, overly connected yet staggeringly disconnected social media/instantly updated/strangely voyeuristic society are constantly putting up boundaries and appearances, even when we don’t realize it. Should I share with people the fact that I get overwhelmed even though I’m an organizer and curator? That even though I’m a poet I deal with vulnerability or expression issues? That I’m a positive, emotional, love-filled person but am near-constantly living with familial guilt and separation anxiety? Anxiety in general? Fears of taking trains and elevators? Habits of manipulating my life, lifestyle, and opportunities due to FEAR? What about my… REPUTATION?!?!? What about how people see me? What about how I want to be seen, who I want to be, who I know I AM? How does it all get so MUDDLED?

There are so many causes we need to take the time to uncover with kindness, grace, and intelligence. ‘Daring Greatly’ illustrated this to me in such a crystal clear way this morning.. HOW can we heal? HOW can we open up? HOW can we appreciate the NOW? HOW can we ever embrace ourselves and THIS moment if we are constantly feeling we are not enough? It’s why we feel like we can never get ahead, aren’t ready, are inadequate in comparison with our peers, our sense of self, pop culture, where society says we should “be” at any given moment.. Author Brené Brown quotes a passage from Lynne Twist:

For me, and for many of us, our first waking though of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something…

The “REVERIE OF LACK.”

ILLUSION! That’s what it is! We are writing this script – all the while not realizing WE’RE pressing the keys or holding the pen.. Brown herself says: Scarcity doesn’t take hold in a culture overnight. But the feeling of scarcity does thrive in shame-prone cultures that are deeply steeped in comparison and fractured by disengagement. […] The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

This, for me, is huge. We are constantly trying to kill the sound in our heads. Muffle it. Medicate it. Ignore it. Sweat it out. Burn it up. But we have to look deeper into the root sometimes. And this to me was so illuminating..

Thus begins this phase. DISCOVERY!

Onward,

UPCOMING:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]