Last weekend and this week have been difficult – for subversive reasons.. But I am realizing yet again how important it is to recognize that although we make grand, sweeping gestures about the “REST OF OUR LIVES!” and get enthusiastic about “FINALLY FIGURING IT OUT!” it doesn’t mean it sticks forever.. But that’s totally and absolutely okay.
My anxieties crept in – even worse than they have in awhile. Same with the fixation, the guilt. And the fear that I have, over and over again – that “this feeling” will never go away.. So subtle – how it changes your perspective of everything.. As you think, so shall you be. Fear the world? Yes, that world shall be fearsome. Open yourself to the world? And it will follow suit.
It has been so hard.. I have been so hard on myself. But it makes the rise that much sweeter. And I realized:
This is the place I create from. The place that knows the feeling of pain and dually comforts the world and myself. I would not be able to do otherwise. It is inherent in the art – the authenticity of the anguish or triumph. Not one without the other. One day this week I saw a poetry graffiti piece I forgot I did – I wouldn’t have seen it if I hadn’t missed my stop on the bus. “& though you find yourself grounded, trust that you will fly again.”
We are falling into place to heal ourselves, to heal others – even when we don’t realize it.. The universe will present the signs to you if you keep walking.
As always and forever and ever.. This is the pattern. The push and tug. The ebb and flow. The natural order.. We cannot create, we cannot relate, we cannot truly live – if we do not keep moving onward through the dark.
ONLY BECAUSE WE SUFFER CAN WE LEARN HOW TO BE STRONG.
I realize this is my calling. In the dark I reach for the pen. The chalk. The words. I write these messages because I need them, too.. Not because I am always operating from a place of perfect peace and security. I am afraid. I am crippled by fears. I am lost. I am fighting against the dark.. But doing this makes me feel better. And every time someone tells me that it helped them, too – that they needed to see it, that I played some small part in letting a message from the universe be delivered.. The circle is unbroken. Gratitude. Because without the pain, the words would not exist.
I shall go on marching,/ opening broad roads against the shadow, making/ the earth smooth, spreading/ the star for those who come. -Neruda
PS: You can find more images like the ones above on my Instagram @audreyleopard :)
PPS: I would be absolutely remiss not to mention that today is the birthday of my greatest hero.. MR. FREDDIE MERCURY. The man who taught me so much about what I know of bravery, of creativity, of living your destiny, living beyond boundaries, making your legend REAL. Since I was forged as a true Queen fan at 12 years old – there are no words to describe what this man has helped me to realize, what he has taught me, the heights of emotion he has pulled from me.. Pure and complete adoration, forever and ever. Cheers, my darling – my fire will always be linked to yours, my heart bursting with color because yours showed me how.. THANK YOU. FOR YOU. XXXOOO