Category: Update

Today (well – yesterday, now) was a new beginning for so many things, and a welcome honoring of where I’ve been. The journey, the journey. Oh, the journey.. Happy Lucky Friday the 13th.

So much wisdom has been popping up everywhere. If we take the time to see the signs..

Amazing articles in the latest Creations Magazine:

“The lesson to be learned here is that when your redefining moments pop up, be prepared to go where you had no plans on going – because that is where your bliss awaits you.” –Dennis Merritt Jones

“Desire directs energy, and when you are clear about your desires, you are more precise in your creative aim. When you know what you want, you can have better boundaries around how you spend your time. […] There is power in practice.” –Tami Lynn Kent

“Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we are shadows and the light, we are our left-brains and our right. We are the summation of all things and we bring our best into the world when we simultaneously toggle back and forth between it all.” – David M. Howitt

“Recall your childhood: groups of young children playing together, exploring, curious about everything, giggling in wide-eyed wonderment. Compare that picture to a group of typical adults commuting in cars or trains or buses or subways: dull faces gazing unseeingly straight ahead, emotionless. What have they lost? When did they lose it? And can they get it back? Remember that one day, you will be sitting on that proverbial rocking chair on some front porch or veranda, maybe overlooking the ocean, and a stranger will sit down beside you and politely ask: ‘So, what did you do with your life?’ What will you say? The stakes are high. The price of unhappiness is steep. And life is short.” – Henry S. Miller

And a wonderful newsletter email from my talented friend Josh Rivedal, from his BLOGospel According to Josh (my story will be appearing in his Good News Project book soon, too!) with a perfectly apt subject line: WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE. “You may not be as ‘safe’ walking this tightrope toward the change you desire… but you certainly are free (not ‘freer’ but simply ‘free’). Your efforts as a change agent for self, will be regarded and duly noted by others – and will allow them the audacity and courage to become a change agent for their own self. […] Choose yourself. Nothing is impossible. Slip that little apostrophe in and add a little space: I’m Possible. Damn it, it’s the truth.” 

Everything is a sign, a sign. And the smallest movement MATTERS. My sweet partner illustrated this to me so patiently and beautifully.. Here’s some words of my own from last night/this morning:

if you can’t move, let the breath move..

if you can’t be the ship, be the oar.
if you can’t be the oar, be the compass.
if you can’t be the compass, be the slightest stirring
in the voyager’s heart that told him –
i will not waste this day like all the others.
if you can’t be the voyager, be the faintest flickering
of the arrow magnetized towards whatever is greater –
whatever you can see in that last moment,
with your eyes widened and the water in your lungs –
that suddenly makes you forget how to drown.

the smallest movement matters.
one shift toward home is precious,
even if you’re dragging yourself there –
hand over hand, finger over finger,
chipped and bloody – stunned senseless
from the sheer force of your forgetting.
don’t you remember? – reading, writing:
“there is a light that never goes out.”
there is a piece of you that cannot forget
the first bloom of god on man’s tongue
acknowledging himself, too, as infinite.
be courageous in your darkness.
the beginning of becoming took shape
with one pure cry to heaven,
inconsolable..

open your mouth and you
will find the words. -ajd

There is always light splitting through the cracks in the darkness. And I give thanks.. So much thanks.

One foot in front of the other,

XXOO

a.

UPCOMING EVENTS:

– Hosting the last Boundless Tales reading of the season 6/19/14 [Facebook]

– Canvas of Words Open Mic Series KICKS OFF! 6/20/14 [Facebook]

– Performing & curating for the Queens Council on the Arts Block Party at Kaufman Arts District 6/21/14 [Website]

– Hosting the new Reading Series at Atlas Park (hopefully on the terrace!) 6/26/14 [Facebook]

– Hosting Mike Geffner Presents The Inspired Word in Queens 7/2/14 (& 7/30/14) [Facebook]

– Performing at QNSMADE exhibition & launch party at QCA’s 3rd Space 7/18/14 [Website]

– Performing at 3Po3try NYC Presents Hot House: A Summer Poetry Extravaganza 7/31/14 [Facebook]

INSPIRATION:

“In thunderstorms it will arrive. I have the feeling often, meanwhile,
It is better to sleep, since the Guest comes so seldom;
We waste our life waiting, and I haven’t the faintest idea
How to act or talk… in the lean years who needs poets?
But poets as you say are like the holy disciple of the Wild One
Who used to stroll over the fields through the whole divine night.” -Holderlin

PS: Please SUPPORT LOCAL PROJECT.

They are an LIC institution – an accessible, experimental, open-hearted and open-minded art/event/co-working space and haven for artists and awesome people of all sorts, running exhibitions, workshops, shows, concerts, art education programs, and more. They recently had to move out of the 5Pointz building complex (for obvious reasons) and in getting reestablished in their new space, have gotten behind in rent. They’re doing an emergency Kickstarter to start their sustainability plan so they don’t lose their AMAZING and MUCH-NEEDED new home. As things change in Long Island City and supportive/affordable venues in Queens unfortunately remain a rarity, we need to keep the original culture of ART alive and support an organization that has always supported US. Above is my brick on the wall at LP – proudly standing in solidarity.

Check out their Kickstarter and BUY A BRICK! LONG LIVE LP!

Every shard of gratitude you can pull out of the shattered frame – helps.

It’s all in how you see the pieces..

(Thanks for the moment, Diane)

Yesterday, despite the dark – rainbows followed me. It’s all in what you see.. And sometimes it’s just so hard – to see. Rainbow pens from my love. Rainbow letters colored in my notebook as a sweet surprise. And then, during the Taste of LIC on the LIC waterfront – a girl scout runs up to me and says, “There’s a rainbow outside!” for no reason – how did she know? I was inside the tent and would’ve missed it – it was in the sky for such a short time. My hands shot up to my mouth. “How did you know I was waiting to see one?!” I went outside – and there it was.

Sometimes we feel so small – and so poisonously guilty for not being able to peel ourselves back from our own darkness to see the blessings in front of us. Be patient.. Be kind. I sat against a building on the sidewalk in LIC to eat some breakfast/lunch and an old friend randomly passed by and sat with me. He reminded me – you’re not alone. And you’ve been through this before. And you make a lot of people happy. That is its own currency.. The ebbs and flows, he reminded me. The ebbs and flows. This is what it is. And it isn’t forever..

Whenever I read Kabir (or Hafiz, or Rumi) – their eternity leaks into me. Their words so seemingly simple yet so profound. Emanating from somewhere else entirely and yet – directly beside you. Always within reach. Words spawn words, I always say.. They make me write. They come and offer their words – take it or leave it, they take YOU as you are. Simple. Simple..

Here are some words from a crowded G train this morning. Blessings to you, and especially those of you dealing with your dark.

XXOO

a.

6/4

“whenever you fall i will be there to catch you”

curl around that space inside the word.

your face has become so dark, hollow.

the further you slip, drifting in your boat without oars, collecting stars –

still, i can see you.
still, i can reach you.

your pity for yourself feels inextricable.

your crash from the high, your bones made of pieces, somehow still holding in place.

i am holding that place.

i am watching you even through veils of darkness.

i am the breath that moves the curtain as you sleep.

that’s all it is –

a curtain between these two worlds.

your life becomes a strange failure –

and you forget.

you don’t want to be here anymore.

rooted to this pain,

guilt.

the thickness such that for once –

you can’t cry.

and you still want to cry.

need to cry.

for her.

for him.

for them.

what about – for you?

all these curtains and boats and flowers.

be inside the curl of the word.

it is impossible to make light without shadow.

and so on and so forth –

you know this.

like your next breath – you know this.

i am the golden rim around the edge of asphyxiation.

the moment you see out of the corners of your eyes.

touch it –

you glow.

just when you think you can’t breathe anymore –

the space in your ribcage opens to a canyon.

call your voice into it.

i need no offering but your unrest.

this moment, just as you are.

call your voice to me,

up into the heavens you don’t feel strong enough to believe in.

still, i can see you.

always – i will answer you.

-ajd

UPCOMING EVENTS:

– Performing at IAM (Immigrant Advancement Matters) Open Sessions at Flushing Town Hall 6/5/14 [Facebook]

– Hosting Mike Geffner’s The Inspired Word at COFFEED 6/11/14 [Website]

– Hosting the last Boundless Tales reading of the season 6/19/14 [Website]

– Performing & curating for the Queens Council on the Arts Block Party at Kaufman Arts District 6/21/14 [Website]

INSPIRATION:

“if my bark sink/ ’tis to another sea.” -dickinson, via emerson

at a pivotal moment the other day, during a pivotal phone call, i noticed a black trash bag filled with books spilled out onto the street. my hand immediately went to a copy of elizabeth gilbert’s “eat, pray, love.” now – i haven’t been one for super hyped up books and especially ones that turn into movies, so i hadn’t read the book or put it on my must-read list.. but that day – i left with that book and nothing else. and, so strangely – although not so strangely at all – as i’ve been reading it nearly every day, i know why this book appeared in my life, and more importantly, why it appeared at THAT moment.

since fall of last year, i feel as if the universe has challenged me: what’s it gonna be, girl? no more indecision. no more limbo. what is your CHOICE? what is the life YOU want to lead? more magic? have it. more happiness? have it. less anxiety? less fears? less fixation? have it, have it, have it.

LOVE is the central energy of my existence. i have loved hard and lost hard, both by my hand, the hand of others, and the hand of fate. life and death and change and transformation – it’s incredible to consider just how much has happened since THE season of metamorphosis, for me.. fall of 2011. the beginnings of my as-yet-unpublished second book. the beginnings of cracking open. the beginnings of jumping into the darkness with only the lamp swinging in my heart and my wings to catch me..

i am so grateful for what has happened, although there were so many times the pain and fear was too much to bear. times i didn’t want to get out of bed. times i felt guilty for crying, for going back, for not being able to let go. “let my joyfully streaming face/ make me more radiant; let my hidden weeping arise/ and blossom,” rilke wrote in the tenth elegy. everything has had a purpose.. every moment of paralyzing fear, bottomless exhaustion, soul-bending ACHE. everyone ends up where they should.. myself included. you just have to TRUST. that’s it. it all reveals itself. it always does..

what i have realized is that – it’s not about being lucky. it’s not about good things happening all the time. it’s not about – oh audrey, of course you’re happy. your life is all candy-coated rainbows.. what it IS about – is GRATITUDE. and fire. energy. and stubbornness – to create the life you dream of. it’s about CHOICES. owning up. not getting stuck in the fear-tangle of guilt and anxiety, of restlessness and entrapment. i am living for the little girl who alternately obsessed on the moment she herself and everyone she loved would leave the earth – but also constantly CREATED with no compromise, full-force of imagination and unstoppable color. whatever i wanted to be – i was. dancer, dreamer, singer, actor, writer. imaginary magazine editor or radio DJ. swingset trapeze artist.. amateur stuntman. lord knows i still have the scars..

but you know what? each one is worth it.

here, in life, now – i am going forward. making CHOICES. working with what i have. staying WILD. staying GRATEFUL. and in that moment i was almost sucked back into limbo – as i have been a zillion times and no doubt will be a zillion times more – the book arrived. the book i didn’t want to pick up. the book i hadn’t even cracked open yet. i felt the anxiety in my chest and made a choice to END it. and now as i am reading – affirmation.

the thing about life is that there are no abrupt endings. even death – it’s the end of one page and the beginning of another. we try to compartmentalize things. we try to build solid walls. we think we are totally healed and then something happens – and dismantles us. through floods of tears we frantically try to replace brick after brick to separate us from THAT emotion, THAT person, THAT fear, THAT time period. but the real truth i’ve seen? we are POROUS. we are not meant to be sealed up tight.. ever. we are meant to be a cracked open door. outstretched arms. the “joyfully streaming face.”

all we can do in life – is give love to it. acknowledge the reality of the situation. make a choice. and let it go. you hurt, and you will hurt. but it’s okay. it’s so absolutely and perfectly and achingly and beautifully – okay.

after making that choice – elizabeth gilbert asked herself today in my reading of “eat, pray, love”:

“and the question for me now is, what are MY choices to be? what do i believe that i deserve in this life? where can i accept sacrifice, and where can i not?”

these are the questions that keep me moving forward. the questions that can either fill you with fear or movement or silence.

someone very pivotal in my life said that to me on that phone call. “it seems like things in life just happen to us, but you have to take ownership of it. take ownership of your decision..” and i did.

i am choosing love. i am choosing a life of fun, magic, and happiness – filled with moments of resonance and reverence. god in the word, god in nature, god in ourselves – in MYSELF. and i am choosing to FEEL it all – all-encompassing and expansive. trusting in myself and in my decisions – even when it hurts. because sometimes, it just has to..

every single day, every step forward – my heart heals.

so it is for you, too.

every single day, every step forward –

i have no regrets.

XO

a.

UPCOMING EVENTS:

– Featured performer at The Inspired Word open mic Queens debut! 5/7/14 [Facebook]

Check out this great interview they did with me.. honored!

– Sharing work (& runnin’ my mouth!) live on Salon Radio, a project of the International Women Artists’ Salon – tune in here 9pm 5/12/14 [Facebook]

– Check out this killer highlight reel of the last Astoria Stand Up showcase at Bohemian Hall! One of the best days.. ever. AND their upcoming party at Break for Cinco de Mayo!

– Hosting & reading at the debut of the Atlas Park readings 5/22/14 [Facebook]

– Performing at IAM (Immigrant Advancement Matters) Open Sessions at Flushing Town Hall 6/5/14 [Facebook]

– Hosting the last Boundless Tales reading of the season 6/19/14 [Website]

– Performing & curating for the Queens Council on the Arts Block Party at Kaufman Arts District 6/21/14 [Website]

INSPIRATION:
“so shall we come to look at the world with new eyes. it shall answer the endless inquiry of the intellect, – what is truth? and of the affections, – what is good? by yielding itself passive to the educated Will. then shall come to pass what my poet said; ‘nature is not fixed but fluid. spirit alters, moulds, makes it. the immobility or bruteness of nature, is the absence of spirit; to pure spiritit is fluid, it is volatile, it is obedient. every spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house a world; and beyond its world, a heaven. know then, that the world exists for you. for you is the phenomenon perfect. […] build, therefore, your own world. as fast as you conform your life to the pure idea in your mind, that will unfold its great proportions.” -emerson, ‘nature.’