words – Page 3 – audrey nova di mola : wilds of the deep heart

seeing.

i want you to try and remember what it was like to have been very young. and particularly the days when you were first in love; when you were like a person sleepwalking, and you didn’t quite see the street you were in, and didn’t quite hear everything that was said to you. you’re just a little bit crazy. will you remember that, please? – wilder, “our town”

there are those moments of the infinite tucked into the everyday – when suddenly he looks at me as if he was seeing me for the first time, really seeing me –

“look at you. you’re so beautiful..“ he says. “you glow.“

and i am touched by that thing that reached me, now long ago, at the beginning – not quite ever-present, fully, but there – just out of reach.. to stumble upon, an infinite number of times – always, somehow, beautifully new.

i remember, i remember being seen again, finally seen – the way we all long for, after so long. after so long of being looked right through.. and we are in the airport and i am trying not to cry, burying my face in your neck.. “you make me glow,” i whisper.. and you do.

the way the current connects without a second thought – just gives light to light to light. holding you in my arms, at moments i am suddenly in awe that i am on the side of the glass where this exists. where you are real. and your life breathes life into me, and on and onward.

sometimes, sudden, we look at each other as the way sunlight pools and fills the pure expanse of closed eyes. beating. radiating. red, orange hues, the heat on your face, the warmth, the curve of your lips sent up into the ether, that’s – how i see you.

and i know that’s how you see me.

i am no longer dealing in apparitions.. even when you are not physically beside me, i can lace my fingers with yours, feel the pulse of your energy, the colors pooling. the only sound – the slight squeal of the door to the cage swinging open, the puff of air on your face, the held breath – finally, sweetly – exhaled.

you are the beginning and beginning and beginning again – every time, the key in the lock, the look in your eyes – silently, wholeheartedly, understanding.

knowing me. seeing me.

setting me free.

thank you for giving me my life back.

thank you for reminding me –

what VISION really means.

Amazement

‘i know she didn’t let ya believe makin’ art was not a messy business’ … -ntozake shange

It has been messy. It has been beautiful. It has been EVERYTHING.

liccouriermagtraversals

“TRAVERSALS” is coming.. And so soon. Very lucky to have been featured in the Queens Courier & LIC Courier Magazine (see above) with an interview about it – read it here!

It’s nearly the anniversary of the beginning of “TRAVERSALS” – next month back in 2011, it all changed. And changed again last year, November 2013. This is my way to honor it all. To make sure I don’t forget, even the things it hurts to remember..

‘that was when the poem took over & gave you back what you discovered you didn’t haveta give up’ -ntozake

ALL THE INFO ON “TRAVERSALS” & THE LAUNCH IS ON THIS PAGE :)

The official release – signed copies from me via PayPal OR select online/local retailers is on 11/3/14. We are going to have SO MUCH FUN in the brand new Q.E.D. space for the book launch & performance party in Astoria with music, dance & poetry on 11/13/14 – please join us if you’re in the area!

“Traversals is a cracking open that always points to the immutable love that’s inside all human experience. Audrey Dimola’s poems are a guide to finding that and reminding us what is always underneath. This is a book of poetry that you will turn to, again and again, like a friend along the way.” -valerie g. keane, writer & founder of poetry & coffee

Please share this milestone with me.. And if you have work you’ve been meaning to get out there – MAKE IT HAPPEN. FIND A WAY. MAKE IT WORK. There’s no time like the present to free yourself, your work, your words, your art, your expression. Self-publish. Send it out. Write it on the walls. Leave it in the streets. Read it to a crowd. Show it to one other person. Don’t let deadlines, submissions, gatekeepers, rejections, or your own schedule scare you. Just take the steps to SHARE. IT. NOW.

Looking fwd to sharing with you,

Discovery: Space.

Giving yourself SPACE.

S P A C E.

Today’s lunchtime meditation at Three Jewels in NYC reminded me.

Laying on the floor, focusing on the breath, for half an hour. In my work clothes, no less.

Not asking anything of yourself but to EXIST. And experience the marvel of your existence.. But just laying. And breathing. Not judging. Coming back and back and back.. To the breath.

Taking a hit off your natural energy.. I haven’t felt this in so long. My mind has been absolutely RUTHLESS lately. I am feeling the effects of all my aforementioned issues in addition to distraction and internet addiction.

But that’s not what this is about.

This is about a dedication to myself and to BEING. Just – being.

And that meditation made me realize that it is still – and always will be – POSSIBLE. To float out of yourself, your body, your constrictions, restrictions, obligations, obsessions, fixations, crippling fears, and exhaustion.

Just float. Away.

This is my journey. Back to the jewel in the center of the lotus.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

now the day has dawned and the lamp that lit my dark corner is out. a summons has come and i am ready for my journey.
– w.b. yeats’ intro to rabindranath tagore’s gitanjali

ALSO: THIS.

Ladies & gents, meet “TRAVERSALS.”

OFFICIAL RELEASE (online/select retailers) 11/3/14

BOOK LAUNCH & PERFORMANCE PARTY in ASTORIA, QUEENS 11/13/14

Preorders & more info on the book & launch can be found here

!!!

Discovery: onward in the dark

Last weekend and this week have been difficult – for subversive reasons.. But I am realizing yet again how important it is to recognize that although we make grand, sweeping gestures about the “REST OF OUR LIVES!” and get enthusiastic about “FINALLY FIGURING IT OUT!” it doesn’t mean it sticks forever.. But that’s totally and absolutely okay.

My anxieties crept in – even worse than they have in awhile. Same with the fixation, the guilt. And the fear that I have, over and over again – that “this feeling” will never go away.. So subtle – how it changes your perspective of everything.. As you think, so shall you be. Fear the world? Yes, that world shall be fearsome. Open yourself to the world? And it will follow suit.

It has been so hard.. I have been so hard on myself. But it makes the rise that much sweeter. And I realized:

This is the place I create from. The place that knows the feeling of pain and dually comforts the world and myself. I would not be able to do otherwise. It is inherent in the art – the authenticity of the anguish or triumph. Not one without the other. One day this week I saw a poetry graffiti piece I forgot I did – I wouldn’t have seen it if I hadn’t missed my stop on the bus. “& though you find yourself grounded, trust that you will fly again.”

We are falling into place to heal ourselves, to heal others – even when we don’t realize it.. The universe will present the signs to you if you keep walking.

As always and forever and ever.. This is the pattern. The push and tug. The ebb and flow. The natural order.. We cannot create, we cannot relate, we cannot truly live – if we do not keep moving onward through the dark.

ONLY BECAUSE WE SUFFER CAN WE LEARN HOW TO BE STRONG.

I realize this is my calling. In the dark I reach for the pen. The chalk. The words. I write these messages because I need them, too.. Not because I am always operating from a place of perfect peace and security. I am afraid. I am crippled by fears. I am lost. I am fighting against the dark.. But doing this makes me feel better. And every time someone tells me that it helped them, too – that they needed to see it, that I played some small part in letting a message from the universe be delivered.. The circle is unbroken. Gratitude. Because without the pain, the words would not exist.

And so:

I shall go on marching,/ opening broad roads against the shadow, making/ the earth smooth, spreading/ the star for those who come. -Neruda

Infinitely,

PS: You can find more images like the ones above on my Instagram @audreyleopard :)

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]

PPS: I would be absolutely remiss not to mention that today is the birthday of my greatest hero.. MR. FREDDIE MERCURY. The man who taught me so much about what I know of bravery, of creativity, of living your destiny, living beyond boundaries, making your legend REAL. Since I was forged as a true Queen fan at 12 years old – there are no words to describe what this man has helped me to realize, what he has taught me, the heights of emotion he has pulled from me.. Pure and complete adoration, forever and ever. Cheers, my darling – my fire will always be linked to yours, my heart bursting with color because yours showed me how.. THANK YOU. FOR YOU. XXXOOO

Discovery: wordless

A photo my boyfriend took in Hawaii.. :)

Strangely, as a writer.. I am always after the wordless.

Especially after chasing words and meaning your whole life – expressing it in poetry, in prose, in speech, on paper, with a pen, with computer keys – tangible.. There is something so interesting in taking it OFF the page. In making it move.

In going forward in my work I am so excited about playing more with this.. This spirit of freedom, of movement, of cross-genre collaboration – of how the arts inform each other and each express something the other can’t. They fill in the cracks. Inspire the other to break open a little more. Breathe a little more. STRETCH a little more..

I am reminded of this every time I move away from pen and page, from computer keys and screen – my time at The Yoga Room brought this to my field of vision and since then I have never been the same. One of my favorite yoga teachers (who is also an amazing friend) paraphrased Martha Graham and said – the body in motion reveals all. I came back to the mat to practice yesterday and felt it immediately. After weeks and weeks of not doing an actual yoga class – I slipped back into this realm. This LANGUAGE. That doesn’t require any planning or pretense or anything besides – showing up.

So much of life is like that, I realize.

‘Daring Greatly’ is inspiring me again this morning. The author has an amazing vulnerability prayer: Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen. SHOWING UP. LETTING YOURSELF be seen.. The incredible experience of being involved in the local literary community has taught me this, and hosting/performing at Inspired Word especially, every couple weeks.. Having the ability to see performers at work, being vulnerable, letting themselves be seen, trying new things, freely collaborating, being open – it has a direct effect on me. I recommend it to EVERYONE – to put yourself in situations surrounded by open-hearted, brave, creative people.. Even if you yourself are terrified, or don’t want to perform – there is so much to be said – as I always discuss with my lovely friend and fellow poet Valerie Keane – for just showing up. Being there. EXPERIENCING..

Back to the wordless: REMEMBER that this exists. That there is a whole other realm for you to tap into, especially if you are usually creating in a medium that “doesn’t work that way.” Inspire yourself to step out of the box we always find ourselves in.. Most of the time, we make the box ourselves. WHY do we have to do it this way? WHY can’t we do it differently from everyone else? WHY can’t we change the course of our own history? Be inspired by the work around you and in your surrounding culture, whether mainstream or local – be inspired, but not dictated by it. All it takes is ONE person to do it differently. It always works this way.. Who says we need to stay in the usual forms, and follow suit?

Ntozake Shange has an incredible book that pushes the boundaries called ‘Lost in Language & Sound’ that has been inspiring me so much. Even the way her words look on the page, even the way she spells things – are so different. Her ideas of the “choreopoem” fall in line with things I started to experiment with – the meeting of words and dance is pure POETRY to me.. She writes: & yes/ in order to think n communicate the thoughts n feelings i want to think n communicate/ i haveta fix my tool to my needs/ i have to take it apart to the bone/ so that the malignancies/ fall away/ leaving us space to literally create our own image.

This is exactly how it felt for me to work on “MIRRORS” with my beautiful friend Kym Nolden, who choreographed this piece for debut at my WORLD OF WORDS: QUEENS show at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center this past April. The whole process was an exercise in vulnerability and trusting.. Being so inspired and humbled and shaken up by the openness of the dancers, the craft of dance itself, the hugeness of the show, the fact that I hadn’t even written “MIRRORS” when we started, hadn’t performed with memorization in many moons, never worked with dancers before, and was struck with emotion every time I performed because the subject of the piece was still raw in my heart and mind..

I remember – in the midst of a solid block of other shows and curating craziness, putting together the show, my own jobs and life happenings, exhaustion, stress, nerves, on and on and on.. Finally getting the piece down in my apartment, practicing it over and over, THEN going to the theatre at LaGuardia, performing it with the dancers for the first time – and absolutely falling apart. I couldn’t remember the words or the cues. Here I was – the curator of the show, the author of the piece – the dancers had their choreography down and were so patient and beautiful and open.. And I was screwing it up! Oh, ego. So much I learned.. I had to get out of my own way. I pushed the ego out. I tried hard to let it go. And I went back the next day, a day or so before the show, and stayed in that theatre by myself for a few hours, running it and running it onstage, all alone in front of 300 empty seats. TRUSTING.. In the beauty of the vulnerability. Of the rawness. Of the uncertainty..

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. -Madeleine L’Engle

And at the show – this is what happened. The piece I am most proud of. The style that – god willing – you will see more of. Thank you endlessly to Handan at LaGuardia for giving me space for the show, and to Kym, Jacob, and Sarah for creating this unforgettable experience with me. My heart is eternally bursting with gratitude for your beautiful energies bringing these words to life..

More to come.

Infinitely,

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]

Discovery: intro

“The colossal vitality of his illusion” – this phrase has always stood out to me in my favorite book since 8th grade, ‘The Great Gatsby.’ It’s becoming more and more clear to me – the colossal vitality of OUR illusion. I feel very lucky each time I’m led to a quote or book or piece of literature/music/art/LIFE that triggers that all-important A-HA! moment that helps to clean my metaphorical lens of this illusion.. And I want to share them with you.

Hence: DISCOVERY.

An effort to post more, reflect more, learn more, retain more.

I just started a new job which is strangely forcing – er, emphatically nudging me – to face a host of my fears. I just turned twenty-eight and the past year has been incredible, beautiful, insane, stressful, painful, amazing. And I’m realizing – as the author of this fantastic book, ‘Daring Greatly,’ realized – that so much of it comes down to VULNERABILITY. WORTHINESS. And this culture of SCARCITY – this culture of NEVER ENOUGH.

I didn’t even realize it.. How pervasive it all is. Now all of us in this rapidly paced, overly connected yet staggeringly disconnected social media/instantly updated/strangely voyeuristic society are constantly putting up boundaries and appearances, even when we don’t realize it. Should I share with people the fact that I get overwhelmed even though I’m an organizer and curator? That even though I’m a poet I deal with vulnerability or expression issues? That I’m a positive, emotional, love-filled person but am near-constantly living with familial guilt and separation anxiety? Anxiety in general? Fears of taking trains and elevators? Habits of manipulating my life, lifestyle, and opportunities due to FEAR? What about my… REPUTATION?!?!? What about how people see me? What about how I want to be seen, who I want to be, who I know I AM? How does it all get so MUDDLED?

There are so many causes we need to take the time to uncover with kindness, grace, and intelligence. ‘Daring Greatly’ illustrated this to me in such a crystal clear way this morning.. HOW can we heal? HOW can we open up? HOW can we appreciate the NOW? HOW can we ever embrace ourselves and THIS moment if we are constantly feeling we are not enough? It’s why we feel like we can never get ahead, aren’t ready, are inadequate in comparison with our peers, our sense of self, pop culture, where society says we should “be” at any given moment.. Author Brené Brown quotes a passage from Lynne Twist:

For me, and for many of us, our first waking though of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something…

The “REVERIE OF LACK.”

ILLUSION! That’s what it is! We are writing this script – all the while not realizing WE’RE pressing the keys or holding the pen.. Brown herself says: Scarcity doesn’t take hold in a culture overnight. But the feeling of scarcity does thrive in shame-prone cultures that are deeply steeped in comparison and fractured by disengagement. […] The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

This, for me, is huge. We are constantly trying to kill the sound in our heads. Muffle it. Medicate it. Ignore it. Sweat it out. Burn it up. But we have to look deeper into the root sometimes. And this to me was so illuminating..

Thus begins this phase. DISCOVERY!

Onward,

UPCOMING:

Hosting COFFEED’s 2nd Inspired Word All-Star Showcase, 9/11/14 [Facebook]
Featured Performer in Canvas of Words’ Preserving Our Roots show, 10/11/14 [Facebook]

It all counts.

Today (well – yesterday, now) was a new beginning for so many things, and a welcome honoring of where I’ve been. The journey, the journey. Oh, the journey.. Happy Lucky Friday the 13th.

So much wisdom has been popping up everywhere. If we take the time to see the signs..

Amazing articles in the latest Creations Magazine:

“The lesson to be learned here is that when your redefining moments pop up, be prepared to go where you had no plans on going – because that is where your bliss awaits you.” –Dennis Merritt Jones

“Desire directs energy, and when you are clear about your desires, you are more precise in your creative aim. When you know what you want, you can have better boundaries around how you spend your time. […] There is power in practice.” –Tami Lynn Kent

“Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we are shadows and the light, we are our left-brains and our right. We are the summation of all things and we bring our best into the world when we simultaneously toggle back and forth between it all.” – David M. Howitt

“Recall your childhood: groups of young children playing together, exploring, curious about everything, giggling in wide-eyed wonderment. Compare that picture to a group of typical adults commuting in cars or trains or buses or subways: dull faces gazing unseeingly straight ahead, emotionless. What have they lost? When did they lose it? And can they get it back? Remember that one day, you will be sitting on that proverbial rocking chair on some front porch or veranda, maybe overlooking the ocean, and a stranger will sit down beside you and politely ask: ‘So, what did you do with your life?’ What will you say? The stakes are high. The price of unhappiness is steep. And life is short.” – Henry S. Miller

And a wonderful newsletter email from my talented friend Josh Rivedal, from his BLOGospel According to Josh (my story will be appearing in his Good News Project book soon, too!) with a perfectly apt subject line: WHAT YOU ALLOW IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE. “You may not be as ‘safe’ walking this tightrope toward the change you desire… but you certainly are free (not ‘freer’ but simply ‘free’). Your efforts as a change agent for self, will be regarded and duly noted by others – and will allow them the audacity and courage to become a change agent for their own self. […] Choose yourself. Nothing is impossible. Slip that little apostrophe in and add a little space: I’m Possible. Damn it, it’s the truth.”

Everything is a sign, a sign. And the smallest movement MATTERS. My sweet partner illustrated this to me so patiently and beautifully.. Here’s some words of my own from last night/this morning:

if you can’t move, let the breath move..

if you can’t be the ship, be the oar.
if you can’t be the oar, be the compass.
if you can’t be the compass, be the slightest stirring
in the voyager’s heart that told him –
i will not waste this day like all the others.
if you can’t be the voyager, be the faintest flickering
of the arrow magnetized towards whatever is greater –
whatever you can see in that last moment,
with your eyes widened and the water in your lungs –
that suddenly makes you forget how to drown.

the smallest movement matters.
one shift toward home is precious,
even if you’re dragging yourself there –
hand over hand, finger over finger,
chipped and bloody – stunned senseless
from the sheer force of your forgetting.
don’t you remember? – reading, writing:
“there is a light that never goes out.”
there is a piece of you that cannot forget
the first bloom of god on man’s tongue
acknowledging himself, too, as infinite.
be courageous in your darkness.
the beginning of becoming took shape
with one pure cry to heaven,
inconsolable..

open your mouth and you
will find the words. -ajd

There is always light splitting through the cracks in the darkness. And I give thanks.. So much thanks.

One foot in front of the other,

XXOO

UPCOMING EVENTS:

– Hosting the last Boundless Tales reading of the season 6/19/14 [Facebook]

– Canvas of Words Open Mic Series KICKS OFF! 6/20/14 [Facebook]

– Performing & curating for the Queens Council on the Arts Block Party at Kaufman Arts District 6/21/14 [Website]

– Hosting the new Reading Series at Atlas Park (hopefully on the terrace!) 6/26/14 [Facebook]

– Hosting Mike Geffner Presents The Inspired Word in Queens 7/2/14 (& 7/30/14) [Facebook]

– Performing at QNSMADE exhibition & launch party at QCA’s 3rd Space 7/18/14 [Website]

– Performing at 3Po3try NYC Presents Hot House: A Summer Poetry Extravaganza 7/31/14 [Facebook]

INSPIRATION:

“In thunderstorms it will arrive. I have the feeling often, meanwhile,
It is better to sleep, since the Guest comes so seldom;
We waste our life waiting, and I haven’t the faintest idea
How to act or talk… in the lean years who needs poets?
But poets as you say are like the holy disciple of the Wild One
Who used to stroll over the fields through the whole divine night.” -Holderlin

PS: Please SUPPORT LOCAL PROJECT.

They are an LIC institution – an accessible, experimental, open-hearted and open-minded art/event/co-working space and haven for artists and awesome people of all sorts, running exhibitions, workshops, shows, concerts, art education programs, and more. They recently had to move out of the 5Pointz building complex (for obvious reasons) and in getting reestablished in their new space, have gotten behind in rent. They’re doing an emergency Kickstarter to start their sustainability plan so they don’t lose their AMAZING and MUCH-NEEDED new home. As things change in Long Island City and supportive/affordable venues in Queens unfortunately remain a rarity, we need to keep the original culture of ART alive and support an organization that has always supported US. Above is my brick on the wall at LP – proudly standing in solidarity.

Check out their Kickstarter and BUY A BRICK! LONG LIVE LP!

Still

Every shard of gratitude you can pull out of the shattered frame – helps.

It’s all in how you see the pieces..

(Thanks for the moment, Diane)

Yesterday, despite the dark – rainbows followed me. It’s all in what you see.. And sometimes it’s just so hard – to see. Rainbow pens from my love. Rainbow letters colored in my notebook as a sweet surprise. And then, during the Taste of LIC on the LIC waterfront – a girl scout runs up to me and says, “There’s a rainbow outside!” for no reason – how did she know? I was inside the tent and would’ve missed it – it was in the sky for such a short time. My hands shot up to my mouth. “How did you know I was waiting to see one?!” I went outside – and there it was.

Sometimes we feel so small – and so poisonously guilty for not being able to peel ourselves back from our own darkness to see the blessings in front of us. Be patient.. Be kind. I sat against a building on the sidewalk in LIC to eat some breakfast/lunch and an old friend randomly passed by and sat with me. He reminded me – you’re not alone. And you’ve been through this before. And you make a lot of people happy. That is its own currency.. The ebbs and flows, he reminded me. The ebbs and flows. This is what it is. And it isn’t forever..

Whenever I read Kabir (or Hafiz, or Rumi) – their eternity leaks into me. Their words so seemingly simple yet so profound. Emanating from somewhere else entirely and yet – directly beside you. Always within reach. Words spawn words, I always say.. They make me write. They come and offer their words – take it or leave it, they take YOU as you are. Simple. Simple..

Here are some words from a crowded G train this morning. Blessings to you, and especially those of you dealing with your dark.

XXOO

6/4

“whenever you fall i will be there to catch you”

curl around that space inside the word.

your face has become so dark, hollow.

the further you slip, drifting in your boat without oars, collecting stars –

still, i can see you.
still, i can reach you.

your pity for yourself feels inextricable.

your crash from the high, your bones made of pieces, somehow still holding in place.

i am holding that place.

i am watching you even through veils of darkness.

i am the breath that moves the curtain as you sleep.

that’s all it is –

a curtain between these two worlds.

your life becomes a strange failure –

and you forget.

you don’t want to be here anymore.

rooted to this pain,

guilt.

the thickness such that for once –

you can’t cry.

and you still want to cry.

need to cry.

for her.

for him.

for them.

what about – for you?

all these curtains and boats and flowers.

be inside the curl of the word.

it is impossible to make light without shadow.

and so on and so forth –

you know this.

like your next breath – you know this.

i am the golden rim around the edge of asphyxiation.

the moment you see out of the corners of your eyes.

touch it –

you glow.

just when you think you can’t breathe anymore –

the space in your ribcage opens to a canyon.

call your voice into it.

i need no offering but your unrest.

this moment, just as you are.

call your voice to me,

up into the heavens you don’t feel strong enough to believe in.

still, i can see you.

always – i will answer you.

-ajd

IMG_20140602_185035

UPCOMING EVENTS:

– Performing at IAM (Immigrant Advancement Matters) Open Sessions at Flushing Town Hall 6/5/14 [Facebook]

– Hosting Mike Geffner’s The Inspired Word at COFFEED 6/11/14 [Website]

– Hosting the last Boundless Tales reading of the season 6/19/14 [Website]

– Performing & curating for the Queens Council on the Arts Block Party at Kaufman Arts District 6/21/14 [Website]

INSPIRATION:

“if my bark sink/ ’tis to another sea.” -dickinson, via emerson

I had to write this.

at a pivotal moment the other day, during a pivotal phone call, i noticed a black trash bag filled with books spilled out onto the street. my hand immediately went to a copy of elizabeth gilbert’s “eat, pray, love.” now – i haven’t been one for super hyped up books and especially ones that turn into movies, so i hadn’t read the book or put it on my must-read list.. but that day – i left with that book and nothing else. and, so strangely – although not so strangely at all – as i’ve been reading it nearly every day, i know why this book appeared in my life, and more importantly, why it appeared at THAT moment.

since fall of last year, i feel as if the universe has challenged me: what’s it gonna be, girl? no more indecision. no more limbo. what is your CHOICE? what is the life YOU want to lead? more magic? have it. more happiness? have it. less anxiety? less fears? less fixation? have it, have it, have it.

LOVE is the central energy of my existence. i have loved hard and lost hard, both by my hand, the hand of others, and the hand of fate. life and death and change and transformation – it’s incredible to consider just how much has happened since THE season of metamorphosis, for me.. fall of 2011. the beginnings of my as-yet-unpublished second book. the beginnings of cracking open. the beginnings of jumping into the darkness with only the lamp swinging in my heart and my wings to catch me..

i am so grateful for what has happened, although there were so many times the pain and fear was too much to bear. times i didn’t want to get out of bed. times i felt guilty for crying, for going back, for not being able to let go. “let my joyfully streaming face/ make me more radiant; let my hidden weeping arise/ and blossom,” rilke wrote in the tenth elegy. everything has had a purpose.. every moment of paralyzing fear, bottomless exhaustion, soul-bending ACHE. everyone ends up where they should.. myself included. you just have to TRUST. that’s it. it all reveals itself. it always does..

what i have realized is that – it’s not about being lucky. it’s not about good things happening all the time. it’s not about – oh audrey, of course you’re happy. your life is all candy-coated rainbows.. what it IS about – is GRATITUDE. and fire. energy. and stubbornness – to create the life you dream of. it’s about CHOICES. owning up. not getting stuck in the fear-tangle of guilt and anxiety, of restlessness and entrapment. i am living for the little girl who alternately obsessed on the moment she herself and everyone she loved would leave the earth – but also constantly CREATED with no compromise, full-force of imagination and unstoppable color. whatever i wanted to be – i was. dancer, dreamer, singer, actor, writer. imaginary magazine editor or radio DJ. swingset trapeze artist.. amateur stuntman. lord knows i still have the scars..

but you know what? each one is worth it.

here, in life, now – i am going forward. making CHOICES. working with what i have. staying WILD. staying GRATEFUL. and in that moment i was almost sucked back into limbo – as i have been a zillion times and no doubt will be a zillion times more – the book arrived. the book i didn’t want to pick up. the book i hadn’t even cracked open yet. i felt the anxiety in my chest and made a choice to END it. and now as i am reading – affirmation.

the thing about life is that there are no abrupt endings. even death – it’s the end of one page and the beginning of another. we try to compartmentalize things. we try to build solid walls. we think we are totally healed and then something happens – and dismantles us. through floods of tears we frantically try to replace brick after brick to separate us from THAT emotion, THAT person, THAT fear, THAT time period. but the real truth i’ve seen? we are POROUS. we are not meant to be sealed up tight.. ever. we are meant to be a cracked open door. outstretched arms. the “joyfully streaming face.”

all we can do in life – is give love to it. acknowledge the reality of the situation. make a choice. and let it go. you hurt, and you will hurt. but it’s okay. it’s so absolutely and perfectly and achingly and beautifully – okay.

after making that choice – elizabeth gilbert asked herself today in my reading of “eat, pray, love”:

“and the question for me now is, what are MY choices to be? what do i believe that i deserve in this life? where can i accept sacrifice, and where can i not?”

these are the questions that keep me moving forward. the questions that can either fill you with fear or movement or silence.

someone very pivotal in my life said that to me on that phone call. “it seems like things in life just happen to us, but you have to take ownership of it. take ownership of your decision..” and i did.

i am choosing love. i am choosing a life of fun, magic, and happiness – filled with moments of resonance and reverence. god in the word, god in nature, god in ourselves – in MYSELF. and i am choosing to FEEL it all – all-encompassing and expansive. trusting in myself and in my decisions – even when it hurts. because sometimes, it just has to..

every single day, every step forward – my heart heals.

so it is for you, too.

every single day, every step forward –

i have no regrets.

UPCOMING EVENTS:

– Featured performer at The Inspired Word open mic Queens debut! 5/7/14 [Facebook]

Check out this great interview they did with me.. honored!

– Sharing work (& runnin’ my mouth!) live on Salon Radio, a project of the International Women Artists’ Salon – tune in here 9pm 5/12/14 [Facebook]

– Check out this killer highlight reel of the last Astoria Stand Up showcase at Bohemian Hall! One of the best days.. ever. AND their upcoming party at Break for Cinco de Mayo!

– Hosting & reading at the debut of the Atlas Park readings 5/22/14 [Facebook]

– Performing at IAM (Immigrant Advancement Matters) Open Sessions at Flushing Town Hall 6/5/14 [Facebook]

– Hosting the last Boundless Tales reading of the season 6/19/14 [Website]

– Performing & curating for the Queens Council on the Arts Block Party at Kaufman Arts District 6/21/14 [Website]

INSPIRATION:
“so shall we come to look at the world with new eyes. it shall answer the endless inquiry of the intellect, – what is truth? and of the affections, – what is good? by yielding itself passive to the educated Will. then shall come to pass what my poet said; ‘nature is not fixed but fluid. spirit alters, moulds, makes it. the immobility or bruteness of nature, is the absence of spirit; to pure spiritit is fluid, it is volatile, it is obedient. every spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house a world; and beyond its world, a heaven. know then, that the world exists for you. for you is the phenomenon perfect. […] build, therefore, your own world. as fast as you conform your life to the pure idea in your mind, that will unfold its great proportions.” -emerson, ‘nature.’

Let it be perpetual

I am bowing to this moment, to infinite abundance – to the sweat, to the energy, to the work, to the journey. May all opposition, all fear, all hesitance MELT in this warmth. It’s been a long, long winter – but ASK ME WHY THE COLD CAN’T TOUCH ME. ‘There is eternal summer in the grateful heart..’

Ladies & gents, I would be thrilled and honored to have you at any of the events I’m involved in or cooking up for you in the coming weeks. This has been the most exhilarating, surprising, and electrifying time in my life thus far for a myriad of reasons, and I feel truly BLESSED to have the opportunity to share my art, bring people together, and crusade for culture in Queens & NYC.

It is true that because of my doubts and anxieties I only believe in fire. […] Life. Fire. Being myself on fire I set others on fire. Never death. Fire and life. -Anaïs Nin

Audrey Dimola's World of Words: Queens

3/15/14 QUEENS POET LAUREATE PAOLO JAVIER’S ETERNiDAY

I’m honored to be curating the local stage, “MEANWHILE BACK IN QUEENS…” at the last event Paolo Javier is doing as current Queens Poet Laureate. MASSIVE, immersive celebration of literary arts as well as local writers/poets/reading series in Queens. Full schedule here / DNAinfo NY interview with Paolo about the event here.

3/28/14 UNSTAGED: A PLAYWRIGHTING & PERFORMANCE EXPERIMENT

As part of the 2014 Rough Draft Festival, my co-curator Tyler Rivenbark and I are experimenting with theatre of the unexpected: 10 playwrights will be paired with random groups of actors to write, rehearse, and stage plays LIVE on the spot, with the entire process cracked open for the audience to observe and partake in. Free-form event, come and go as you please from 3-9pm, culminates in a Q&A/celebration in the Little Theatre! Brownstoner Queens article about the show and festival here.

4/12/14 AUDREY DIMOLA’S WORLD OF WORDS: QUEENS

SO EXCITED and grateful to have this amazing 200-seat theatre space to produce my biggest event to date, a multi-disciplinary celebration of literary arts in Queens, featuring writers, poets, storytellers, and spoken word artists WITH multi-genre interludes including music, video, literature in translation AND the debut performances from myself and Kym Nolden’s words & movement collective, The Pen & The Ink – dance and poetry!

PLEASE ALSO keep a lookout for Crescent Street Films and keep APRIL 5th & 13th in your calendar in Astoria. A fantastic new friend of mine named Paras Chaudhari is producing a film called “ASTORIA PARK” exploring racial tensions, LGBT issues, and more on the local basketball court, and is pulling together the community to celebrate and spread awareness. BIG local talent showcases I’m helping to curate at Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden, 2-5pm AND The Strand Smokehouse, 5-8pm – ASTORIA STAND UP! Email me if you want to be involved ;)

AND I am so thrilled and honored to say that my self-published collection of poetry & prose, “DECISIONS WE MAKE WHILE WE DREAM,” is now on sale in ENIGMA BOOKSTORE in Astoria, Queens! (33-17 Crescent St). The book was a HUGE dream of mine and this is the next level.. Thank you to Enigma, thank you to everyone who has supported me and enjoyed the book thus far – it means more than I can say. If you’d like to get a copy, please check out Enigma Bookstore! A wonderful local business always in support of the arts.

Here’s to what we will create TOGETHER in spring and summer and the months beyond –

See you out there!

Infinite love,

OTHER UPCOMING EVENTS:

I’ll be performing at IAM (Immigrant Advancement Matters)’s first Open Mic of 2014 at COFFEED 3/21/14 [Facebook]

My amazing mom is sharing her energy work at the NEWLIFE Expo 3/22/14 [Website]

INSPIRATION:
You make the commitment, and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream, and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick! This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood, this is the shamanic dance in the waterfall, this is how magic is done: it’s done by hurling yourself into the abyss, and discovering that it’s a feather bed. -Terence McKenna

Light it up.

plunging fingers into fissures.. where is the crack in the wall, the rip in this reality, that will lead us back home? i say – bring on the dark. all the better to see our glow.. LIGHT IT UP.

January two thousand and fourteen. Ladies & gents, I feel blessed to be here, doing what I do. This year is all about doing things that scare me, or challenge me. New frontiers, new collaborations, new ways to play and be inspired.

After doing an amazing firepit “ritual” on my 26th birthday surrounded by family and friends, my best friend and I came up with an idea – set fire to your fear. Routinely. And the other night we did just that – mine? “I am afraid of losing my way.” And then – LIGHT IT UP.

That’s. It.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve grown tired of holding back. Grown tired of being ashamed. I am what I am what I am. We are all sparks and when we come together we can make something magical.. Give yourself PERMISSION, give yourself kindness and grace. To be exactly who you are. To create the world you want to live in..

on my last birthday cake i blew out the candles and said: ‘i wish i would never grow up.’ blessings all around & i feel the little girl i used to be constantly tugging at my sleeve. ‘don’t forget. don’t forget to believe.’ everyday.. keep the lights on. keep hollerin’ from the trees. keep swingin’ on the monkey bars. keep scrapin’ your knees. keep the happiness in your heart.. the rest will work itself out. here’s to lost boys. here’s to flying. here’s to never growing up.

I am so looking forward to EVERY. THING. HAPPENING. This year. To burst out in a blaze of color. “Audrey Dimola, what a production…” a dear of mine sighed to me last night. Yes.. Yes indeed ;)

First up: I hope to see you at the return of NATURE OF THE MUSE later this month, my reading and live writing event by the fire at LIC BAR! I’m honored to have some dear friends and fellow writers of diverse backgrounds coming along for the ride, in addition to two wonderful musicians! This is where it all started.. The first event I ever solo-curated – thanks from the bottom of my heart to my very talented pal Gus Rodriguez for setting me up with the fireside space and giving “Muse” a home, this time last year. LET’S DO THIS! You can find out more about previous Nature of the Muse events HERE.

Thank you so much to Brandon for the flyer! XO

Yesterday! I was thrilled to have been Glitter & Doom‘d! The amazing photography & interview project founded by my soul sister & dear friend, Liz Nieves, throwing the spotlight on local creatives. It’s so fun to remember where you’ve been.. Grateful.

“Years ago I would feel trepidation in calling myself a writer. I would feel silly saying it. You go through this whole struggle with validation. Are you a writer when you are published or are you a writer when someone tells you that you are? I just realized that this is what I am come hell or high water. Now I introduce myself as a writer, hell yes I do. If I feel like being fancy I say I’m a poet…”

Ha! ;) Please check it out in addition to all the other great content – an exhibition of photos from the series is also going up next month!

I’m really excited to be reading for several wonderful friends of mine across NYC over the next few months, which you can find out more about below, AND – please save the dates! Thanks to the connection of two amazing people (DB & Handan!) I will be curating my first events at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center! MARCH 28 is a live playwrighting/staging/acting event in site-specific spaces around LaGuardia, co-curated with my crazy talented playwright/musician friend, Tyler Rivenbark! AND – APRIL 12 will see a multi-disciplinary celebration of Queens literary arts in the 200-seat little theatre at LPAC. SO. EXCITED.

More deets to come, for everything.. Until then, please feel free to reach out! Add me on Instagram @audreyleopard! Email and say hello! I will be living by the incredible Hermann Hesse’s words.. This is a new age of creation for me – of collaboration, invocation, inspiration – guided by dreams and visions, open hearts, open doors..

From the sacred center of the world
streams forth an irrepressible desire
to overcome the silence between things.
Art, the ever flowing fountain, reveals
the secret of life through word and gesture, color and sound.

The world wants to be known to spirit
and find expression for timeless wisdom.
All life longs for a language.
Deep intuitions wish to surface,
find words and numbers, lines and tones,
always evolving forms of understanding.

This. This. This.

Love in the infinite & abundant possibilities..!

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Curating/hosting Nature of the Muse at LIC Bar – 1/30/14 [Facebook]

Reading at In Celebration of The Year of the Horse: A Prose and Poetry Reading at Bliss on Bliss Studio – 2/2/14 [Facebook]

Reading at Poetry Teachers NYC’s The Unveiling Arrival at Bowery Poetry Club – 3/9/14 [Facebook]

Co-curating Live Playwrighting/Staging/Acting at Rough Draft Festival at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center – 3/28/14 Save the date!

Curating/hosting Queens Literary Festival at LaGuardia Performing Arts Center – 4/12/14 Save the date!

INSPIRATION:

“Art in Hesse’s vision and practice leads the way to joy. The true artist nourishes the soul. The true poet’s medium is the sacred word. Hesse tries to restore the word as an instrument of the possible and the imagined, as a luminous bridge to the unknown.” – Ludwig Max Fischer, PhD, from ‘The Seasons of the Soul,’ a collection of Hermann Hesse’s poetry.

In defense of the inner child

Image via Pinterest

I’m sitting here right now watching a snowglobe out my window. It’s amazing to me just what kind of memories snow can conjure.

A dear friend and fellow artist told me that if the snow sticks they were going to have a snowball fight outside a local bar, and it struck me. It’s really good to see “grown-ups” keeping the inner child alive.

The inner child is such a very important idea for me. I was talking to another lovely friend about visualizing your way out of anxious situations – and really what it comes down to is imagination. So soon we forget the hours we spent imagining – even the words themselves, when you look at the phrase and break it down – “make believe” – MAKING your BELIEFS – how could we know then how essential it would be for us to remember?

Litanies of to-do’s, places to rush to, ten million apps to check on. I can still remember long car rides with nothing but myself and what I imagined in my head. No music, no phone, no books (but only because I’d get carsick ;)).

I find that some the most friction I feel in life is when “reality” (insert HUGE air quotes) is forcing me to give up on the inner child. On the endless possibility it represents. When you were a kid, everyone told you – the sky was the limit, you could do anything you put your mind to. You could create worlds to live in and spend hours there. Now, you have to fall in line. Pay the bills. Keep your head down. “Grow up.” Society at large – or even more insidiously, sometimes the closest people around you – try to convince you your dreams are too big, or you should take the safer route, or THEY tried and failed so YOU shouldn’t bother getting hurt too, or, of course – it’s not the time or the place, or you’re too young or too old or too inexperienced or you need this qualification or that qualification or etc. etc. etc. Gatekeepers. On and on, forever. But.

NO ONE should make those decisions for you. But you.

I will never let go of the inner child – because the inner child is me, no separation. What stops us from manifesting things into reality? From dreaming so big we have no idea how it will actually happen, but only that somehow, it will?

When I reached out to a very cool street artist who was hanging his DIY cardboard graffiti paintings around Astoria and the NYC area, I shared my Compass Project poetry sticker project with him and he pointed out this poem on one of the stickers, which I wrote from 5 prompt words a friend gave me:

it’s always on the darkest days
when a sliver
of phantom sunlight
hits my face –
that i am reminded
of all you lose in the strain.
as a child you think: when you’re older
you won’t ever be afraid –
so next time you fear
remember that little boy or girl
and convince yourself, for them, to be brave.

It was so cool to have a reminder like that – and the poem came back and sat in my heart, waving pinwheels and sparklers. I remembered.

THIS was the time we were all waiting for when we were kids. We’re “grown-ups” now! We can do whatever we want, and we won’t be afraid! Or so we thought. So many dreams are left in schoolbooks or toy boxes – in the corners and under blankets where we hid. There’s no reason why we can’t go back and pick them up again. Every moment is a chance – and there is nothing that can change that.

We all have the power to use whatever situation we are born into to learn something, to leave something behind, to create worlds or even just make one person’s day brighter with a small gesture.

When you wake up in the dark, as I did this morning, and the fears start creeping in from the floor and the ceiling, remember – you are the only one who can change that moment. Your perception, your will, your joy or your sorrow. Take steps to live the life you’ve always wanted to.

Make your inner child proud.

Happy Snow Day,

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Trajectories: words and music / collab with thingNY – 12/12/13 [Facebook]

INSPIRATION:

“To the one who didn’t fit. To she who bucked authority and challenged the status quo… To the ones whose dreams were crushed by adults whose dreams were crushed… To the child of light who cannot die, even when she’s choking in seven seas of darkness… You are holy. I love you. You are a miracle. Your life, your feelings, your hopes and dreams – they matter. Somebody failed you but you will not fail. Somebody looked in your eyes and saw the sun – blazing – and got scared. Somebody broke your heart but your love remains perfect. Somebody lost their dreams and thought you should too, but you mustn’t.”
–Rebelle Society

POSTSCRIPT:

Photo via crbustamantejr Instagram

I would LOVE to send a HUGE shout-out to my great friend and fellow journalist Cesar Bustamante who put together a LIVE CALENDAR OF LITERARY EVENTS IN QUEENS! Please check this out – click HERE!

I would also love to thank Underground Books‘ Unlikely Blond blog for reviewing my first book, “Decisions We Make While We Dream”!

“She has been tearing up the New York poetry scene with her dream-like poetry. Audrey Dimola, the young and vivacious character straight out of Long Island City, Queens, is as charismatic personally as she is in her writing. Her collection of poems, Decisions We Make While We Dream, has me entranced. Here, writing this with her book at my side, I am still enshrouded in a mist of wonderment.” You can check it out HERE.

They also published three of my pieces – “winter (reprise),” “V.XII,” and “becoming” on their Kitchen Poet online journal, which you can check out HERE. Much love and gratitude!