for always

I read this for the first time at The Q Note‘s inaugural Commas & Coffee reading (February 2011) in Sunnyside, Queens.

for always

forked tongues in careless mouths
and the tempers rise again.
frivolous arguments
and apologies murmured
through gritted teeth.
how far will it go tonight?
or how deep will the subsequent
silence be
when time again we’re faced with the fact
that we’ve said all we can say?
our paths converged what seems like
forever ago
and still we cannot quite figure out
where to place this
fascinating
frustrating
perfectly
beautiful
torment..
that burns us at the stake
yet comes to salvage the charred remains.
we get older and we stay
to sling the stones of words
we’d like to – but can never –
ever –
forget.
trying to force your words
to fade away
was always the problem.
you never fade.
and if you start to –
one strand of recollection
ignites your memory
and floods my soul with color
the way you always do.
you were all the good things i had lost –
the unapologetically alive.
just being near you
made me more than myself –
vibrant
and amplified.
yet still
i could look at you
and not know what to do.
only now it seems we do know
and are afraid to act on the truth.
you’ll be what i think of –
like our old gravel-voiced friend sings –
when i’m dead in my grave..
because even then i’d wish for
another chance
to fly too close and melt my wings.
in another lifetime, perhaps,
we’ll be what the other needs –
or, perhaps, we already have been
and all this time
have been chasing that dream.
i can only remember you
and being whole –
laughing
and finding my place.
seeking the solace and affirmation
now regressed to the point
where no words can express
the bottomless disappointment
in one defeated breath.
you were everything –
that stubborn archaic hope
that drives men to build
waxen wings
and keep dreaming
what they were never meant to dream.
you were, are, will be –
everything.
that one last riddle
between the sphinx’s paws
i’ve always wished i could solve.
somehow –
the futile hope never dies in me.
another time, another place
another life, another plane –
i’d still be waiting,
wishing for you.
and perhaps,
in another guise
in some time beyond my reach
i’ll feel that familiar hope
that electricity and madness
so breathtaking and infuriating
so perfectly alive –
and all at once
for now and ever
i’ll know –
i’ll know it’s you –
and i’ll love you
just as endlessly
as every time before.

this is for you,
for always.