“IT IS NEVER A MISTAKE TO SEARCH FOR WHAT ONE REQUIRES. NEVER.”
“the hallmark of the wild nature is that it goes on. it perseveres. this is not something we do. it is something we are, naturally and innately.”
“the most important thing is to hold on, hold out, for your creative life, for your solitude, for your time to be and do, for your very life; HOLD ON.” – women who run with the wolves
it’s been a helluva summer.
i bless myself with this pen and page. your heart can’t beat when it’s stuck in a cage- GET OUT. get out. breathe. live. do. BE GRATEFUL. we feel lost because we don’t see a path but we forget that’s because WE have to blaze it. don’t like where you are? change it. grind against what’s killing you, shed your skin, begin again. it’s never too late for a new origin story. the dark is real but so is your armor- reflect the light and keep getting stronger… i bow only to the fire inside me & the wings on my back~*
HELLO BEAUTIFUL HUMANS. i’m riding the lightning & last bits of this thunderbolt of a summer. i haven’t done any curated events of my own since june but HERE COMES THE FALL!
please join me for these shows because they’re not only meant for presentation, they are meant for PARTICIPATION. i’m in the mood to keep brewing and hope you are too ;)
– create a pair of wings made of positive words
– respond in the moment to your fellow cross-genre artists
– cozy up by the fire for mayhem & magic
– experiment/engage/build community?!
9/30/15 – WORDS WITH WINGS, co-producing/hosting all-poetry show with THE GRIND in LIC & its amazing founder, spoken word poet/motivator SAFIEL VONAY (this girl is bonkers, check her out). this is the kickoff & the fireworks show!! feat. thomas fucaloro, shafina ahmed, steven licardi & others, special intro by safiel & i, plus more: live art/feathers project/mini open mic/artists to support including my amazing sister april tigerlily! let’s start the fall on a good foot & remember our WINGS. 11-27 44th rd LIC, doors at 7pm, 7:30-11:30pm [more info]
10/28/15 – Audrey Dimola presents MASHUPS! performance/workshop at Queens Council on the Arts in Astoria. it’s been a longtime dream of mine to feature artists responding to each other across genres, in the moment (!) – visual art, dance, poetry & music. this is the first & if you’re into it, please attend/email me for future events! feat. dancer caitlyn casson, musician marc montfleury, & more. 37-11 35th ave in astoria, 6:30-8 or 8:30pm.
11/12/15 – My Nature of the Muse fireside reading/live writing series returns to LIC Bar! this show is my very first baby & i’m so excited to bring it back to LIC bar a little earlier this year! five writers share their previously written work & then write LIVE from random prompts written by the audience. did i mention it’s by the fire?! feat. alicen grey, timothy bell, tippy rex, hala alyan & yi wu, w/special musical guests katelyn richards & luca difabio. 45-58 vernon blvd in LIC, 7:30pm.
11/18/15 – #neonrebellion kickoff with Nick Neon arrives at Q.E.D. in Astoria. want to be a part of a new supportive community of rebel-artists sharing work, asking questions, taking risks & encouraging each other to make art? stay tuned. we about the rock the joint. 27-16 23rd ave in astoria, 8:30pm.
thanks to my awesome brother i’m returning to my roots in journalism with a new arts interview webshow (!!!) called ART FOR THE WILD produced by colored in black productions, shot & edited by my aforementioned videographer/editor brother dominick! debut episodes feature one of my favorite collaborators & humans in general, MARC MONTFLEURY! check it out! can’t wait to share more stories & performances of the amazing folks i know & love..
i’m SUPER proud to announce my story is appearing in an amazing book & initiative from my fantastic friend josh rivedal called The i’Mpossible Project: Reengaging With Life, Creating a New You. there are essays from myself and over 40 other life-warriors who have overcome tremendous odds, like josh himself who turned tragedy into new beginnings and ways to help others. preorders start tomorrow, more info is here!
***PAYING IT FWD***
my girl monica montgomery is launching the world’s first mobile/pop-up social justice museum, the MUSEUM OF IMPACT, this sunday 9/20 at 4pm in harlem! please come and help make history! it will be popping up from the launch until 9/24, so come for events each day like five boro story project’s uptown social justice story share 9/22 (from my other wonderful friend bridget!).
growing heart farm in upstate NY gave me so much this summer by accepting me with open arms & allowing me to work & stay in nature, and i want everyone to know what magic and healing they bring. please join them for an open retreat weekend with exploration, movement, yoga, and farm food (!!) oct 2-4. more info is here!
***LET ME TELL YOU Y’ALL***
THERE ARE NO MISTAKES IN ART.
(new handmade versions of compass project poetry!)
stop disappearing into a faceless army. stop going back to your apartment, doing your job, going to sleep. that tingling in your throat, it’s starting something. it may come out hoarse but it’s a beautiful beginning. the messenger gave you a legend, a scripture, a tale to tell around a fire the way we did in ancient days. your words can turn ash to ember. BELIEVE it. NOW BLAZE.
go north / go forth,
can there be any possibility of completely understanding who we are and why we’re here or where we are going? […] you have to keep on asking. -kunitz
IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! <3 (leo grrlz throw ya paws up!! ;))
thank you all for helping make it a crazy-beautiful and incredibly memorable trip around the sun..
for all the words, the enthusiasm, shows attended, inspiration shared, hugs exchanged, hearts touched, collaborations made, opportunities presented, magic conjured, and LOVE given freely.. thank you, thank you, thank you.
for this one life, this voyage of mine that sometimes veers into the wildest of waters- i am so grateful.
i realized the other day that the gorgeous moments of life are a lot of like bright islands in a shadowy sea.
each moment stands like an island circling light like a beacon in the darkness- it can’t be compared to anything else, it just is. even lost in the wild sea, know that- a few more breaths, strokes- the light will fill you, find you again. be witness to what it is you feel. the grace in almost drowning and finding another island. life is like that. light-filled islands in the dark, wild sea. shifting, eroding, flooding, so you can’t quite stay, but god.. so beautiful while you do.
my birthday wish is to remain cognizant of how lucky i am, every. single. day.
i want to share 29 pieces of wisdom with you that have been helping me through the wilderness of this particularly heart-cracking summer.
with fire-filled thanks for my twenty-ninth year..
out of darkness lion heart pumping,
29 for 29 / how to make it through the wilderness:
1. don’t forget that this too is part of the magic you have to offer the world. this pain we go through. our wilderness years. –nick calder
2. in other words, fear doesn’t go away. the warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew everyday. –the war of art
3. discontent, restlessness, doubt, despair, longing […] instead of facing them, one runs away; one escapes- into depressions, nervous breakdowns, drink, love affairs, or frantic, thoughtless, fruitless overwork. anything, rather than face them. anything, rather than stand still and learn from them. one tries to cure the signs of growth, to exorcise them, as if they were devils, when they really might be angels of annunciation. –gift from the sea
4. we insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity- in freedom. –gift from the sea
5. maybe that’s why i have a fragile heart. you can’t accept everything, or you become a monster. –the golden legend (film)
6. the kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. they have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually. –when things fall apart
7. you don’t have to have a college degree to serve. you don’t have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. you don’t have to know about plato and aristotle to serve. you don’t have to know einstein’s theory of relativity to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love. and you can be that servant. –MLK
8. being preoccupied with our self-image is like being deaf and blind. it’s like standing in the middle of a vast field of wildflowers with a black hood over our heads. –when things fall apart
9. if you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin. –women who run with the wolves
10. there must be a little, and in many cases, a good deal of blood spilled on every story, on every aspect of your own life […] if a person is to carry a true medicine. –women who run with the wolves
11. listen to the birds always. –shane hobel, mountain scout survival
12. and though of magnificence and splendour, your house shall not hold your secret nor shelter your longing. for that which is boundless in you abides in the mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning mist, and whose windows are the songs and the silences of night. –the prophet
13. do it with all your heart and then don’t care when it breaks. –eduardo, on the metro
14. I placed one foot on the wide plain
of death, and some grand immensity
sounded on the emptiness.
I have felt nothing ever
like the wild wonder of that moment. –rumi
15. for horror not to repeat itself endlessly we have to understand its makeup, be willing to look at it, get close to it, at the same time not burn up with it. what we avoid corrupts and deforms us- we are always twisting away from it. and it shows in our writing, in the way we sit and walk. –the true art of writing
16. it is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. it is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. when one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. if one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. […] only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others, i am beginning to discover… –gift from the sea
17. only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. –when things fall apart
18. ask not of things to shed their veils. unveil yourselves, and things will be unveiled. nor ask of things to break their seals. unseal ourselves, and all will be unsealed. […] if, then, your world be such a baffling riddle, it is because you are that baffling riddle. and if your speech be such a woeful maze, it is because you are that woeful maze. –the book of mirdad
19. if there’s a god or any kind of justice under the sky
if there’s a point, if there’s a reason to live or die
if there’s an answer to the questions we feel bad to ask
show yourself, destroy your fears, release your mask… –QUEEN [listen]
20. ’i’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart.
‘yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart.
‘but you have never been beyond it.’ –coelho
21. i am always being overwhelmed, i require it to sustain life. –everett ruess
22. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR MY EGO TO DIE! –nahko [listen]
23. what the hibernating winter in their blood/ needs to become- some dreaming scene/ of humans lumbering away, walking/ on their tongues and tasting/ the truth of the earth. –hochman
24. how sublime is the silence of nature’s ever-active energies! there is something in the very name of wilderness, which charms the ear, and soothes the spirit of man. there is religion in it. -wilderness & the american mind
25. TODAY, TODAY LIVE LIKE YOU WANNA
LET YESTERDAY BURN & THROW IT IN A FIRE
IN A FIRE, IN A FIRE
LIVE LIKE A WARRIOR –matisyahu [listen]
26. But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us- to know
Whence our lives come and where they go. -m.arnold
27. We want so much,
When perhaps we live best
In the spaces between loves,
That unconscious roving,
The heart its own rough animal.
Unfettered. -tracy k. smith
28. an animal flowers in the elements. it grows wings. –humanimal
29. the solution for me, surely, is neither in total renunciation of the world, nor in total acceptance of it. i must find a balance somewhere, or an alternating rhythm between these two extremes; a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return. –gift from the sea
& one for luck**
when you look back on a lifetime and think of what has been given to the world by your presence, your fugitive presence, inevitably you think of your art, whatever it may be, as the gift you have made to the world in acknowledgment of the gift you have been given, which is the life itself. and i think the world tends to forget that this is the ultimate significance of the body of work each artist produces. that work is not an expression of the desire for praise or recognition, or prizes, but the deepest manifestation of your gratitude for the gift of life. –kunitz
lose your self-consciousness
gain your self-awareness
be the light on the underside
move like the forest teaches
you to move
the goal for you is to overcome
it is up to you to be a human
translation of the wild
be the wolf they can see in the
shine of your iris in sunlight
help them remember how. –notes from my treehouse
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us- to know
Whence our lives come and where they go. -m. arnold
the journey, my friends, the journey. walking these unfamiliar paths, meeting souls that feel familiar. on the land which always, always feels like home. working on the farm. learning wilderness survival and so much more about awareness, presence, movement. these days- i will never forget them.
You will erase everything you had written in the book of your life up until now: restlessness, uncertainty, lies. And in the place of all this you will write the word courage. By beginning the journey with that word and continuing with faith in God, you will arrive wherever you need to arrive. -p. coelho
in that spirit- here is my origin story.
this is my retelling of the story of LA LOBA, wolf woman, passed down to dr. clarissa pinkola estés in the incredible book, women who run with the wolves. inspired by recent experiences, my tribe, and the wild spirit that keeps me traveling forward. forward. forward.
* * *
Out under the milky moon after a day of scorching sunlight there is a woman moving slowly but purposefully through the desert. She has many names, but in this case we shall call her the wolf woman. La Loba.
She moves about almost undetected- you might catch a glimpse of her silvering hair amidst cactus flowers, her gnarled fingers stretching between jagged rocks or sifting sands. La Loba is silently searching through this landscape to uncover the bones.
These are the wild parts of ourselves- the indestructible, even by flame- the bones, and the wild life force within that gets buried, hidden, stolen away without us even knowing it.
Many of us find ourselves undertaking what seems like an impossible journey through the desert. Grains and grains of sand, rocks, spiked plants, cliffs, dunes. The landscape tricking our eyes, all seeming endless- the same. But we must do it. We must trust that each movement has a purpose, that this search is not in vain- like La Loba does.
As she finds these buried bones, each, one by one, she brings them back to her desert cave, piecing the wild skeleton back together in the dust beside the glowing firelight. And in the space between each placement, each adjustment, La Loba begins to sing.
Singing over the bones is what our soul is calling us to do when we feel displaced unrest. To go into that desert of the psyche, retrieve those lost parts of ourselves- and sing. Sing with our whole soul, our utmost and fully alive- for all the things we love and long for every morning at the break of day, in the quiet unfolding of night, and all the moments in between. Just SING. Without fear of what it sounds like, but only with heart.
And little by little as La Loba sings, the skeleton of bones in the dust winds itself back together- sinew and muscle, tissue and fur, little by little- this wild creature, almost lost to the dunes, begins to twitch, shake, stir- begins to BREATHE again, pump blood again, open its eyes and awake into full being again.
The wolf gets up as La Loba beams gently through the shadows and flickering light of the cave- and with a tail swish and its ears pricked up, it darts out into the distance, out of the cave and into the desert- eyes shining, howl swirling through its ribcage, paws beating in the moonlight, faster and faster until that wolf, that wild soul, searched for and sang back to life by the light of the fire- that creature becomes a girl running through the dunes and desert flowers.
And she is laughing. She is grateful. She is whole.
* * *
This girl will remember where she came from, and dedicate her life to the spirit of wild love that resurrected her. And in so doing, she will become an aspect of La Loba herself. It is this way the circle of discovery and rediscovery, losing and finding, wandering and wishing, leaving and returning- is never broken.
We sing our wild souls back to life- and then we help others do it too.
It is this way we keep the flow of gratitude moving.
It is this way we reassemble our tribe.
holy, holy grandmother we sing
wash us clean of our pain and suffering
give us strength for our new beginnings
from my deepest thanks i sing…
love to you warriors, wish-children, wild souls, spirits of light.
if you’re in the NYC area and enjoy arts/music/lit/mischief, come see me at LAST FRIDAYZ at local project on 7/31 or queens lit fest on the wkend of aug 1 & 2 at LIC bar in queens! more performance info on the events page.
how we squander our hours of pain.
how we gaze beyond them into the bitter duration
to see if they have an end. though they are really
seasons of us, our winter-
enduring foliage, ponds, meadows, our inborn landscape,
where birds and reed-dwelling creatures are at home. -RILKE
dear beautiful people: have a wonderful summer.
i am trying to put many things that are defying words- into such words.
here’s what i got goin’ on, would love to see you to share some words & hugs:
** (new queens series) RAGE READINGS 7/6/15 8pm @ astoria coffee
** LAST FRIDAYZ at local project in LIC produced by inspired word 7/31/15 7pm
** hosting open mic, performing & presenting NATURE OF THE MUSE readers sweta vikram, michael stahl, kevin marquez, crystal rivera & m. leona godin at QUEENS LIT FEST @ LIC Bar (aug 1 & 2, 11-5pm; nature of the muse features on 8/2, 2pm)
and from the rupture
that was breaking our hearts
we came forth clean again,
loving each other
without dream, without sand,
complete and radiant,
sealed by fire. -NERUDA
i wish this for you this summer.
into the wild,
on the journey again-
in the immortal christopher mccandless’ words-
perhaps not conclude, but continue- ever, continue…
we, only, can see death; the free animal
has its decline in back of it, forever,
and god in front, and when it moves, it moves
already in eternity, like a fountain. -RILKE
till we meet again.
if you have a sec, check out the UPDATED COMPASS PROJECT PAGE!
i’m pretty excited about it & sending more poetry stickers out soon (foto by jan in baltimore :))
my longtime dream of appearing on QPTV/queens public TV is being realized very SOON!
thank you so much to maricor and empyre media productions for believing in me, the whole crew, my bro for helping, and of course gail lewis for hosting :) XO
“EMP’s ‘Art of Poetry’ with Audrey Dimola is now scheduled to cablecast on QPTV.
Here’s the schedule:
June 8, 2015 Monday- 10:30 am
Time Warner, Ch 56 / 1996
RCN, Ch 84
Verizon Fios, Ch 36
June 21, 2015 Sunday- 7:30 pm
Time Warner, Ch 56 1996
RCN, Ch 84
Verizon Fios, Ch 36
Note: This cablecast schedule is for Queens Borough residents only.
For those residing outside Queens borough, please watch the Episode on Empyre Media Production’s Vimeo Channel.
We shall post it, in sync with the cablecast schedule.
Please mark your calendar. Happy viewing ;)”
EDIT! THE EPISODE IS NOW AVAILABLE ONLINE :)
i feel so grateful to have been able to share my work and my thoughts on this empyre media productions episode, infinite thanks to the wonderful maricor fernandez and her crew and gail lewis who gave me an amazing interview! watch the clip for some live poetry from my last book ‘TRAVERSALS’ (& singing!), discussions of wildness and the unexpected, my guerrilla poetry sticker project, my feelings on poetry being for EVERYONE, dispelling the indie artist legitimacy crisis/stigma against self-pub, the impetus behind THE WILD PAPERS project, queens love & more. shoutouts to everyone for the photos & video used in the clip- the beginning is the debut of the dance/poetry collab MIRRORS at LPAC in april ’14! bless to all. i love this. <3
things have been tumultuous.
today, on a whim, i got in a cab and told the driver: “anywhere in coney island.”
in my entire life, i don’t think i’ve ever been to the beach completely alone.
after having so much trouble writing.. relating. feeling. loving. believing.
in the sea, by the sea, as the sea- i was accepted, broken.
and in the space- i wrote.
it is always as if- i am
seeing it for the first time.
i must believe as the first man did
god is in the ocean.
god is in the earth.
i no longer believe in one god.
i do not know of omniscience.
i only remember what healing is
when my feet touch scorching sand
particles glittering in a force
as i am.
nature is my only echo.
i am part and parcel.
crash of wave in my roiling heart.
home to everything.
home to nothing.
home- forever changing.
i must have been a sailor.
because i can’t remember
what it’s like to not be in motion.
dwarfed and frightened and
majesty beyond your
when i arrive here:
seagull shadow on
pen and paper.
discarded on the beach.
i want to walk
straight out into the
and never look back.
as hard as i try-
i cannot understand
my heart on fire
to floods, to this-
giving and taking
away, giving and
my mind which
never lets me
i know now
even the barnacles,
the ocean moss, the
crusted shells in
have a place here.
i, too, would
and never leave.
even, suddenly, things i couldn’t
bear to behold.
here there are no
no guilt, no
you cannot force me
i, who in these moments
have felt nothing,
or at least-
the smallest glimmer
from a match-flick
an ocean whisper-
don’t leave us.
we still have
if i could lead you
into a poem that is
right now it would be
the slightest shrill of
wayfaring birds, the
slightest swing of
in the distance
on the end of
the prow of a ship,
a billowing sail
saying only- i can
you must try
to move with me
in the dark.
do you no good here.
nor any knowledge
of four walls.
only sandy stretches
glittering like nebulas
a sky made of
bluing mussel shells
there is no way
to make me see
the worldly things
the crash of wave,
please do not
ask me to
please do not beg me
to feel something
when i am curled
only remind me
of the cycles.
the dusk and dawn
of the sea.
remind me that
in my heart
are home for all
who have no
to simply be.
i feel so infinite and
like nothing exists
if i have to, everyday
or every other day or
i will return to
i feel as out of place
in the world as
a girl with fins
i am singing my own
in my heart
i told him this morning
my heart feels like
a piece of driftwood
with the ocean crashing
and now here i am-
standing in the
calmed by the sea
this glittering sand
the most beautiful thing
i have ever seen.
it reminds me what i am a
part of and
what is a part
thank you, coney island.
i wish i knew, i wish i had a way – to take you away from yourself.
the tricks your mind plays.. the sadness. the darkness. it’s hereditary. maybe.
i remember when you told me, that night in the car – i hope that doesn’t happen to you.
i never even realized you thought about those things.
and i told you i’d fight it, fight the darkness, but you said – you can’t. why do you think i can’t work?
so every day, i guess – i’m fighting. for both of us..
and you don’t even know it.
28 years later and i’m still trying to scale your walls.
– excerpt from THE WILD PAPERS
the darkness has crept up on me recently.
it’s funny how we get so entrenched in our own situations, worlds, societies, histories, genetics, pre-dispositions, habits, etc. that we forget it wasn’t always like this.. and we don’t have to be bound by it.
this is a strange time to be alive – one in which my heart tells me to be wild. but everything else pokes and prods at me – to stay connected, update my status, check my notifications, my messages, my comments, my likes, my invites.. share, share, share, check, check, check.
the mind has a fantastic capability.. that has been whittled down to infinite scroll and obsessive checking, reporting, observing, comparing.. everything. i am specifically talking about facebook/social media and i am specifically talking about myself..!
i made the decision a week or two ago to quit. for anyone who knows me and how interconnected i enjoy being, especially as an extra-visible media person/artist/party animal/scribe – this is strange and drastic. however – i feel my mental state was far stranger and more drastic.
i have lived on the internet since i was 12 or 13 years old. what about us internet kids, coming into our identities as early teens at the BOOM – we grew up like this, yet we have enough of “life before” to make us wistful.. is this always why i feel like i’m living in two worlds at once, pulled by both? and what about “kids these days” – who have nothing to compare it to? you’re born with an ipad in your hand.. my friend’s baby knows how to tap and swipe and she’s not even 2 years old.
there’s nothing wrong with the internet. it’s a beautiful thing. i’ve been connected to friends from all over the world – some of which i’ve still never met in person. you have a myriad amount of information at your fingertips. the ease of sharing moves at lightspeed, like life itself..
i remember fondly the days of AIM chats and ICQ, angelfire and geocities. message boards, RPG’ing, and writing stories. teaching myself HTML, the satisfaction of skinning a scrollbar or making a photo into a clickable button. endless xanga entries, lyrics, photos, and chat excerpts. all the zillions of ‘about’ statements you write as you grow, change, get older.. myspace. collecting internet friends and comments. and now facebook. and all the rest. we grew up with the rise of the internet. we remember the excitement! the addiction. all of a sudden – everything is meant to be documented and shared, and easily. there’s a whole other WORLD that exists out THERE – in internet-space. and there’s nothing in us – or in me, specifically – that knows how to turn it off.
“If science could see freedom, what would it look like? If it wanted to find the will, where would it search? [George] Eliot believed that the mind’s ability to alter itself was the source of our freedom.”
i started reading a book i found tossed around the apartment – “proust was a neuroscientist” by jonah lehrer. i didn’t start reading it until now, and – like many things in my life – it arrived when i was ready for it. sometimes you need a reminder of our inherent ability to learn, change, grow. literally the way we’re wired.. literally the way we evolve. the randomness. the chance. the mistakes. the oddities. the way we sneak out from under the thumbprint of concrete rules and regulations.. to be this strange being that was made to change. inherently – we are made for freedom.
this invigorates me.
to look back into history and see people emerging from their ages of anxiety. twisting and turning through theories and speculations, what stuck, what didn’t.. to be reminded that everyday – we have a chance. we have newly born parts of our brains. we can create new pathways. new patterns. and break them. and make them. again and again and again.
“…human freedom is innate, for we are the equation without a set answer. We solve ourselves.”
i guess what i’m trying to say is – it’s beautiful to be human. this freedom i am constantly grasping for – freedom from my habits, my patterns, my addictions, my anxieties – is literally in the fiber of my being. for me, it’s come through resolving to stay wild and keep away from the things i feel are WASTING my brain cells. scroll, scroll, infinite scroll – and endless DISTRACTIONS. i want to read books like these. i want to climb trees. i want to live without documenting every single moment as it happens. i want to live without so much STUFF. and i want to feel – like i have lately – that there are no longer four walls encasing me. that there is more than constantly having to keep up. more than constantly feeling like i’m missing something. more than the knee-jerk reaction to grab my phone or open up a tab for facebook or figure out a filter for instagram at every spare moment, between every task..
yes, this is our world. our gorgeous and troubled age of anxiety, our age of everything and nothing, our culture of scarcity, our over-information age, our over-stimulation age. but this is also me – having grown up with the internet, being prone to anxiety and distraction, having a past of OCD and fixation.. letting my patterns get out of control.
“Eliot was fond of quoting Tennyson’s In Memoriam: ‘There lives more faith in honest doubt,/ Believe me, than in half the creeds.’”
we fall into these pits so we can dig our way out. there is no other way. there is no learning that comes from walking on a straight road, straight into nowhere, knowing it all, seeking nothing. the learning comes from the sweat and the dirt under our fingernails. the blood and bruises. the ache. the digging. the getting up. the walking on.. the doing it again. and doing it differently.
our so-called “mistakes,” our contradictions, our doubts, our duality, our paradoxical nature, our “reckless swings of animal will” (i LOVE that phrasing).. it. is. part. of. us. the blessing of chaos and the randomness that literally allows for our evolution..
the fact that “the mind ‘is not cut in marble – it is not something solid and unalterable’ […] As Eliot wrote, ‘we are a process and an unfolding.’” this is seeming so absolutely riveting and electric to me right now. the fact that – not only is this okay.. it’s how it’s supposed to be.
i think i love this idea so much because it’s literally saying, in science, in our very BEING, our very BODY, written INTO US – is hope. we are malleable. “the soul ‘may be rescued and healed.’”
i am being reminded – by words, by nature, by my contemporaries, by science, by art – that everyday we have a chance to decide. it is MY responsibility to rewire myself, rewrite myself. that a possibility for something ELSE exists every single day, every single moment – and it’s not just new age gospel or self-help fodder. not just in our souls. but inherently – in our bodies, in our blood.
“To accept the freedom inherent in the human brain – to know that the individual is not genetically predestined – is also to accept the fact that we have no single solutions. Every day each one of us is given the gift of new neurons and plastic cortical cells; only we can decide what our brains will become.”
only WE can decide what our brains will become.
“…to be alive is to be ceaselessly beginning.”
and let us never reach the end.
ps: i picked up a four of clubs / four of wands on the street the other night, and now i know why. (ever find cards on the street? google them. playing cards translate into tarot meanings..). four of wands?
getting out of an oppressive situation
breaking free of bonds
opening to new possibilities
escaping unhappy circumstances
letting go of limitations”
“If you feel trapped or restricted right now, use the energy of the Four of Wands to launch you into freedom. Do not be afraid to claim the open vistas that are rightfully yours…” [more?]